Friday, 26 December 2008

The feeling has gone only you and I, it means nothing to me.

Hmmm so Boxing day it is. I have to say a little bit disappointed with this year's festivities. I know its no-one's fault that my mum was in Hospital (she came out yesterday arvo) but it meant Christmas was a most unchristmassy christmas.. I did make christmas dinner and we read the cracker's shit jokes. Unfortunately my dad's one had a note in it saying that he wasn't my real father and him and my mum had a row. (It's all sorted now.)

Telly on Christmas day was pretty good, though I found the Royle Family a bit strange - seems to be on the unrealistic side this year - like the Turkey saga. Still funny but not quite the same vibe. Also this is the first one where they seem to have moved from the usual living room setting which was weird. Blackadder Rides Again was very good. Interestingly enough me and my dad had previously been watching THe Blackadder Christmas Carol and were discussing the amount of public appearances Rowan Atkinson doesn't do...So it was quite lovely to see him speaking on the Documentary at 10:30pm. I bloody missed Doctor Who didn't I. S'cause I decided to watch A Boy Called Alex on channel 4 and I lost track of time. Presumably it'll be repeated, I mean I watched last year's Christmas Special on the flight to Australia so got there eventually. Didn't really rate it to be fair, Kylie looked haggard.

Going back a bit, Christmas Eve was as messy as predicted. My dad had to come and get me at 10:30pm and I knew he'd be in a stress so I bought him meat and chips from the kebab shop - didn't seem to make much of a difference. I always feel especially juvenile around my parents. I'm 30 now, yet things seem to be the same. When do you reckon they'll take me seriously? Prolly when I stop being picked up from the pub on Christmas Eve, sat on the pavement, battered, with a doner kebab as a peace offering. I'd have been grateful if it were the other way round.

I'm off to my friend Karen's house today for some jolly times. I need to go via my flat as A, my fish will be STARVING and B, I left my mobile phone there Christmas Eve morning. Imagine the amount of texts and calls I'll have missed! Millions I expect. Specially from boys, loads from spunky lads! Never fear boys I shall retrieve my moby in less than four short hours. Lucky you.

I've got my radio show on Sunday morning 10am -12pm so would love for you to have a little listen in. and click listen now. I hope everyone else had a nice day, it sure seemed that way on smug old Facebook status updates. Great days.

Wednesday, 24 December 2008

In a better time, you could be my friend.

So its Christmas Eve and I don't feel in the slightest bit Christmassy. Could it be because I'm in work and no one else is? Well, there are some people in but most have finished now. All the home county types have gone back to mummy and daddy leaving a lone few here in Londinium. I spose one of the reasons I'm feeling a little gloomy is because my mum's in Hospital having just had a major op on her arm (which it turned out was broken in three places) and she might be in over Christmas day. So although I knew I'd be making Christmas Dinner for my mum and dad, now it looks like its just me and my dad and obviously a good couple of visits to the hospital and my Nannie. Oh well. I'm sure all will be well in the end.

One thing that is rather jolly is the new Muppet Film that's on telly right now - its "Its a wonderful Life" and Kermit has wished he'd never been born to the detriment of all his muppety pals. It's good it is. I wonder how they keep Kermit's voice the same? What a great film!

Friday night we had some Christmas Drinks over at the newly refurbished (after the fire) Hawley Arms, HOME OF THE EMO. I really do not like this pub anymore, (sorry Doug) but its just way too pretentious.

Back to the Christmas drinks. I have this really innovative new thing. Its Deely Boppers with MISTLETOE ATTACHED. This forces men to kiss me. They basically HAVE to. Why didn't I think of this sooner? What a great night that was.

ERGH! BLEEE! What is this crap on telly now? Could it be High School Musical? There are loads of teenagers doing SINGING. GROSSSSS!!! Reminds me of this really weird thing I used to watch as a kid called "Swans Crossing" weird. OH YUCK MAKE IT STOP.

Right here are my plans over christmas. Early doors here today at MTV around 2pm so we're all heading over to Pat's pub in Mornington Crescent for some festive cheer. I really really need to pace myself cause after Camden, I've drinks in my old local in Orpington with the gang and every year for the past four, I've been battered by 8pm and my dad's had to come and get me. I hope to last until at least 10pm tonight.

I'm actually looking forward to January quite a bit for this year's been a bit shit if I'm honest, well, the period from around September 07 - July 08 was crap and without being dramatic was pretty much the worst time I've ever experienced. Now though its onwards and upwards because I really feel excitement at the prospect of 2009.

In June I'm being made redundant from MTV and having been here for 8 years am kind of ok about it. I really really want to go back to Australia and this would be the perfect opportunity. On top of these life changing plans, I also have new year resolutions like, take my make up off properly every night, accept that most people in life are a little bit strange and I can't change them or figure 'em out. I also need to DETOX so badly and again I'm genuinely looking forward to that too, there's still hope for me yet people!

Have a good Christmas everyone. :-)

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

I'm in over my head you got under my skin, I've got no strength at all....

Yeah so crazy days and not long till christmas. (I hate people who say Crimbo) The week consisted of lots of stuff, like for example Friday my bedroom door jammed shut and I found myself in just my dressing gown not able to get dressed from 8 am to 2pm. Happy days. Didn't end up going to work and my dad had to come round and bash it in. BAH.

Saturday I went to South London Radio to check out their wears and it was pretty cool, they also transmit Time FM and I should be covering a few shows on both channels over the christmas period. Both are FM channels that play out to the south east but I'm still going to be doing SW1 radio so never fear. That night I went up town to meet my pal's Evie and Caroline and also Evie's jamborie (other street performers) for some wines. I did lots of wine drinking, too much to leave at a suitable time infact! I met a nice guy but I think he may have been put off by my drunkness (?) or he may just be a mentalist. Who knows! (I suspect a little from column A and a a little from column B) The next day after three hours of sleep I had to get up to do the radio show. I know I crossed the mark on this particular show, not swearing and stuff but just being a a little bit rude about some celebs but we did get more callers and emails than usual so I take that as a good sign.

Sunday arvo I prepared a sumptuous buffet for some girlfriends of which they hardly ate any - All claiming to have had big dinners before they came out. Whatever! We had a lovely chat and a few glasses of wine. The only strange bit was when I mentioned to my friend Katy (who lives on the 5th floor of my building) about a girl called Nicola who lives on my floor. I was telling Katy that we should get her involved with our jolly japes a bit more as I think she's a little unhappy here and would appreciate some neighbourly gestures. Katy agreed that we'd do this, but the next day an email went round saying that Nicola had died on friday. I couldn't believe this news, completely gobsmacked was I and incredibly upset. I also learnt that day, that my mum has had a nasty fall down a whole flight of stairs and had badly broken her arm (bit between elbow and shoulder) and put her back out and has multple bruises including a black eye. Could have been much worse so I must be glad for that but you know when you just think, now how about a bit of good news?

One thing I'm looking forward to is heading out to Covent Garden tonight for me and my homey's Christmas meal. We go out every year or at least get together and swap presents. I hope they like mine, I'm crapola at Christmas shopping. WhenI ventured out monday morning to Greenwich for some shopping, I knew it'd be awful as soon as I stepped out of my block of flats cause there was a man pissing up against our post boxes. I didn't see him at first as I was looking up at my window to admire my fairy lights on the tree. I backed right into him and he goes "sorry miss" but was bending over and making straining noises as I suppose he tried to clench his (mid-flow) piss in. It was down hill from there on. Like I was walking along the street and caught a glimpse of my haggard face in the barber shop window and exclaimed "God!" as I was so outraged at my weathered look. A lady infront of me turned around all indignant as if I'd meant to say "god" to her. So I said "Oh I wasn't saying God at you I was saying it cause I glimpsed my weathered face in the mirror". She didn't even react or give me a sisterly high five. MOOOOODY. Anyhow I managed to do most of my shopping & finishing the rest online today.

Anyway - I'm looking after my mum today so gonna go downstairs to sit with her now. Byeee.

Wednesday, 10 December 2008

I know they're watching.....they're watching.

Really, does the "Here comes the girls" song HAVE to be played so constantly? It's on WHENEVER there's even a single female on telly. The female will walk into shot and it's "Here comes the girls (girls) girls (girls girls!)".... GOD. There are other songs you know, to accompany women. Why can't they revert back to the usual "Sisters are doing it for themselves" (Please don't.)

Anyway, I'm feeling exceptionally jolly this week. I've just downloaded some christmas classics to play on my radio show on Sunday (you better listen!) and I'm finding that listening to them on my IPOD whilst battling through the hurly burly of London is making me more forgiving. Like for example, say I get barged whilst boarding the cattle infested tube, usually I would be all angry and want to smash their faces in. But with "Stop the cavalry" playing in my ear somehow, all I can do is smile. You try it! Also another goody is "Christmas Wrapping" by the Waitresses.

My sister and I were reminiscing the other day about a particularly good christmas about 4.5 years ago when Ma, Pa, me and her had lots of laughter through out the day. Like when my mum served up the veg and a parsnip was standing upright and I hilariously commented that it looked like an exceptionally small dick. How we laughed. Then we did squirting squirty cream directly into our mouths and have photographic evidence to prove this. Happy days.

I had a dream last night that I was in love and loved by a friend of mine called James. When I awoke I sent him a text saying I'd dreamt of him. He wanted to know what it was about ( suspect in case it was a rudey one) and imagine his surprise when I told him that we had loved each other dearly, I also declared that I still did love him but that it would probably wear off by around 4pm. (It has actually nearly worn off now - oh well)

On the train today and yesterday I noticed an excessive amount of men picking their noses. Infact there was this handsome man who sat next to me and I kept sneaking him admiring glances until he started to do some serious gouging up his nose. It so didn't go with the song I was listening to at the time on my IPOD (Tiny Dancer - Elton John).

Facebook's confusing me. I keep getting updates on there like "Steve Cox just answered the question "Do you think Leanne Diggins does a mean booty shake?" What the fuck? Why has this question even arisen? (The answer is of course YES) If you know what this all means please comment.

I'm meeting my good pal Evie tonight for a Christmas drink, although I'm trying to lose weight (stupid time to do this I know) as I'm going to a wedding on 4th January. I've been asked to do a Reading at the wedding so I need to look great. I bought a dress from Monsoon yesterday (and "Shrug" BLEEEE I HATE THAT WORD!!) and its a bit snug (the dress) but there was no way I was opting for the size above - just couldn't do it. I thought it was loverly to be asked to do the Reading though, hope I'm not all blubbing.

Anyway - last thing, listen into my radio show this sunday 10am - 12pm on SW1 Radio. and click listen now, or tune in on 87.7 FM if you are in the surrounding areas of SW1. K BYE!

Thursday, 4 December 2008

And sometimes you close your eyes and see the place where you used to live...

Well I'm pleased to say my diary's filling up nicely with many occasions to smash my liver further. Happy days.

I've embarked on a last ditch attempt to get fit and have decided to go back to the gym. I've arranged for some excellent music to pump from my IPOD to keep me going. Like....."So what!" by Pink. YEAH! That oughta do it.

YUCK! Just seen Enya on telly - she looks proper old but at least I could make out some actual words in her latest song. I was thinking to myself this morning whilst tucking into a sumptuous breakfast, did Slade write their christmas hit? Cause if they didn't then they probably hate christmas eh? Imagine that! Gutted. Oh I have many thoughts, all of them incredibly interesting.

I keep getting texts from Australia people telling me they're about to drink Sambuca's! :-( BOOOO I wanna be back there. When I wake up in my bed at the moment I keep losing my bearings. Yesterday I actually thought I must have pulled and was in a strange boy's bedroom. (then I realised it didn't smell of "boy" so that soon brought me crashing back down to earth). Sigh. One thing that's good is, at least I have Christmas to look forward to. God I love Christmas day its just a massive eat fest at my house (Ma and Pa's house) and this year, as ever there'll be no strange boyfriends hanging around. We prefer it with no outsiders.

And, it also means the traditional watching of the best Christmas film EVER. "Scrooged" starring Bill Murray. I remember last year, my ex-boyfriend was particularly difficult over the obligatory watch of this film, forcing me to watch the highly BORING original version of it first. What a weirdo. This year my sister's coming up from Bournemouth as she is equally a huge fan. Can't wait! I'll also be watching it with my friend Lauren as she's never seen it. Sheltered or what!

I've done some more culling on Facebook, I simply couldn't bear the outrageous spelling mistakes on people's status updates. More to follow I expect.

SO! SW1 radio is going FM this sunday! (87.7fm) My show is on 10am to 12pm so you simply MUST listen in. If you're out of the FM Radius which most will be, please log into at 10am this sunday and prepared to be dazzled as I entertain you with some excellent music and hilarious banter!

Anyway - I've got a bagel to eat.

Tuesday, 2 December 2008

I got a brand new attitude and I'm gonna wear it tonight...

I can't believe I only managed three blogs whilst on nearly a month's hols in Australia. People up to now have irritated me with there cooing of Oz. But they were so very right.

I got up to Sydney and Byron Bay last blog and also a bit about Steve's zoo. God Byron Bay is beautiful. But it all is. The people, the weather, the lads, the kids even! They don't do that thing they do here, you know....that thing......... stabbing.

After Byron Bay we continued our travels up to Brisbane where we were picked up my old pal Alex who emigrated a couple of years ago and got wed to his lady Jo. He picked us up and we decided to for a couple of beers (Tooeys New) and then went off to his house. Yes house. A three bedroom one, one that looks like this (actually this very one)

So yeah we went there and had a loverly barbque. I did the cooking and it were' ace. My favourite bottles of wine were available in litre screw top bottles ( I only realised this once the wine had been consumed "hey, how comes I'm so drunk?") Happy days. He has a great life set up there with a nice big house, garden, dog, cat the full shabang. The next day I had another one of my "special" hangovers so didn't rise until 1pm.

The following tuesday (day after Steve's zoo visit) we went on a 3 dy trip to Frazer Island. This place was amazing, with a 75 mile beach. We were with a tour guide called Rob who drove us about in a 4 wheel drive which was mental. I've never been thrown around so much in my life, t literally felt like our spines were disintegrating whenever we went over a bump. We drove directly on the beach sometimes splashing in the sea as well. Beautiful, amazing, marvellous etc. We'd previously met up with my good friend Katie and she came along with us. On the trip we teamed up with nice girl called Hannah too and a couple of northern lads called Dean and Mike. They were all a right good craic. Rob, our tour guide, totally wanted to bone Hannah as soon as he saw her. I made it known that I knew of his intentions.

Up to now we hadn't seen any dingo's although all over the island there were warning signs of what to do and what not to do if you saw one. You weren't meant to go anywhere alone in case a load of them jumped you. I was pretty scared so went everywhere in pairs or groups. We finally saw one and it was soooooooo cute for it had a babba and it was washing her. Scary my arse.

At Frazer, you're not allowed to splash about in the sea coz of sharks which are rife apparently, so instead we went in the FRESH WATER LAKES that were dotted about the island. It was like something out of dirty dancing 'cept no one would pick me up. Night time consisted of going to a bar riddled with Crickets and putting Rick Astley on the juke box. Just so happened that both Dean and Mike were massive fans. They love the cheese (being cheesy is easy as they said)but after my presuming they were thus "together" realised this was just me wrongly stereotyping. I particularly loved the fact they thought I looked a bit like Kimberley out of Girls Aloud. Then it was time to call up Samantha Buca, and this we did with gusto. Then we thought why not go on the beach and look at the stars? So we did this as well. God this place is a different world - I really canna recommend it enough.

The next day in the lake we played rolling down the vertical sandy drop straight into the water and I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. Frazer Island rules.

The saturday after Frazer was spent going to Alex and Jo's again and having a disco. I INSISTED on letting his doggie sleep on my bed and eventually passed out fully clothed. The next day they took us to see the glass top mountains and some beaches on the sunshine coast, sooo lovely. I am fully aware that this blog is a bit gushy but I don't care. I'm all gushed up (yick). I'm back to work tomorrow and I really do not wanna be back in the real world again. I've learnt silly things about myself, and also crucial stuff too. I feel relaxed and happy and am now focusing on my next trip back to Oz.

Roll on christmas.....

Monday, 24 November 2008

Dancing....with tears in my eyes.

SOOOO! I know I haven't written, but why would I? I'm in Australia of course and am busy being happy.
Here's a brief update on the latest goings on for those who are interested. Last I wrote I was travelling to Sydney to do some Opera house looking and habour bridge gazing. We stayed at a hostel called "Wake up" and how um....kookie it was. Downstairs from the Wake Up place was a pumping disco called "side bar" and in it was a bar and a DJ and LOTS of students doing the good thing. So we joined in by power of sambucas and beer. Then I met a boy who wasn't 17! That is, I met a boy who was drunk and 28 (i think)! And he liked me at the time! YAY. So happy days dancing and staggering and laughing we had until 7am. The night consisted of us going to a casino at about 4am and then somehow I got us chucked out but I'm still yet to know why. I think it was because we was drinking not gambling. But who knows? Not me. Then we went down to a harbour (think it was Darling) and were rolling around on the floor (clothed) whilst commuters pretty much stepped over us. Oh Irish man, we'll always have Darling Harbour. See you on Facebook. Happy days!

Anyway, then the next day (and only full day in Sydney) I couldn't move at all. So I had Macdonalds and went back to bed. Then it was the next day and that day I COULD move so I tramped the streets for a bit and met my friend Abby for some lunch! She tried to convince me to move to Sydney and she almost did you know.

Next stop, Byron Bay and this place I fell in love with. Completely and utterly. I will have to write about this later on though cause its tooo long.

Today though, I went to Steve Irwin's zoo. Now for those who know me, they'll realise that I was devastated on hearing his passing. Today was a little tough if I'm honest, as soon as I walked through the gates, tears were in my eyes, yet I was happy to be stepping where he stepped. I know this might sound stupid to some, but to me it does not. At this Zoo I saw Agro the croc and I cuddled a Kangaroo, not sure if he liked it.

Tomorrow we're off to Fraser Island for a couple o nights. This island is riddled with Dingo's and apparently if you are attacked by one you're to fight aggressively. And not run away. Shit.

Will write proper soon.

Monday, 17 November 2008

I said to the man are you trying to tempt me?

Oh my GOD, I actually love it here. I'm trying to work out how I can live here for about a year or maybe six months. Lauren helpfully pointed out, I have no ties back home...(she means I haven't got a boyfriend). I tactfully mentioned I have a mortgage, a job and family and friends (in no particular order).... So how can I do it? I need to get a trade so I can bring something to the table of Oz.

Anyway, as you can prolly tell I really am loving it here. Today we flew into Sydney and have just had a marvellous dinner down at the harbour overlooking the bridge and the Opera house.
The thing about Australia is everyones so laid back and friendly and the things I've been getting my knickers in a twist back home seem so insignificant now. It's like Who Cares? Stuff thats kept me tossing and turning all night worrying my arse off has just become so minor now. It really is a wonderful feeling, I feel free.

Have I mentioned the men here that are hunks of spunks? They are blooming gorgeous and I canna work out if its just cause they've got tans and are all muscly and tall or whether they're..... Fuck man they're gorgeous.

The other night me and a girl I met out here called Leanne (good name) went out dancing in Adlelaide to a place called The Elephant or something.

Anyway, there was a live band there called "Pash" (HAHAHAHA) and they played all the classics, like "500 Miles" by the Proclaimers. But as the night went on, much like in the UK the crowd became more raucous. And with more beer came more beer being spilt over Leanne (2) and me laughing lots. Also someone kept doing the most evil farts ever. Every now and then either Leanne or me would have this look on our faces of disgust as the stench wafted up our noses until it came to a point where she did the "stink face" again and I'd just swallowed a swig of Gin and Tonic and her face made me crack up laughing, and I accidently sprayed Leanne with spit and gin in her face. How we (I) laughed. After this place became just ridiculous we moved onto an irish pub on East Terrace where there was another, cooler band. They were doing a cover by the Killers when all of a sudden an old man from the audience went up on the stage with them and started to tootle along on his descant recorder. We thought he was part of the band until a burly bouncer went up and dragged him off the stage exclaiming "if you get up on stage again, your out". What the fuck? Ah poor man, he just wanted to join in. We laughed at that too though.

Oh its simply grand here. I heard someone shout "rack off" the other day and he meant it. Life doesn't get much better than this folks, it really doesn't.

Friday, 14 November 2008

Beautiful girl, stay with me.

So here I am, on the other side of the world having an excellent time. I have loads to report back on but only have limited internet time so will give you a brief run down for now and write proper tomorrow.

  • Kangaroos are soft and furry, I should know, I touched one. That's right.
  • Wallabees look like tiny scamping joeys.
  • The Australian folk are very friendly and welcoming.
  • All the men are hunks of spunk. Which sounds disgusting but is actually amazing.
  • When I had a steak the menu described the preparation as "once the cow's horns are chopped off and its arse is wiped, its ready to serve" and it didn't even put me off.
  • Wine tasting tours mean drinking alot and making friends with all on tour.
  • The men out here are hunks of spunks.
  • The Great Ocean Road is loooong but the waves are massive and I did splashing without a care in the world for sharks.
  • There are too many flies.
  • The australian verion of "This Morning" is better than our version. Seriously.
  • Singapore is HOT.
  • All the hostels smell the same.
  • My feet are raw from burnage.
  • I had reflexology and it hurt.
  • Koalas are well moody.

More detail tomorrow. BYE! You're all asleep now and I'm typing! hahah! I'm typing and you're all asleep. If you're in England, you're all asleep.

Monday, 3 November 2008

Come on baby, don't fear the reaper......... baby take my hand.

I'm going to Australia on Friday! That's FOUR days away. FOUR! I know. I'm very excited but also a little scared, but also a little excited, and also a little scared. I'm not going to be contactable AT ALL. No mobile, no crapberry no nuffink. YAY.
I'm getting a bit concerned about the length of the flight in case I develop deep vein thrombosis. I have my sexy stockings that should compress those deep veins away and I plan to do lots of padding up and down the plane though and also consumption of water, not wine, water.

In other news it was of course Halloween this weekend and I went to two parties. I don't know why, but dressing up in scary costumes makes me feel a bit sick. Thus I decided to go as an EMO to friday's party (Newt from Hollyoaks) and I put on a hat on Saturday night for the party in my local bar. I think that's plenty sufficient.

Halloween's a chance for people to dress up in Scream masks and look like mentalists. Don't like it. Anyway I met this guy from the complex I live on and was telling him that my building isn't allowed to use the onsite gym. He was UTTERLY appalled and kept coming up to me and my friend to express his disgust. In the end we started to get a bit like "yeah, can you go away now please?" and so he gets the hint and goes to walk away and says "Ok but I'll just say one more thing girls, you need to get down that gym".
So then we did grooving about on the dance floor and these three lads came over and were like "Don't worry, we're GAY!" (Really? I'd never have guessed except that your friend's wearing a gold studded T-shirt spelling the words "Drama Queen.")

God, is this all there is? There must be more to life.

I keep dreaming about this man and its making me obsessional. I actually want to marry him and firmly believe I must be in love. If not, why do I have to keep dreaming of him? They aren't rude dreams, just ones where we love each other. Just like the dreams where you are best friends with a celebrity like Dawn French or something. Now my love dreams have made me realise that I must love him.

Either that or I need a holiday. To Australia. I wish I were Gabrielle from the 90's cause then all would be well.

Bloody cold weather. My nose keeps doing that thing where it runs and by the time I've realised it, I've had three conversations with people completely not knowing I have candlestick nose(s). And they totally do know, and are probably cringing and thinking "just fucking wipe it".

Just did another voiceover at work for MTV2. I like doing voiceovers. I did the voice of Jack out the Whitestripes with his sister-wife Meg. I'm so versatile.

Nothing more to report. Nothing.

K Bye.

Monday, 27 October 2008

Sooner or later in life, the things you love you lose...and just like before, I know I'll call on you.

A very decent few days. Here's what happened.

Catface Comedy at The Betsey Trotwood was exceptional fun, I got so excited that I licked a boy's neck in the audience. After the show I stuck around with some of the acts drinking and Luke McQueen taught me a great dance where your hands become crab's pincers. The next Catface Comedy will be on the 11th December so get involved.

I watched some cool things over the weekend, firstly, Nightmare on Elm Street on friday night and I really really don't remember it being as shit as that! It used to proper freak me out in the olden days. And the mum in it is really strange. I know she does drinking but she just seems completely mad.
Also watched this terrific game show called "Hole in the Wall". It's GREAT! This saturday's show consisted of the lovely Alex Wotherspoon as well, all lycra'd up. I would absolutely recommend this programme. Here's a clip:

Speaking of lycra/spandex and all that.... I went to see La Clique yesterday in Leicester Square cause my mate Evie had a spare ticket. Oh what fun that was, and what hunky men. The good thing is, where Evie is a street perfomer, she knew quite a few of the acts so was able to know if they would be handsome or not. We were properly over excited like those women you see at Chippendales.

I'd so recommend this show. Afterwards we hung around in the hippodrone for a bit and then realised we were the only ones at the bar and as we jigged about to "Super Freak" by Rick James, we started to feel a little ashamed. Evie knew a lovely secret bar just down from there, where we supped on some more white wine. We were playing TV Tunes through Evie's head phones like "Cagney and Lacey" and "Home and Away" and then this man said to us... "Look I've come for a quiet drink and that noise is excruciatingly loud" so Caroline said helpfully "Yeah? Well you're excruciatingly fat."

When I got home Saw ii was on. I love that film, but unfortunately fell asleep five mins in.

Just got a phone call from my mum saying she's found a list in my old bedroom with boys names on it. Very very embarrassing indeed as some are quite recent. "Shall I save it for you for when you next come round?" she says. "Um no Mum, just chuck it."

Right bye.

Thursday, 23 October 2008

Anytime, anyway, you're my playground love.

What about Kerry Katona eh? I watched the "this Morning" interview LIVE from my desk at work for I'm lucky enough to get to do typing and watching of stuff simultaniously. I can do a really good impression of Kerry on there but you can't hear it right now. I love Phil and Fern and feel that they had to point out the slurring cause it was getting awkward. I don't think they should be blamed for sabotage but I have to be careful what I say for I'm in the MTV Camp apparently and they think P & F are WELL outta order. Well, not most but the few that work on Kerry's show (they would). All Kerry has to do is dump that disgusting pig and then all will be solved. He makes me feel vomitus.

So tonight its Catface Comedy and I'm looking forward to it lots. Although the new venue (for this month only - Betsey Trotwood) is the size of a postage stamp I feel it will lend a nice intimate feel which is something we all crave don't we? No. I don't anyway. We have half the seats pre-booked so at least there will be audience which is always essential with stand-up comedy I find.

Hmmm what else? God I'm properly clutching at straws with what to write about. Dunno how people write blogs every single day.(MICHAEL LEGGE)

Hmmm oh yeah, at the weekend I went to a party and got drunk! What gossip eh? The next morning I had to be up at 8am to go to Victoria to do SW1 radio. I was still a bit tipsy I fear cause the hangover hadn't yet set in. Made the show more fun I reckon but I knew I wasn't completely right when I listened back to the recording of the show and I'd introduced a track like this. "And now its time for my all time favourite recluse, Kate Bush." That's not very nice is it, we have a very strict contract at the show so I felt instantly regretful. Louisa was there doing the celeb gossip section and did very well indeed. She will be covering me when I go to Australia. Which is in 2 weeks on friday! YAYAYAAYAY! I shall be uncontactable completely when I am there and its going to be GREAT.

After the radio show my hangover started to set and in and became increasingly worse and I worried that it might turn into a "special" hangover (special = vomiting inc.) I had to go to Caroline Mabey's house to do recording of my voice and knew I wasn't up to it without a lie down first. Luckily I explained this to her en route and she helpfully prepared a darkened room for me ready for my arrival. After 1.5 hours sleep I was ready to roll. I'm so versatile.

And that's that. Don't forget to set your alarms for SW1 radio on Sunday 10-12pm and click listen now. I'll play a song for ya, you might not like it but I'll play it all the same.

Friday, 17 October 2008

You were the last high.

Bloody hell my 40D isn't working and I'm having massive troubles catching up with Hollyoaks. If there's a time I need to catch up with this, it's NOW. Niall's lost it! Whilst I'm waiting for the download of this episode I though I'd write what the latest is with me.

Well, firstly I had a massive nightmare last friday when the guy who runs the Slaughtered Lamb emailed me to say he'd made a "boo boo" with my booking for next thursday (Catface Comedy) and so he would have to pull my night. (Basically, this month there were to be TWO shows instead of one cause November I'll be in Australia so clearly won't be doing Catface and that's why he reckoned he'd made the fuck up....)


All my listings are in, all acts had been booked, this isn't just a Boo boo! I called him up about 5 times and left various messages, all very professional mind you but obviously ebbing on hysteria. Haven't been that angry in ages...

In the end he texted me and said he would try to sort it out with the other people he'd double booked my night with. (hang on my download is complete, back after Hollyoaks!) O.M.G!

Right, back to my tale. Yeah so anyway the long and short of it is, I had to find a new venue for the same night. After much discussion I went with the Betsey Trotwood which is loverly. So all the details remain the same, 23rd October, Catface Comedy on at the Betsey Trotwood in Farringdon road, starts at 8pm! Phew.

Last night I went to the Canal Cafe Theatre to see Caroline in News Revue - twas good. I was on my own so Caroline seated me with her family which included the famous SUGGS of Madness fame. He isn't her family though, just a friend of.... and what a lovely man he is too! I fancied him a bit actually, he really is very very nice.

My sister told me that the TMF AWARDS were put up on youtube and you can hear me in the background doing me' voice over. There's loads of screaming going on but you can still make out my "Best pop international" bits and naming of the artists. Have a listen if you can be arsed: there's quite a few videos under TMF Awards 2008 but this one was the clearest over all the screaming youth.

Tonight I'm staying in to watch Hollyoaks, and then tomorrow I'm off to another 30th Birthday party. Don't forget this sunday its my radio show on SW1 - listen online at from 10am to 12pm.

I hope you have a great weekend.

Monday, 13 October 2008

Don't these times fill your eyes? When the streets are cold and lonely and the cars they burn below me.

A weekend that was the height of cool if I do say so. Friday at work we had an MTV Pop Quiz which was excellent fun. Our team was made up of six girls all claiming to know nothing about music ('cept me and Jess), but just look what happened! We came 5th out of 14 teams. Very pleasing. Lots of high TENS going on all around much to everyone else's annoyance.

After the quiz we went to a pub in Camden called the Lockside Lounge. I really, really dislike this pub and I don't know why I ended up there. Myself, Louise and Claire soon left and went off to the Oxford Arms. I was a little dubious about attending this pub cause I remembered that two weeks previous (after having some fresh air) I'd been told I couldn't come in again cause I was too pissed (which is absolute NONSENSE).

I wasn't sure if this meant I was barred for good so I sneaked into the garden and someone else kindly went to the bar for me. After a while Claire produced a sweet potato which was exactly the same shape as a baton one might use for relay races on sports day. We took full advantage of passing the baton correctly, with your hand held out backwards and starting to run as the person is passing it to you. This was most satisfying. When it was my round I decided to pluck up the courage to go the bar to face the staff there. I stood very meekly for a bit and suddenly the managing bar girl who's dad owns the pub said to me "Did you have a good birthday?" in a knowing fashion. And I thought, "Uh oh, how would she know that information?" Maybe I was being a bit raucous on the said night of chucking out and slipped that it was my birthday.... Oh Me!

After this is was time to call it a night for I had to be up early on Saturday to go to Belgium for the TMF Awards. Oh why do I always end up packing, pissed? Luckily I had enough time to unpack all the crap I'd thrown in friday night, Saturday morning. Won't be needing those salopettes...... In goes awards clothes and a good book namely Dawn French's "Dear Fatty", but more about that later.

Got to London City aiport and the aircraft only holds 40 people and it has propellors! Scary stuff as I'm not such a great flyer. When I got to Antwerp airport I found it to be the strangest place I've ever been to, with not a person insight and neither a taxi to take me to my hotel. Luckily I spotted the pilot of my flight and he kknew a buddy who was a taxi man so he called one for me. When I got to the hotel I was knackered and was just dropping off to sleep whilst watching TMF on TV when I heard "Live from Antwerp, the TMF Awards 2008!" And I was like "Wait a minute, THATS ME!" And I got all over excited and I couldn't sleep, so looking forward was I to hearing what I sounded like at the Sport Palais Stadium later on. Also very nervous indeed. What happens if I sounded shit?

When the time finally came and Thomas and I arrived, we rushed through the VIP bit to the actual stadium and I could hear myself saying right across the 25,000 strong audience " BEST NEW POP ACT INTERNATIONAL" JONAS BROTHERS! AVRIL LAVIGNE! MIKA! etc etc and each time I said their names the audience were screaming their heads off. Never have I had a rush like it. Mental days. We watched most of the show which was 3.5 hours long and every 15 minutes included my voice announcing the nominees. At one point I leant over and tapped this 15 year old girl and shouted "THATS ME! THATS ME!" she turned away disgusted. haha. Oh well, my 3.5 hours of fame did me proud that's all I will say.

After this is was time for the aftershow party which was pretty mental also and I ended up boogying away there until about 4am, upon which me and Sue-Eve decided to get a cab back to the hotel. When we got outside I was saying to Sue-Eve that its been weird being the only english person at the show and suddenly a man behind me called James said "No your not, I'm english too and we're all sat in the hotel bar come and join us!" So myself and the Freemasons (a dance band I later found out) all sat around drinking until about 6am, upon which it came to a light that a guy there had seen me MC in Portsmouth at the Black Cat the previous October. Small world afterall eh? Much fun, much fun.

The next day I felt ok after 7 hours sleep and headed off to the airport and as I was early I went for it with the Dawn French's book. God it was great. I love her even more now, and would thoroughly recommend it, beautiful writer, beautiful woman. It did make me cry in parts but in places where I was so in awe at how much she just gets it. She knows who she is, why she is, what she is, where she's come from, she managed to convey all of this without preaching or dictating. She's just so very dignified. She also writes a fantastic piece on forgiveness and also about allignment between her and her father. She mentions Josie Long in it as well, WOW if I was Josie Long I would be BURSTING with pride. I nearly texted her but then realised of course she would know this. READ IT!! READ IT!!! I adore Dawn!

Got back about 5pm and it was a loverly day in Greenwich and I felt very at peace. Then I read a few status updates on Facebook and was disgusted to see that even more people are using this most cringey word ever........."Chillaxing". FUCK OFF! It makes me want to VOM. ALL OVER YOU. Chillaxing. YUCK. God.

Ok bye.

Wednesday, 8 October 2008

You can tell the sun, in it's jealous sky...

Ah I'm full up, just ate loads of Sushi at Bento and it was YUMMY. I've been trying to watch the old food consumption this week as I'm off to Oz in 4 weeks and I won't be able to bag a husband if I need to be rolled around now will I. Specially with Lauren being all athletic near me, doing the crab and round-offs and all that palava.

My sister came to visit last weekend and it was so much fun. Yes we drank, yes we had a disco and danced a jig to the likes of "Ghostbusters" and other such classics, yes my sister did roly poly's over my sofa and yes we discussed the times we'd soiled ourselves. (Sometimes on purpose it came to light.) What fun! She a cathead.

The next day I had my radio show and it was much fun yet again. Really enjoying it now, and the station goes to FM in December - the frequency will be 87.7FM. While I'm in Australia my good friend and trusted Catface Comedy coordinator will be covering the show so YAY! FUNKS LOUISA. We went to a meeting last night at the studio and one of the points made was "could DJ's not fart in the studio booth please." hahaha. Someone did a right stinker Sunday night and it still reeked the next day apparently (wasn't me).

Sunday arvo I went round to Karen's new flat and we drank more wine and watched Sex and the City (again) this time I saw more flaws in it. We didn't shut up throughout saying stuff like "There's no shopping in them there bags Charlotte's carrying." and "Miranda would be way more pissed off about that" and "Isn't Big, a big fat Grandad." etc. Kinda took the edge off it but still fun all the same. Don't think I'll be watching it again in a hurry.

This weekend I'm off to Belgium for the TMF Awards so I can hear my voice being THE voice of the concert. "And the nominees are..." "MIKA!" JONAS BROTHERS" etc etc. Them Jonas Brothers are all pansy virgins aren't they. I'm not surprised cause they're all pretty rough. Bit like those lads what sang "Mmmm Bop" 2 looked completely like girls and that girlie drummer one was always being precocious in interviews if I remember rightly and I suspect I do.

Do you realise that christmas is 10 weeks away? Isn't that ridiculous? I agree. Me and my homeys have already arranged our christmas meal. God I love my homeys. We're going for an Indian meal as is tradition.

Right, not got much more to report on but life's pretty cool at the moment.


Friday, 3 October 2008

You got me smilin' got me smilin' when I think of you.

Y'ello. Friday already and its winter outdoors. Today I wore a scarf and I'm going to buy some mittens so I have paws. I've had a pretty good week. I was worried about coming into work on monday after Friday's exploits but as usual I'd built it up in my head and the reality amounted to nothing. Paranoia can play havoc with one's mind though can't it.

Finally completed the voice over for the TMF Awards in Belgium. You try saying "And the nominees are!" in a sexy voice 5 times. Then be told to re-do it in an excited voice. 5 times. Hard! Ah well so glad its sorted and I got a nice sum of money for it which will go towards Australia which is 5 weeks TODAY. Bloody hell its gonna be fun but I've really limited cashage. I must see my Steve's (Irwin) zoo too or I'll be gutted. We haven't actually planned much about the trip yet but we're gonna do it next week. I got me my rucksack and EVERYTHING - its got loadsa compartments to hide stuff.

I watched a documentary on 4OD this week called the 9/11 faker. It was about a woman who said that she had survived the attacks on that day and had lost her finance'.... BUT SHE WAS LYING, cause she wasn't even in the buildings. Nevertheless, the programme brought back all the memories of that horrible day. I was off work that day but my boyfriend at the time was working at Canary Wharf and he and colleagues were evacuated and sent home and there were no planes allowed over London. I distinctly remember going out in the garden and thinking "this is the end of the world." cause it genuinely felt that way. Utter madness, truly horrid times. But nice and uplifting for a friday eh?

Ah I'm being set up with a MAN soon how good is that? Finally a friend has come through for me and is going to set me up with a single friend of hers. I haven't had a date in ages and am glad, because when I was doing internet dating a few months back I got a bit too used to them and it ended up being a chore..........having to sit there pretending to be interested in what someone's saying and the only way out is to become drunk so I'd do this and then think I loved them and then the next day have to send a text trying to get out of seeing 'em again. Sigh. Think I just talked myself out of this date.

I had one of those dreams the other night about a lad that you wouldn't normally fancy by day but after the dream you become totally in love with. I loved him for a whole day but now it's wearing off.

Sunday I've got my radio show so please tune in if you can be arsed - 10am - 12pm. Go to and click listen now.

Have a loverly weekend. BYE.

Monday, 29 September 2008

'cause I got too much life, running through my veins, going to waste.

Well an eventful weekend. Friday I was persuaded to go out with work people for 5 drinks and a sambuca. I was quite drunk but not mashed. I bumped into someone I had culled on facebook and I ended up telling him I would re-request him. God I'm such a dick, facebook is mental. I've also noticed that it seems to be a way to send secret messages via status updates.

Like for example I wrote the other day after looking at some people's profiles about how great they were.... "Leanne thinks why don't you all just smug off" obviously meaning it in a jovial fashion (hence the use of smug off) and one of my friends thought I meant her! It was just a random/jokey comment so not meant for one person cause that would be really freakish - and I felt awful that she would think I meant someone specific. I do have friends however that do that, put a comment on their status meant for someone in their "friends" list and I find it all a bit silly. (Although I did do that once about a boy) Oh well, we can't all be great like me. (Oh smug off)

I prefer status updates like Lee Brace's "They call them Breasts! They call them Boobys! That's not their name! That's not their name!"

Anyway back to Friday. So it was a bit weird cause I was outside the pub about 11:30pm and then I went to walk back in and the man said I couldn't go in because I was too PISSED. Now let me tell you something, if I can remember him saying that then I was most certainly not too pissed. Hateful man. I said "Don't talk such nonsense." My friend Patsy helpfully added "Look, I've seen this girl drink 10 pints of stella's and a sambuca and still be able stand!" (I'd had a big dinner that particular night) I realised that arguing with the bouncer might get me in trouble and make me appear more drunk so we all decided to get cabs home. Next weird thing that happened was that one of the passengers in the cab decided to storm off out of the cab! I dunno strange stuff, felt a bit like a full moon.

The next day I had to go to Orpington to visit my Nannie. I was determined not to be late after my night of drinking and I wasn't. My dad and I got to her about midday and as usual it was all a bit upsetting. I find it very hard to control my anxiety when I'm in places like that and the floor feels all wobbly. At the moment my nan seems mainly to speak German (her native tongue) and I did french at school so can't understand her. She talks and talks and all you can do is say yes or Oh and really? And then I felt a bit worn out, having just fed her her dessert and it was quite messy. I sat there for a bit calmly whilst she chattered on. I started to feel a bit sad and she suddenly said to me in crystal clear english, "You know, you don't have to keep looking....... because you're a very beautiful girl. Do you know I love you?" I said "Yes I do know, I love you too." Then she went back to chattering away in German about a bowl I think, because she kept putting her fingers in her dessert bowl. I love my Nan I do.

After this my dad dropped me at my friend James's house for his 30th Birthday garden party. It was so so lovely. Loadsa kids rambling about, I taught them about nature. I showed them brambles, fern and greenhouse products also how to beat their hands on Sam's yoga ball to make a loud noise! They loved me. I didn't drink anything alcoholic cause I hate being anything other than sober around children, namely because I think they're constantly looking at me and thinking "you dick."

That night I headed home for an early night for it was Radio fun the following morning! Please join in next week 10 - 12pm on and click listen now.

It's Catface Comedy this wednesday on at the Slaughtered Lamb so come on down, the price is right.

K Bye.

Friday, 26 September 2008

The grass is always greener on the other side, neighbour's got a new car that you wanna drive and when time is running out you wanna stay alive.

Well what can I say........Steak rules O.K. (that's what). I went to Gaucho with Lauren last night, she was treating me for my birthday and she said "have anything you want" "What, ANYTHING?" "Yes, anything." she replied. So I did. Including Oysters for my starter. Happy days for I do so love food. Sometimes I wish I didn't but I do and will forever remain "cuddly". Good! (Is what I say to THAT.)

On wednesday evening my dad was driving me back to Greenwich and I (after a bottle of wine) was explaining to him how community spirited its become in Camden Town now that I've worked there for 8 years. I was telling him all about the discounts I get for food in the market as a "regular" and how they all know I hate coriander. Anyway yesterday I was walking through the high street in Camden when all of a sudden I heard a commotion and running down the road was a man being whipped by shop workers who were all chasing him with red angry faces.

He'd obviously been caught stealing from one of the shops and was hot footing it away with his goods. Haha he didn't reckon on the community spirit from the other shop owners who all joined in with the whipping and the chasing. See Dad? A real community.

(I wish I lived by the sea.)

The police were soon there and slapped hand cuffs on the robber and let the whippers go about their business.

I also saw when I was out having a coffee last night the PAPS running down the road past Gaucho's with massive cameras. Obviously they had a lead and wanted to PAP them. One dropped their camera battery and everyone shouted "Gutted". I didn't join in.

THEN when I got back to Charring Cross and was waiting for my train I saw that "Kat" girl out of big brother. She had a hood up over her zany hair but I could make out her wacky jaw line. Rumbled Kat, you get South Eastern trains like the rest of us. No happy fucking house for you! Get involved with the vomit express JUST LIKE ME.

Tomorrow I'm going to visit my nannie. I haven't seen her for a while and feel really bad, even though she doesn't recognise me anymore I should still see her more. So that's tomorrow, after which its my mate James's 30th so am off to his house for some drinks and nibbles and then I think they're off to the pub. Better swerve that cause I have the radio show on Sunday morning and being hungover just won't do. If you would like to get involved with this week's show you SO CAN. At and click on listen now and then all will be revealed. Twix 10:00am and 12pm.

K Bye.

Thursday, 25 September 2008

Lets have less of getting clever with me.

I am now thirty and if feels FINE. I think the build up is worse than the reality.

On Monday night (birthday eve) my good pal Louisa came over and we drank champagne and at mignight I ripped open my cards with gusto. One of my friends, Heather Bevver had given me four scratch cards and so Louisa did the scratching with a 50 pence coin. The first three were duds but on the last one we TOTALLY thought I'd won £6000. I tried not to get too excited for I knew we were pissed but I'd spent all my winnings in my head in about two seconds. The next day I got one of my colleagues to check the card and he said that I HADN'T won. :-( BOOO. So now I'm skint again.

That day it was busy at work cause a man had gone and shot a load of people in Finland, so as one of the channels I look after is MTV Finland we had to get a one minute black and silent event to air and then everything broke and well, it was a tough day.

In the evening I went for a meal with my close girlfriends and my Ma and Pa. This was ace and we had much much fun. I loves them all I do. Three of the girls clubbed together and bought me a Tiffany Bracelet! I've never had anything from Tiffany. I'm a real girl! And also my friend Patsy bought me a beautiful jewellery box. Thank you.

The next day I took off as hols and watched (FINALLY) Sex and The City DVD. It was pretty good although I do feel it has been hyped up quite severely and there are parts in it that I would have written differently, like I would have said "No" to Big at the end to show that you don't need to be married to have a happy ending. Oh well.

Then I met my old friend Siobhan who I went to school with. She lives in Bahrain with her husband and two dogs and her life sounds GREAT. She has a MAID! I know! We reminisced back to the days when we were 17 and I ran for head girl and Siobhan was my deputy, as usual we bitched about what a FIX it was (we came second).

The day we'd discovered we hadn't won, Siobhan and I went back to her house to listen to "Jagged Little Pill" by Alanis Morrisette, drank some port and lemonade and then hit the town (Bromley). In those days Siobhan and I really really couldn't hold our drink, and all of a sudden my mum and dad found me in a phone box and took me home. The whole thing's a blur. Next day wasn't though, for I puked and puked (whole shell fish muscles) it was vile. Great days.

Tonight I'm off to Gaucho restaurant with my friend Lauren. She's treating me to FRESH MEAT for my birthday. So excited I LOVE steak YAY!!!

K bye.

Monday, 22 September 2008

Oooh I just know that something good is gonna happen.

SO! It was my birthday party on saturday and it was much fun. I spent the whole day worrying that things might go wrong, kinda felt like arranging one of my comedy night's. I needn't have stressed so, for it went without a hitch.

When I got to the venue some of my best girl friends had decorated the room in a lovely way complete with a birthday cake made out of cup cakes all with MY FACE ON. Also some lovely photo collages with all of my finest moments in life. Very very nice - thank you lovely friends.


It came to light that both Farringdon and Barbican tube were both shut (nearest tubes to the venue) so everybody was late. At 8:30pm I would be performing a birthday dance just like in the popiular MTV show "My Super Sweet 16". This had to be pushed back cause only 20 odd people had arrived. Anyway eventually I got to do this dance with a nice full room, avec my backing dancers and it was ace. It was to Shirley Bassey's cover of "I'm coming up" Powerful and menacing.


At all of my parties I always hold a Dance off and this year was like no other. With 16 willing participants ready to rumble and fight (dance) for their trophy (which I forgot to bring to the venue). We managed to capture this delightful event on video and I shall be posting this up asap. Thanks to all who got involved and all my friends are mental. Good.

At around 10:30pm my friend SBC (Simon Bonham-Carter) bought me sambuca which was yummy. Then scary Nathan behind the bar gave me another. Soon I was drunk. So then I did drinking of black sambucas which is a bit like tar, I had two of those. THEN my friends gave me a brown shot and then they dropped it in Dr. Pepper and I drank that too. Soon I couldn't remember who I was. But according to the video I had a cracking time leaping about all over the place and being generally extremely boistrous. I had a knee length dress on but still managed to full moon everyone. Lucky everyone.

The next stuff that happened is sketchy but there are flashes of a kebab, and a cab. GREAT DAYS.

When I came to the next day, my dress was covered in Kebab and we so we decided to go for a fry up in Greenwich. I realised I was still pissed as I kept saying stuff like "I feel fine!" "Wow! No hangover" etc etc. Then at 12pm I was nearly sick but in the end it just went back into my insides. I then did sleeping and I was ALL better.

I will be thirty tomorrow.

Monday, 15 September 2008

I'm asking you cos you know about these things.

I'm just not meant to have fish. So my dad brought me round two normal bog standard gold fish yesterday, who both looked VICIOUS. And as soon as they went into the water, they just sunk to the bottom and have remained there ever since occasionally flapping their tails. I expect when I get home they'll both be floating. I even changed the water in case it was toxic (crusaders). God what a hassle. I should have got a Babbit.

Friday night I went to a wedding reception in Brands Hatch. It was ace seeing all the old gang from school. We did LOADS of dancing and everyone was mashed except me. We did New York New York at the end where you all stand in a circle kicking your legs this way and that all drunk. Then everyone seemed to drag each other into the centre of the circle at different times so I kept getting my face smushed into family members of the bride and groom. It was very funny but strange also cos it felt like being in school. Not that we did that in school. Everyone was very happy and looking well and married. And I felt genuine happiness for everyone, specially when I got some buffet inside me.

Saturday we went to Ikea, and I got plants and that. When I got home I realised that I actually now own "Plants and Goldfish" so all my responsibilities now, are looking after the "plants and goldfish" like Vivien. So I could in effect get rid of my responsibilities, like Vivien. Maybe half of my responsibilities will have committed suicide by tonight anyway. I know I should be more positive about em but I just want them to swim. Like last night I was watching them and was just like "Get up and fucking swim you bastards!" and then I thought is this all there is? My sunday night consists of "wife swap" and shouting at my goldfish for not doing swimming.

It's not all my life consists of. No for yesterday was day one of SW1 radio. It was pretty good although I wasn't 100% comfortable and listening back I need to sort out the sound of my voice on the board. It sounds too treble and I spoke too fast I reck. I had many emails in from listeners so THANK YOU FOR THAT! It's tough doing a show with only yourself for company, specially when you have to press buttons and all that jazz.

Its my birthday party this saturday! YAY verrily I say unto you.

Friday, 12 September 2008

The face of you, my substitute for love. Should I wait for you?

So I've been doing some thinking and I've worked out why I'm so bothered about being 30. I think it's because I'm worried that I'm destined to walk this planet alone. I can only liken my feelings to the popular game "Musical Chairs".

So the chair is the man and the contenders are the women. The music starts and we all begin to dance around the chairs, eying each other suspiciously. And all the way through my 20's I'm content to mainly dance and not sit down much. But now I fear, the music's stopped and I'm rushing from chair to chair (man) but there's a woman already sitting on each one and I'm too late.

I said to my pal Patsy yesterday, it's not that I dislike being single, that bits ok for now. If someone could just name a year that I'd meet someone..... like in 2011 you'll meet someone........ I could rest easy, but they can't and that's why I don't wanna be 30.

Cos now babys are springing up all over the place and none of them are mine. Not that I want one anyway cause they normally have wotsits mixed with spit on their fingers, and I can't understand anything they're saying.......but having the option would be good. Cos my name's not Mary mother of God you see, even though some see me as name isn't Mary and I can't magic a baby in my tummy. Not that I want a baby you understand, I just want a fucking CHAIR. One that has prospects and visions and kindness. One that's really comfy to sit on, so much so, that I never want to get up and dance away.

WOW. I am deep and it's friday people.

I wish I could be like Solange Knowles (sibling to Beyonce) cause like she says in her song. "I decided, that you are the HIM for me. I decided." Well I decided that that man, is the one for me but he's GAY. So now what? Hang on a minute, I decided he was gay cause he didn't want to go out with me! So therefore I DID DECIDE SOMETHING. Hooray.

Right lets move on. Tonight I'm off to a wedding reception and I'm looking forward to it. There will be old school friends there and HOPEFULLY a buffet. Buffets rule. Hope there's pork pies.

Saturday I'm going to IKEA again to get items and meat balls and then Sunday its the launch of the radio show I present on SW1 Radio. Tune in (well log on) between 10:00am and 12pm. Go to and click listen now. If that don't work open media player and stick in and that should do the trick.

In other radio news my good friend and radio presenter Joe Amphlett made the newspapers today! Well done JOE! Good job, I especially loved the opening line of the article "A Beauty Contest judge has been given the boot for calling the contestants MUNTERS" hahahahahaha! Joe's from the popular duo Amphlett and Candy who in the olden days I used to manage! Great days eh lads?

Right - have a lovely weekend.

Thursday, 11 September 2008

You ain't seen the best of me yet.

Hello! Well a busy last week hence my not having written for a bit.

Last thursday it was Catface Comedy which was lots of fun although the audience were especially rowdy to the degree that they were getting on my wick. Basically it was drunk men doing shouting of random words and then chortling at their own ramblings. When asked to be quiet they oafed around some more. Even when acts went on and kept slamming them down much to the amusement of the rest of the crowd they still continued to blurt out random words. The thing is they weren't trying to be nasty, they genuinely felt they were contributing to the night. Bless.

Other than that ALL acts did very well and we had a good time.

When I got home from work on Friday, Peter, my other fishy was deaded. Ah well back to the drawing board. I'm going to get some normal gold fish cause they're apparently harder than wimpish fantails.

The weekend was cool, saturday I went to a launch party at the bar on my housing complex BY MYSELF. I just thought FUCK IT. I'm going alone! When I entered the party I saw a table of people that I recognised from the local shop and I just went and sat with them. "HI!" I shouted. "Er hi...." They all replied happily. We soon became best mates and I chatted to lots of handsome men who were all having none of it. One drink turned into several and all of a sudden it was 11:30pm and I was staggering back to my flat with my glass of wine.

The next morning I had to be up early to get to Victoria for the dry run of my radio show. I took 2 cds cause I thought I wouldn't have to do the whole show but it turned out I did. So I absolutely RINSED my 80's complilation. Glad no one was listening cause it sucked. But this Sunday is the REAL THING with myself presenting my regular show 10:00am to 12pm. You can listen to this at SO!! Get involved. Hangover radio, it really is the new Hollyoaks. Um.

Right and what else? Oh yes then I went to Macdonalds ON MY OWN. I'm loving this alone stuff.

Then this week I've been at work and have been asked to be THE VOICE at the TMF Flanders Awards in Antwerp. You know the lady that says at the concert "Coming up next, blah blah blah". How cool is that? I know. All those FANS listening to MY VOICE. Yay.

Next Saturday is my 30th birthday party. How depressing. Well not depressing but you know what I mean. I'm trying to be one of those fabulous ladies that don't care about being 30 and with a toss of their hair and a slick of lip gloss head outta the door. I just can't do that cause I wear matte lipstick and my hair isn't tossy...... but yeah the party is going to be ACE. Then I really will be 30. BAH.

Right better get on, off down the gym but lord knows why cause it does fuck all.

Much love.

Thursday, 4 September 2008

He's riding on down, to rescue me.

My friend Karen just met Gok Wan in Covent Garden! He came up to her with camera in toe and asked her beauty questions! WOWOWOWOW! How cool is that! Good old Gok, isn't he tall!

Tonight it's Catface Comedy on at the Slaughtered Lamb featuring stand-up from Mowten, Caroline Mabey, Paul F Taylor, Claire Stroud and Dan Hoy. Also of course featuring ME the host and of course the fantastic Catface Comedy Dancers. Come on down, I'm muchly looking forward to it.

Out of the blue yesterday I had an MSN from a girl called Sandra who I met in 2005 whilst filming the BBC1 documentary "Secret of the Sexes". We were both involved in a Speed Dating experiment where in we had all these tests carried out on us which would help the scientists decipher who we each might choose in a speed date as a match. It was all a load of crap basically but I met some really interesting people in it, one of which got me into doing stand-up. For some reason he wants nothing to do with me now - I think he felt stitched up by the show and thought I was in on it. Which I was not.

Anyway, whatever, this Sandra girl was really nice and for a while after the show we did MSNing and all that. She contacted me yesterday to say she was getting married this saturday! How cool is that? She met her Parisian lover in a the dead of winter in a coffee shop and he swept her off her feet. What a lovely tale eh? Made my day.

So it seems that my cull on Facebook needs to be explained. I will cull you if I never see you anymore, we never speak and we know nothing about each other anymore. With this in mind I got rid of a few people. Yesterday I ran into one of them at work who, a few months ago I'd had an incident or four with when drunk but which never would go any further. So, after we hadn't spoken for a while I thought, well, you're not even based in this office so CULL. Nothing personal just trying to get numbers down.

Then my friend tells me he has a new girlfriend now which is great news but if he discovers I've culled him he'll think its because of that! And it SO isn't. Total coincidence. So then I thought should I re-request friendship with him? Then I thought why the fuck am I worrying about this? Then I was walking along at work yesterday and was seeing if my friend Kate was in the canteen, and she wasn't so I went upstairs. Only realising then that this person was near the canteen and that it looked like the moment I saw him I'd spun on my heel and walked in the other direction. What do you think? Am I being too para? And all because of a cull.

Then after this another person I'd culled on facebook again for the simple reasons that we never speak, never see each other and know nothing about each other contacted me on MSN. And it was awkward cause I thought maybe he's contacting me cause he thinks I've culled him and wonders why but I couldn't bring myself to say anything.

Nevertheless, I'm doing another cull next week. Please don't be offended if you are a person culled, it's only because we never speak, we don't know each other anymore and never see each other. Basically you bring nothing to the table and neither do I, to yours.

I just got over excited when Facebook came out, that's all.

In other news SW1 Radio is BACK. Finally. My regular slot starts on Sunday 14th September 10:00am - 12pm and will be available for you to listen to on the internet here: I really hope you'll be able to listen in, even if you have a massive hangover cause its sunday an' all.
So that's 14th September 10:00am - 12pm! YAY!

And finally, I had a dream that I was pregnant and that the baby's hand came out of my belly button. What does it all mean?