Thursday, 29 January 2009

Don't waste your words, I don't need anything from you. I don't care where you've been or what you plan to do.

So! Good news, looks like I will be doing the show on Time 106.8FM every sunday 2pm -6pm. I still want to do SW1 radio as well so looks like Sunday will be a full day of Radio. (Bar this one cause I'm just gonna do Time and Lou's covering at SW1) YAY! Very pleased indeed. :-)

Going back to the saga of the headphones. General consensus has been that they're really sad - so now I'm confined to only using them at my desk where no-one can really see me. I modelled them for my friend in this bar in covent garden the other day and she actually grimaced and looked ashamed of being near me. She told me I had to dispose of them immediately and although I agreed, I still have them, infact I'm wearing them now. Take that!

I'm listening to "suddenly I'm in too deep" by Belinda Carlisle. I only remembered about this song the other day cause it was on Time Radio and it brought all the memories flooding back to a summer holiday I had in 1996 in Austria. My mate Sam and I went to a very small village called Mellau (avec parents).

Anyway - at the age I was, about 16, we didn't really wanna go cause we were too cool for school. Actually we were 17. That's pretty old to still be going on holiday with one's parents no? Yeah. Oh well. This is tiny Mellau:
Exhibit a

Anyway - we had our own room and ensuite and all that. The thing was though, we were going by COACH. All the way there. I made a video of the whole escapade. The first scene sees me talking to the camera saying "Tomorrow we're going on holday with MY PARENTS, and I've just been CHUCKED by Mark. Happy holidays!" Yes people, even in those days I had no luck with the lads. ARF! Anyway - back to my tale. All the way to Mellau Sam and I moaned continuously. After 48 hours (!) we arrived in Mellau and as we exited the coach all we kept seeing were BOYS. "BOYS BOYS BOYS I'm looking for a good time!" (My inner-monologue sang happily)

Needless to say our luck changed pretty soon. There seemed to be more lads than lasses and we had smooches with different lads every night! Then on the last night we went to this weekly disco and I was dancing around teaching the Austrians the "running man" and suddenly I saw that there were the four lads that I'd snogged on each separate night. I tried to get away but they all knew each other and consequently realised I'd played them (*finger snap*)like a good un. And as I panicked and tried to get outta there "Suddenly I'm in too deep" came on by Belinda Carlisle. And I thought "Right on Belinda I sure am over my head quite right too. Dunno why I told you that story. Oh well. Hey though! I did film a cat chucking up on that holiday video though so...

Anyway I'll leave you with this - made me laugh.
Exhibit B

Tuesday, 27 January 2009

And how I long for that sharp wind to take my breath away..

Oooh I feel all jolly today. Is it the weather? Or is it because I'm genuinely jolly? I hope...both. So lots has happened this week - starting at the beginning of the weekend. I got a phone call friday evening from a guy at Time 106.8FM, asking if I wanted to come in and do a try out at the station Sunday afternoon 2pm-6pm. I agreed immediately and then realised I wasn't sure of how their playout desk worked. So saturday, I headed to the studio for some training ready for the following day. Saturday night I had some friends round for a nice dinner and an impromptu rehearsal for Catface Comedy (on the 11th March) and good times.

I woke up Sunday at 6am pretty much bricking it about the show at Time FM and happily, it was pissing it down outside. I'd cleverly left my umbrella at work so had a quick shower and headed out the door about 8am to get to SW1 radio for my 10 o clock show. I met Louisa and was in a huge rage. She didn't feel too great either cause her flatmate had been doing painting and decorating and Louisa thought she'd been poisoned. We ruffled our feathers however and set about performing a top class show which in my oppinion it was. As the show drew to a close I started to feel sick about doing the show at TimeFM. I decided to just head on over and all the way I felt like I had on the first ten gigs I ever did in Stand-up comedy. Like I properly felt scared and sick and poo pooey. Yuck. Anyway I got there, did the show and it was cool (again in my opinion). I find out Wednesday whether I've secured a regular slot there. I HOPE SO.

What else? Oh yeah, I've decided to start playing the clarinet again. In my youth I got to Grade 5 and have been thinking recently I wouldn't mind a revisit. I bought a reed from a music shop in Camden and dug out my old faithful friend (clarinet). It felt really light in my hand, in the olden days it seemed heavy and awkward. I haven't actually played it for 16 years so I knew it might feel slightly different. I tried to do some simple scales but when I concentrated on it I kept missing notes. It was better to simply tootle away and then the notes and key changes seemed to just happen. It was a weird feeling but I reckon I'd like to get a bit more involved with this.

The strange thing is, I was having a conversation with a work colleague about an hour ago about The Dandy, Beezer and the Beano and we found ourselves being able to name almost all of the Bash Street Kids. It was like we'd opened a pocket of memory that I thought was lost forever. I likened this out-loud to her about the whole clarinet forgetting thing and it turns out she's revisiting Clarinet world as well! I didn't even know she could play! How weird! Maybe we should form a band. Anyway she's gonna bring me some music in so I can see if it all comes back to me. I can read music still cause I used to have to do that when I was a Wedding Singer and since then I'll have a tinkle on the piano now and then - all's good with the old sight reading so I hope it all comes back asap. Look at me with all my extra curricular activities!

So my plans for the week look like this, tomorrow I'm seeing my mate Brian who I've not caught up with for about 10 months! He's from California and loves Romy and Michelle as much as me. Thursday seeing Lou, and then Friday I'm heading to Karen's for some TAPAS. Every month we've planned to cook for each other but having the theme of the food coming from a different country. Next month I'm doing Chinese food from Scratch! I know, is there no end to my talents? I'm even knitting a scarf for Christ sakes! I know.

I gave an old lady 10 pence today so she could go to the toilet at Charing Cross loo's. She only had 20pence (30p to take a piss! DISGUSTING) so I made the money up to 30p. She stood there all struggling for 10p and was passed by about 6 different women all going to do a piss just because they all had 30p. Honestly people, how can you live with yourselves you vile creatures. I hate that there are so few normals around.

Like on friday, I was on the Northern line and the doors opened at Angel and I looked to my right and there was a scuffle going on between two men (this was about 10am). I was trying to work out what it was when all of a sudden I noticed that the man facing the doors was pulling back a guy trying to leave the train. Then I worked it out. The guy trying to leave the train had the man's laptop! THIEVING BASTARD!

The guy on the train grabbed it off him and shouted YOU ASSHOLE! And then shoved the guy who'd try to nick it off the train with gusto. The door shut and all was silent for like a split second. So I said to the guy "Did he just try to nick that?" And the guy was like "Yeah what a bastard!" and I glanced around me and EVERYONE Had their noses in their papers. Nothing to do with me! I will show NO concern as I am a robot and made entirely of metal. So I said to the guy "Are you ok? Well done for noticing him doing it, he'll think twice in future hopefully." The guy said "Oh thanks yeah I'm fine, bit shaken up". Still their noses were in their papers or were looking everywhere but the said incident.

So I exclaimed to the robot commuters as we pulled away "Right all you lot look out the window to get a look at him as we go past." And they just sat there. So I said "UM can you PLEASE have a look out the window and get a look at his face?" (It would shit the thief up if nothing else and I wanted to try to show the man that we supported him.) Anyway they begrudgingly glanced up and the THIEFY MAN HAD A COAT OVER HIS HEAD!! GOD!!! I hate people like that.

At the moment I'm listening to "Ain't no mountain high enough" by Marvin Gaye and friend and it makes me feel so happy! Get listening - s'lovely. I should be feeling sad cause I only lost a lb this week at WW, but onwards and upwards thats what I say!

Have a good week, and remember, don't turn the other cheek in life it makes one seem a proper wanker.


Tuesday, 20 January 2009

I don't wanna know your secrets. They lie heavy on my head.

What's cooler? Having ear plug type ear phones or ones that go over your head in a monkey style fasion? I know in the olden days sony walkmans had head-phones and then this became uncool - so one would wear plug stylie ear-phones. The thing is I've just bought some head-phones that look like these ones above. I'm wondering whether I'll look a nob cause they're not the massive DJ one's which do mean "You're cool". They're just basic smallish head phones. What do you reckon?

Sometimes I just can't tell what's cool and whats not. Like once I had this pair of GREAT sunglasses and everyone I met were like "Er.... nice shades". And I still to this day don't know what was so wrong with them. I was only about 16 but it haunts me to this day. Perhaps I just couldn't carry off the cool in that instance. How unusual for me.

I went to see Slumdog Millionaire on Saturday and instead of going alone my neighbour came with me. I was pretty glad, cause when I originally went to buy my solitary ticket I looked at the plan of the cinema and there were just blocks of two's, fours and sixes taken up. GOD. Doesn't anyone go to the pictures on their own anymore? Felt like a right loner trying to work out who to slot myself in between. How about that foursome? Or that jolly sixsome? NO THANKS. Anyway luckily she came with me but when we got to the till they only had seats in the FRONT ROW. BLeugh makes me feel sick. AND! AND! In front of us in the queue was a cool man ON HIS OWN. I was like "ok Katy you can fuck off now" Ah only joking. Anyway, back to the front row. After a while we got used to it and started to enjoy the film. I would COMPLETELY recommend this to anyone to go see.

After that I came home and watched my latest LOVE FILM DVD "Notes on a scandal" and I found myself slightly fancying the hunky boy in it. IS that bad? Sorry but I couldn't help it,it was the accent! I found myself saying aloud on more than one occassion "Well, you can't really blame her." Hmmmm. Ah well. Its a bit like me fancy that Ray boy on Dancing on Ice. He looks well young but when I saw him skating to "Mmmm Bop" last sunday it totally did it for me.

Sunday was radio show day and thanks once again to all who listened - I really really love doing it. This sunday its more of the same 10am-12pm on get involved thank-you please.

This week I've lots planned. Tonight me and my mate are heading off to Farringdon to look at a couple of venues - and also to re-examine the venue for Catface Comedy at the Betsey Trotwood. I need to see if I can do something extra magical for the 11th March. We'll probabaly go for a couple of wines after that. Then tomorrow I'm meeting my mate Karen for a diet coke (although I haven't had caffine for a year now - immpressive eh? I'll have a lime and soda instead) Then thursday, dinner at my friend's house in Primrose Hill. I'm hoping to pass members of the "Primrose SET" on the way there. What a bunch of nobs Kate Moss & co are. They have friendships that are literally WATCHED by the UK - which is so damn freaky. Whats the matter with them - they're too old to be doing this every night (even I can't get mashed every night) They're like embarrassing family members...Oh look here comes drunkard Auntie Kate..... don't wind her up cause she's got a temper when she's been on the sauce. UGH.

Anyway - that's enough from me. Mick Hucknall's on Alan Titchmarsh show right now - his face is like an old lady's face.


Thursday, 15 January 2009

The world was moving, she was right there with it and she was.

Mmmm I love it so. After messing about on Itunes for long enough they've kindly selected a list for me to choose from. It's called "just for you". For me? Really? And some of them are totally great, but some are just silly. Like they selected a Blacklace one for me, just cause I downloaded "Superman" for my Dance Off freestyle at my birthday. Got some classics I thought I'd lost like "Neverending Story" by Limahl. Great track, gonna play it Sunday on my radio show (listen! 10am-12pm-ish)

Who loves the new Virgin Adverts? Me! I do. Yay! Good old Virgins.

I've created a GROUP on Facebook. My first ever one. It's called Catface Comedy and I would love you all to join. Please join! There are photo's and information and photo's and a video of me fatting about so get involved.

So far I have 99 people in it and I'd like the list to get up to over 200 at least so if you read this blog (in secret) but would like to support me, please join the group. Funks.

I met my good pal Heather (Hevver Bevver) and we were meant to go to Pizza Express but Heather wanted to meet in our usual pub in Greenwich - so instead we did just that. 5 pints later there was no sign of a Pizza or an Express. There was however a very agreeable kebab shop. The thing is, I joined Weight Watchers on Tuesday and I'm determined to shift this flab. But just look what I did last night! What a nob. Why didn't you have more willpower Leanne? I don't know Leanne. I mean, perhaps we worked off some of the kebab when we came back to my house and did disco dancing but to be honest we were only doing side-steppy moves cause we were chatting and putting the world to rights.

Heather and I like to make up slogans for T-Shirts. Our latest one would be "Sooty say, it's ok." And then on the back would be the teddy puppet sooty shrugging and saying "hey, it's ok."
What a twat Charles is. I wanted to like the Royal's I really did but time and time again they're doing and saying the most wanky things. I just can't like them. Dicks.

My knee hurts today for NO reason. Stupid knee. Talking of stupid knee's the DLR (Dockland's Light Railway) is actually making me want to blow up into a huge volcanic lava of rage. It's a train line that's essentially governed by a computer which keeps breaking. Fucks sake. The other day it terminated 3 train loads of people off at Mudchute! Mudchute! I ask you, the most baron, stuck in the middle of nowhere station that ever lived! Me and some old ladies did big, big moans together.

I called the London transport police because the platform was dangerously over crowded. THEN! THEN! When a train finally did turn up (45mins later) everyone went and bundled onto it, and I couldn't get on! I was in the first train load of people to be turfed off so had been waiting there the longest :-( So I went up to the train door and was like "Oy I was the first one turfed off and I can't even get on now!" (Guilty looks from all) I then said "Look you can move down can't you, Come on people GET INVOLVED!" And they all started laughing? and moved down. WOW! THen I was teetering right by the door and I said "If I go down this gap someone's getting done for murder." Again more laughter! How strange londoners are. Sometimes they almost seem human.

This week I'm feeling more jolly than last so that's good news. Catface Comedy has been booked proper now for the 11th March. The acts are Chris Martin, Andrew J Lederer, David Trent, Lee Brace and Luke McQueen. YAY. You should really put this date in your diary now. That's my advice anyway. Also please don't forget to listen into my radio show this sunday 10am - 12pm on makes all the difference when I know people are listening. Fanks.

Right bye.

Monday, 12 January 2009

Smile, like you mean it.

A weekend which had ups and downs. Here are some of the ups. I ate lots of pringles, drank some red wine, did a good radio show and did some semi-writing with Caroline M. We MIGHT be going to Edinburgh this year! I hope so - but we have to make sure we can write another great show. I reckon we'll manage it. Saturday, I made an attempt to watch Saw IV but for some reason it was too disgusting even for me. I think it probably didn't help that I was ramming pringles in my mouth during the bloody bits. I switched off after twenty minutes. Thanks Lovefilm, but me no LOVE. Now get sending with some other depravity thankyou please!

So I've been watching the fantastic comedy "Pulling" on BBC3. God it's great and so true. This book "Hug" features in the first series (2nd episode) and the madness is, that book made ME cry too!. It belongs to my nephew Alex and one day I read it to him (he didn't care he can't speak and stuff) and Niagara Falls came from my eyes! The same thing happened to my sister and I called her immediately to inform her that it featured on "Pulling" also as a tear jerker. I bloody knew we weren't mental.

I'd watched a couple of "Pulling"s when it was on first time round a year or so ago, but no where near enough for I was always out boozing. Irony. Or is it? Whatever.

Oh yeah I do have some news. I'm starting good old Catface Comedy up again on the 11th March at the Betsey Trotwood (upstairs) I can't wait. It's going to be so dirty. Not really. Funny. God I'm BORED.

My new years resolutions have ALL failed. There was I, stuffing red wine down my gob most of last week coupled with the day afters's compulsory KFC. Never again am I getting involved with resolutions. They're hateful. I would like to re-name them Lifestyle Changes, though I suspect someone out there has already done this. Well so what.

And finally I'm sorry but I'm getting really fucking sick of men. Sorry if you are one. Sorry for YOU that is. No not really, not all of them but a couple of the ones I've come into contact with (not like THAT) over the last few months. Well not ALL of the ones I've been dealing with, some of which my friends have had to deal with also. I just keep thinking *sigh* when is one going to surprise me and actually be decent and normal. When I used to get called by pals with the latest outrageous story regarding a man I used to gasp and be like "What the?"
But now it's like..."Did he? How unusual...really? A MAN did that? YAWN"

What a shame eh? I know you all aren't dicks. I think I just need to go to the gym to get some of those happy endorphins. And to lose flab.

And that's all we have time for today, BYE.

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

I fashioned you from jewels and stone.

So we're well into 2009 now and thank god the "how was your xmas and new year?" enquiries that people don't really mean or care for the answer (lets be honest), have started to cease so thank fuck. My plan of no drinking seems to have worked except at a wedding on sunday it didn't work at all and I drank lots of red wine, and mulled wine. Mulled wine is soooo lovely. I like Gluhwein which is Austrian I think and yum. Matter of fact I might check for some of that online. Anyway, back to my tales of woe, I mean back to the wedding. It was GREAT. My good friend's Sam and James were getting married after a MERE 15 years together. I did a reading and so did Leon. Went ok 'cept I got a bit choked and did lots of clearing of my throat but in the end it all came good.

After the ceremony there were whoredevours, and I ate loads! Then we drank mulled wine, and went to get some dinner. SO much fun it was. I love the gang, even though they're ALL married and most are now with child. It feels weird hanging out with them sometimes cause in the old days I had a boyf and we used to all go out as a big group. That's not to say I feel like I don't fit in, I've known them for so bloody long I can't NOT fit, having known most since I was 8! Just I sometimes wonder what they think of crazy old Leanne. Prolly that she's crazy and old and now appears to be referring to herself in the third person. Crazy bitch.

Anyway then it was time for the disco. We were all boogying down to Barry White and I looked around at the lads, Danny Pegg, Matt Till, & Andy Peckover and I noticed that they all appeared to be doing severe Dad Dancing. Then I glanced down at myself and yes, I was indeed doing Mum Dancing. How did that happen? When did it happen? We used to look so cool, so hip, so with it. And now look, flapping our arms about, attempting the Robot intermittently and occassionally attempting to spin each other under arm with little success in a rock and roll stylie. Happy days.

As usual towards the end of the night things got messy and I found myself running around the car park in the snow with Leon and Lee. YAY. The next day I was still drunk at breakfast and had a really loud talking voice, trying to seem sober but failing miserably to everyone who went to bed at the reasonable time of midnight. OH well. Great days and congratulations to Sammy and James.

Now, the rest of the week looks like this:


And that's how I likes it.

Friday, 2 January 2009

I hope it's gonna make you notice someone like me.

Well that went bloody quick didn't it. GOOD. At first this whole festive period seems like fun (say around the 7th December) but then after a while it all becomes a little painful and I can't wait for it to be over. And now it is! YAY.

New Years Eve was ok - I went to my friend Louisa's house for a party, I even brought my disco lights with me. I decided to drink white wine because that makes me the most mental and unapproachable person that ever lived. Well done me. In every picture I seem to have a look that very clearly states "Fuck off away from me". I must have just been feeling all like .....vulnerable...... which with it being New Year and all.... I 'spect that made me a little erm....guarded.

We went for a New Year kebab at about 1am (me and karen) and came across many many argues going on in Beckenham. There were two girls doing argues IN the kebab shop and then outside, there was a man and a lady doing argues. My friend wanted to make sure the girl was ok. She seemed alright to me, she kept shrieking at the boy "I got a punch in the face for YOU!" But the boy seemed uninterested. We asked the girl if she was ok and she was quite dismissive of our kebab stinking helping hand/s. Apparently when I discovered what the boy had done to the girl, my sympathetic words of wisdom to her were "Get some back-bone and get a cab home." And then flounced off clutching my Doner. I knew the evening was over when I fell off the kitchen counter and cut my knee. Great days.

So now onto my new years resolutions. I have many and I suppose to most will seem boring. I obviously will be Detoxing drastically which means no drinking for the WHOLE of January. I really am determined to give my liver a rest, poor little liver. Also the eating thing has gotten out of control so that must change. I really really wanna keep up the no drinking thing although I have a wedding to go to on sunday so it's going to be tough. MUST.... RESTRAIN... THOUGH. What else? Not much - celebrity BB starts tonight and I shall be watching. I hear that Ulrika Johnson's going in? WHHYY!!! Must just be a rumour - she needs neither career boostage or killage.

So I'm doing a reading at this wedding on Sunday, a passage from the Velveteen Rabbit. S'lovely it is and when I first read it I was blubbing like a right div. I'm now (after hundreds o times of reading it through completely) totally immune to it and its powers.

I hope everyone enjoyed their new year's and if you didn't, remember its JUST ANOTHER DAY.