Sunday, 29 June 2008

Somewhere we can be ourselves... Some of the time.

Hello! So I'm back from Iiza now, and it sucks. Since I've been home my plan to eat healthy has gone straight outta the window. Starting Friday night with an Indian Takeaway with my mate Karen. Bah. And then last night I went out in Greenwich with my pal Kerry and drank loads of Stella. I also had a shot of Sambuca AND a shot of Tequila. Now I feel sick. Its the £10 card limit's fault, if you have to make it up to a tenner what ya gonna do...? We met some nice lads and I think a couple of them are going to come to Catface Comedy thursday. Or so they say.

Today we have Come Dine with Me south east London stylie. Basically, me and three pals are, for the next four sundays cooking a three course meal for the other three which we are to mark out of ten. We each text these scores through to an independent adjudicator who tallies the points up and then on the last sunday sends them through to the final host who reveals the winner. Prize fund is £20. It all seemed a good idea when we first thought of it. But now its got quite competitive... I'm seriously stressing about what my main course is going to be. Here's the menu for today at Karen's house. Bloody 'ell.

mixed olives & ciabatta bread

seafood parcels
scallops, salmon & prawns wrapped in filo pastry served with crème fraiche
and dill / avocado dips

lamb escalope with rosemary served with mash potato, asparagus & fine green beans

lemon sorbet

cheese board – coffee & mints

We're filming it as best we can, so I shall put it up on Facebook or something when the show's finished and I've WON.

Oh my god I almost forgot. What about Hollyoaks! It was soooooooo sad. Lovely Max is gone, I cried like I did when I first watched Edward Scissorhands! Oh Max - won't be the same without you my love. If you don't watch Hollyoaks then the above will make NO sense.

Katie and I have booked our train to Edinburgh - we go up on the 14th for three nights and I've already started to collate my list of must sees. I'm looking forward to the stress of not performing and just watching, last year was ridiculous, I saw about 3 shows cause I was either sleeping, performing or plain ole' drunk.

And finally, its Catface Comedy this thursday! Tiz in Clerkenwell at the Slaughtered Lamb which is in Great Sutton Street and starts at 8pm. I'm doing my Queen of the Night dance Live, this is a sight NOT to be missed specially after all the food I've been troughing of late....


Thursday, 26 June 2008

What you waiting for?

It´s the last day of my Rolliday alREADY! :-( BOOOO! I´m writing this blog in the sweaty internet room in the hotel cause its just silly boiling hot outside on the beach. I´m quite tanned now if I do say so myself so the uncomfortable lying around on the beach, day in day out has not been in vain I´m pleased to report.

One thing I´m NOT pleased to report is that I haven´t had a holiday romance. This is because its slim pickings in this resort cause it´s so quiet. The best night life is in a place called Mr. Cairo´s which is a cheesy night club that after 12pm becomes dead (except for a few MEGA-chavs hanging around drinking "Blue Lagoons" but more about them later.)

Man wise, there are plenty of DILF´s about, but then again they´re DILF´s aren´t they.......... so near, yet so far. Lad wise there´s a man on the Italian entertainment team who is far too tanned to take seriously, he´s literally dark orange and has woman arms. He´s the best of a bad bunch though so I stare at him from afar alot.

But yes, these mega chav´s are intense. The other day we went to Mr Cairo´s and there was a drag act on called "Diamond Class" or something and this big gang of right old chavs were there being soooo yucky. I was embarrassed to be near them. They even looked inbred, you know that ratty face look, that only a sister or brother could love.....Well they had faces like that.

In other news the other day I wowed a 200 strong crowd with my rendition of Hotel Calafornia and later on La Isla Bonita by Madonna... Oh Karaoke, such such fun.

Although I´ve been relaxing, I´ve also been doing lots of thinking and planning about how I can become a millionaire. All my problems would be solved if I had a big wad of cash. I doubt I´ll win the lottery (I´ve studied probability you see) but I MAY be able to become some kind of business lady, if I could just invent something..... Hmmmm.

Right just a short one today for I´m sweating like an ox on heat.


Sunday, 22 June 2008

Good day Sunshine.

Yeah! So I´m here in Ibiza in a sweaty internet room thing in the hotel tapping this very brief blog out. So far the hol has been great, with blue skies and baking hot sun. I´m being extra careful and wearing FACTOR 15 and no. 30 on my area by my lady bits. (As in my upper thighs.) As in they never see the light of day so are pretty much SCREAMING every time I expose myself. Not expose myself, sunbathe. So far I have seen 2.5 good looking men but they don´t see me. Probably for the best.

A typical day is breakfast at nine, full english. Then back to the room for a quick bout of the runs. This is then followed by some factor application followed by some tears at the sight of myself in a bikini. Then its off to the beach for some extreme sunshine. At around 2pm its time for lunch so its back up to the cafe for a tuna roll. (I fancy the waitor but he doesn´t fancy me.)

Later on, I will do more sunbathing and then go for a swim in the crystal clear aqua marine sea. This is much fun. I generally bob about thinking that if I won the lottery I would live here. There´s a specific apartment I would buy and also a specific boat. After this I tend to do some doggy paddle, and then get my feet caught in sea weed. This makes me scream and I exit the sea.

Later on its time to have a snooze under the umbrella. After much dribbling its time to wake up to read some more "Marian Keyes". This is followed by a trip to the Hotel´s pool where in Lauren proceeds to swim in an extremely athletic style (head in water, goggles etc) and I do more bobbing around, coupled with treading water.

Now its time to look lovely. I do showering and ready for dinner where in I order some red wine. This for some reason is chilled, but is still drinkable. Later on its up to watch some night time cabaret, last night it was Bird´s of Prey. Actual birds were flying around the audience being all big and swoopy. At this point Lauren turned to me and said "We don´t like this do we." I said "No we don´t Lauren" to which she replied "No, its like Bear Dancing isn´t it." To which I replied "HAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAA! Funniest thing you´ve said all holiday" Great days.

Later on we went to Cairo´s (nearby bar thing) and I did Karaoke. "Lipstick on your Collar" and Tracey Ulman´s "They don´t know about us". I dedicated the latter to the DJ in his BOOTH because he didn´t know about us but I think he loved it.

So far this holiday gets an 8.5 our of 10. Basically, if I could live here I would, Cala Llonga is beautiful.


Tuesday, 17 June 2008

Forget about the worries on your mind, you can leave them all behind.

So, last week I went to Stockholm to the MTV office and to do some management training. It was pretty cool but busy. Everyone in Stockholm is pretty. One night me and my colleague Per went out with two girls called Frida and Lisa and they were SOOOOOOOO Nordic. They had blonde hair and crystal blue eyes and were all tanned and annoyingly lovely looking in general. I felt like their mother. I was glad to get back to ugly old London. Not really. But sometimes, really.

I also did my best to chase contacts for Morton Harket. Didn't have much luck although I found a producer who offered me the alternative of the bald bloke out of "Aqua" (Barbie Girl).

The weekend I went to see my friend Sophie with my mate Lauren. She's 'avin a baby soon. We talked lots about birthin' babies. I didn't really join in much except when sophie told us that her friend had had contractions in her back bottom. I wanted to know "Did she shit her baby out then?" I felt my comment was unwelcome. Then I went to Primark and stocked up for my forth coming ROLLiday to Ibiza. Then I took Ma and Pa out for dinner to Eynsford to the Plough. Was pleasant - Twas great to spend some time with them, they're real cats.

In eynsford there's a ford and sometimes people drive through it and get their cars stuck in the river. We saw a couple in this very predicament on saturday and its always the same.....the boy with wet ankles standing at the side of the river and the girl in the car in the middle of the river with a face like pure thunder. Hahahaha how we laughed (at them).

Sunday I worked all day and then in the evening did a gig in Earls Court for Laughing Beats comedy. It was ok, but in my experience music doesn't normally work with stand-up. Its confusing even for me. Although, in my head I had a great time. I did some new stuff and even though the audience were looking at me as if to say "What the fuck?" I came off stage smiling.

After me was a really REALLY serious female singer - going on about how fabulous love is and what if "You're not the one" and all that. I had to laugh as my parting shot when I'd been on stage was to inform the crowd that my "hair clips were just for show and that my jugs were ample" and then wink at one of the muscians before flouncing off stage. Stuck around after that as the whole situation amused me lots.

Later on I came home had a sip of red wine and suddenly it was 6:30 am and I was in my armchair. Hate it when that happens. Since then I've had a head ache which doesn't wanna go. I have stoopid amounts to do before I head off on my hols friday. I have work a plenty but also loose ends to tie like getting my posters and fliers sorted for Catface COmedy which incidently starts on the 3rd July! Also, I have to dye my hair back to blonde. (You go back to her and I'll go back to blonde). I'm having highlights done in labrador yellow.

Will write proper soon.

Monday, 9 June 2008

I'm not like the others.

I made a cake! YAY! It looked disgusting but tasted ok. Everyone at work ate it all up even though they had to close their eyes before putting it in there mouths cause the chocolate ganache icing was like brown wee wee. Here is a picture of me and my cake (its in pieces cause I smushed it in the tuppaware container in a massive rage)

Exhibit A

Friday evening it was the Pat Pub event of the year. My manager was over from Holland and we always have a good laugh when we go out. I got drunk really quick and became obsessed with high fiving. My palm actually hurt the next day. I even started a mexican high five around the pub which was like the best thing ever (at the time). All of a sudden a man was there with a guitar (I asked him to come over apparently) and he started singing classics like Hey Jude so we could all drunkenly join in with "Naa naa na na naaa - hey judy judy judy baby!" etc.

Exhibit B

The table behind me (see how they chat) were not being forthcoming enough so I demanded that they jolly well join in. And get this......they didn't stab me! Maybe Camden's on the up.
The next day I had to work (again) so off I went. It was ok actually it was a nice crowd in and we had many a laugh they really are a good bunch. Towards the end of the day when Tom and I were flagging we stumbled across the game "Name that Tune" which was promoted by him humming Shanice's Classic "I love your smile" - after this we didn't look back and the day flew by.
Sunday I had a nice lie in and then as it was such a beautiful day decided to head into Greenwich for a look around the market and that. I ended up at the Cutty Sark pier and suddenly decided I wanted to see what Greenwich looked like from the other side of the Thames. So under the sea I went and came up the other side at Island Gardens. It was right explory it was. Very claustraphobic under the sea mind you.

Later on Ma and Pa came for some lunch. I did chicken ceasar salad, bruschetta and smoked salmon on ciabatta with lemon juice and creme fraiche. They enjoyed. We always have a good laugh and my dad is so excited cause next door to them are getting chickens and when they go away my dad has to look after them and these ones have to be fussed over.
My dad reminded me of something I said to him when I was drunk a few weeks back when we were round my neighbours house. Apparently I went to him, "Daddy, your hair's like spun gold."
"Why thank you" he replied.
"THATS NOT A COMPLIMENT" I barked and stalked off. What in the world according to Garp? Haaaaa
So.... I go to Sweden tomorrow to Stockholm on (Lawrence has to go out on..) business I'm afraid. Should be nice. And then next week I go to Ibiza! Hooray! I'm joining a new gym, Virgin Active at the Strand. Its like a spaceship, all modern and that. I'm the fattest one there so that should motivate me to go more often. YAY!

Friday, 6 June 2008

We think you are stupid.

Only one more Apprentice left to go, I am PRAYING that my Alex Wotherspoon wins. Ok, so I learnt the other day that he has a girlfriend and she's young, pretty and thin, but that's not everything Alex! Can she cook? I suspect not.

If he wins the Apprentice that means he's probably already living in London which equals nearer to ME. I don't think Alan Sugar's office is actually Canary Wharf, I believe the panning shot above is just for effect. So where the hell is Alan's office? If anyone knows this please let me know so that I can efficiently stalk my new husband.

Also, only one more Peep Show to go which is fubbish. I love that show. I sort of love Mark Corrigan as well. (I don't love his eyes cause they make him look like an alien. )

Tonight I am out in Camden for tiz the opening of Pat's new bar. Makes me feel a bit of an alchy cause Pat the land lord of my old local in Camden actually called me to let me know his new pub was opening. I really really must get home for Peep show on Channel 4 plus 1 tonight though. I can't still be wandering the streets of camden at 2am tomorrow, observing fighting etc. I must get home!

So, its gotta be done *sigh*.... Did you watch Big Brother last night? I watched most of it. Same old shit etc. It truly makes me cringe at how desperate for fame some people are. No good can come of it, haven't they learnt after the Jade Goody saga? Also although Davina looked very pretty and lovely in her dress, her presenting manner was even more annoying than usual and plus she seems to be a bit old to be acting all excited over something as "non event" as Big Bro. Look at Dermot O Leary, walked away with his dignity and pride (except for the X Factor debacle). God I love him - he'd be the perfect boyfriend I reck. After BB there was a special Friday Night project thing which featured the ex Big Bro contestants. What is up with Ziggy's face though? It looks really um...tight. And his hair was in 90's style curtains.... weirdo!

Hey this whole blog's been about TV (cept for the going out in Camden bit...), the truth is there ain't much to report, so will leave it there. Byeee.

Wednesday, 4 June 2008

Now I ain't freakin', I ain't faking this - shut up and let me go.

What is it with the dating game? I am SO out of it now. Fuck that. I met my mate James last night in London Bridge for a couple of drinks and we were discussing general dating etiquette. He seemed to think that men act all interested after they've been on a date with you, then blow you out cause they want to prove they COULD have you. PATHETIC. If this is true then that's mental.

One of my friend's is on My Single Friend website and the other day she had contact from this one guy who told her that he lives his life by the term Carpediem. She didn't know what this meant and texted me to ask. I told her it meant Seize the Day and although its a latin term is also from the 80's classic "Dead Poets Society" and during the late eighties early nineties men went round thinking it was cool to say it ALL THE TIME. Its so old now. (One of my ex's used to say it and also go on about "Coglans's Law" from the film Cocktail featuring Tom Cruise and Elizabeth Shue...)

I told her the guy who reckons he abides by this term must be an utter loser as its SO last decade (times two!) Its like me going round quoting Harry Enfield and Chums "Only ME!"etc. GOD. Are there any decent men left?
Hey what's Elisabeth Shue up to now anyway? Remember when she was the cream of the crop? Where is she now though? In counselling I expect (I can talk) with Fred Savage and Paul Gasgoine.

I've been having a little trip down memory lane today listening to cartoon intro's on Youtube of which I've not heard some of for ages. Like "Cities of Gold". The artist who draws those cartoons always makes some of the characters look like monkeys I've noticed. Some of the theme tunes are unbelievably poor like "The Racoons". AWFUL. He-man still sounds good, as does The Family Ness, Tale Spin, Maid Marion (OBVIOUSLY), Raggy Dolls, and Around the world with Willy Fogg. Button Moon was AWFUL as well. Get involved and have a listen on Youtube.

Tonight I'm off to Body Combat at the gym and then out with some friends. Body Combat is cool but you do feel a bit of a nobber doing some of the moves. So you do like punchy moves and kicking and say "Yah!" etc and then you become all skinny. However I do feel rather put off by my teacher cause shes a bit of a chunker and I think how come?? Am I gonna be like you? Still a chunker but incredibly fit?

Its like when I used to go to Slimming World (at 10 stone WHY?) and the leader was obese. Look, I'm just being honest, she was. Anyway she used to say EVERY WEEK that she refused to be "Fat and Forty" and in my head every week I used to think "but you still are" and she never lost any weight. What a dilludinoid. I like it when the person is all thin so I can wish I were them. Like when I watch Friends. Its like a happy thought to wish I was Rachel. And when I watch Cold Feet and they are all happy in their Sixsome and its my happy thought to wish me and my imaginery sixsome clan would all spend millenium in a castle in Scotland just all happy with what we've got. And like when I think about what I'd do if I won the lottery. ALL HAPPY THOUGHTS. Ah.... Great days (They would be).

I got a call from Pat who used to manage the Oxford Arms Pub in Camden to say that he's got a NEW pub in Camden and opening THIS FRIDAY! I went down to check it out today it looks gooooood. And its off the beaten track which means less tourists cause they can get a bit annoying with all their souveniers cluttering up the place. They don't serve food in their yet but Pat assured me that they would stock Pork Scratchings a plenty so I'm happy. The pub is called The Sheep Tavern and Bay so come along!

Right thats it for today. Bye.

Monday, 2 June 2008

Cause I'm not here to reflect you, I wish your friends would leave me alone.

My plan to become slim and beautiful is still underway. Saturday I was too hungover to eat. Result. Oh it was SOOOO violent in Camden on friday night. All I kept seeing was fighty fighty fight fights..... it seemed that there was an inexplicable aggression in the air. Even people in our own gang were having rows. The final straw was when I was walking up Camden High Street about 2am and I heard thig guy behind me go "What did you say?" to someone near him. My mate Stuart was like "Don't look, keep walking."

But I did look and there before me were two men punching this guy on his own to the ground. "OY!" all us passing revellers screamed. "Get the fuck off him" etc etc... In the end they stopped and tried to look all nochalent when the police pulled up in their car and got out. The two offenders tried to saunter off but I shouted "Nick em! They just beat that bloke up!" etc etc. The police DID get them. HAAH! "Gutted!" I shouted helpfully.

The thing is, I used to be immune to fighting coming from Orpington an' all. It was unusual when there wasn't a fight after closing if I'm honest. I remember one jolly new year when we were in the pub and a massive fight kicked off and a load of the lads from my table jumped into help and they ran across the table. I automatically picked my drink up stepped back to dodge the "bullets" and continued chatting to my mate. Only after about two minutes did I realise that her bra was exposed cause the cufuffle was so intense.

Now when I see fighting it makes me wanna cry. Specially when its not a fair fight like the one in Camden friday night. Ah well. One day I'll move to the seaside and be away from all these freaks. (cause I expect freaks don't exist by the sea)

After Friday night's escapades I didn't do much the rest of the weekend, cept chores and overtime. Sunday I spent alot of time on the phone to my single girlfriends, dissecting men and feeling all glad that we're single. I've made my mind up - I'd rather be in the situation I am in than with someone who I am simply settling for. On reflection when I look at partners I've had from the beginning of 2003 to now, none of them have wanted me enough and if I'm honest, I didn't really want them either.

They were nice and all but prolly better off being my mates, and the "I would do anything for you" factor was definitely not there. I know it exists (cause look at Gavin and Stacey) and until it comes round I shan't settle - I'd rather be in a house full of CAT PISS than be in something I don't really want (there would be actual cats in the house as well). Now this is realised I feel better........... I thought you should know this too. DON'T SETTLE FOR LESS, FOR YOU ARE GREAT.

This link has nowt to do with my blog. Just love this clip.