Friday, 18 November 2011

You turn around and life's passed you by. You look to ones you love and ask them why? You look to those you love to justify...

G'day! Yay it's nearly CATurday. My favourite day of the week.

Have you seen the John Lewis advert where the little boy is counting down to Christmas Day as he can't (apparently) wait to give his Mum and Dad a present from John Lewis?
Well, I'll agree it's rather sweet and he has a rather nice smiling cherub face. But the facts are these. No way could he afford to shop in John Lewis, nor would he have been able to go there without his parents to accompany him. Maybe his Nan went with him. But that doesn't explain the cash flow issue.

I myself at his age was receiving a mere 50 pence a week pocket money. With that I would go to the shops down my road (before Thundercats started) to buy Happy Shopper lemonade or cola, some penny sweets (which really WERE a penny, as opposed to these days... honestly I went to the cinema the other week and bought some Pick n Mix and I was disgusted to find that a few fizzy strawbs and shoe laces came in at a whopping £3.41!)
Then my friend Julia would come and knock for me and we'd guzzle our hoard in front of Snarf , Liono and the gang.... Then the following Saturday (which was the only day I was allowed sweeties) we'd do the same again. John Lewis? My arse.

I remember I could make my pocket money up to more by doing chores. So if I did the washing up I'd get 40 pence mid week (per washing up) and 70 pence for Sunday washing up. And once, I managed to save £3.20 which I was going to buy my mum a birthday present with. I was so pleased I'd managed to save it all up. I went down the high street with my mate Cheryl and somehow, managed to lose my purse. I was distraught, we searched everywhere and eventually found my purse, empty of it's contents. I ran around bawling for a bit and finally went to Iceland (in those day's knows as BEJAMS) and found my sister who used to have a Saturday job there. And through snot and tears explained my predicament. She took pity and stole £3.20 out the till to give to me. (I think it was also to get rid of me, for I suspect I was making a scene:-))

Bless me and my poorness. When I was 14 I got a Saturday job in Curtess shoes which was in the corner of Peacocks (very depressing) and I used to do 10am - 2pm for £2.43 per hour. Then I could buy as many Happy Shopper cola's as I liked.
I do think it important that kids get Saturday jobs early on because it prepares them for later life in the work place. In all seriousness I can usually tell people that haven't worked until after Uni/A-levels even at a part time level. It's quite obvious in fact. Therefore it shall be compulsory that my child does a few hours a week part time when they're 16. (I think that's the earliest kids can work these days).

Right, so I've read this back and I sound like an OLD LADY. What the EFF. I've changed. The other day, me and Warren were at a dinner party at our friend's in Wandsworth and we were remarking on our heating and congratulating ourselves on the fact we've not had our's on this year so far. WTF?! Bloody Ell Barbara.

I saw my friend Evie on Wednesday and stayed at her house in Archway. We had a very good laugh but too much wine and too much Youtube. Drinking and Youtube is not a good idea for it never ends. As soon as you watch one, you remember another and another and another and so on... This one is my favourite at the mo...

(Happy Birthday to the GROUND!)

Anyway - lunch over - have a lovely weekend y'all.

Tuesday, 15 November 2011

Infect me with your love and fill me with your poison, take me, tttake me....

SO! Long time no type! Lots has been happening and as the wedding looms I feel rushed off my feet.

The most recent event I can recall is attending the EMA's as a talent escort last weekend. I ended up looking after Selena Gomez, band, backing vocalists and dancers. It was hard work and my feet were killing me. I saw the following celebs, Lady Gaga, Chris Martin, Queen, Snooki and JWOW (a highlight for me, I love Jersey Shore), Jessie J, Katy Perry, Bruno Mars and quite a few more. Some of course I didn't recognise being an old lady. Like LMFAO (is that the right acronym?). They do that "shuffling" song where they do the running man in unison. It's all very clever. The whole experience was really cool - but way too much being on my poor old feets!
Thus ,me and my mate Trish quickly realised, that we were "too old for this shit."

In other less interesting news we have completed and await our wedding invites. Now, this part of the process was the biggest CHORE for me. In the end I got this amazing task (surprise surprise) and I have to say it was an ordeal. In the end, I copied and pasted all wording from pretty much all of the invites I've ever received up to date. Sorry but WTF. BORING ALERT.

Warren and I have had a few bickers over who does what for the wedding. In other words I'm thinking of the stuff to do and then doing it, and he is doing the stuff I think of for him to do. He's like, "I am helping just tell me what to do?!" And I'm like "why can't you think of it for yourself? For example how does the CAKE magic itself there Warren? How? How?!" Ahem. "And how do the fu*king bows get magically on the back of the chairs?! EH?!"

Bless him really. It's more of a woman's job I'm afraid to say and we're nearly there but not quite.

So I watched "I'm a celebrity" last night and BLEUGH. Freddie Star makes me feel sick. Generally. Also why did Iceland advertise food that replicates anus's after that task? Don't they get that the public will now associate a prawn ball with a turkey's ACTUAL bollock? Fuck that was an over sight and a half. They should have just had Stacey soloman shimmering about in disco mode during the break. Then we could just go back to associating camel's toes with her in general as opposed to their food which as I understand it, is there BREAD AND BUTTER.

This weekend just gone Warren and I decided to go for a weekend away to a quaint little village in Kent, that's haunted. Actual Yvette Fielding (of Sea view in the 80's) has been there and everything. We didn't see a thing but I was still too scared to get up in the night and go to the toilet. Instead waiting until Warren awoke and then I scuttled in straight after him.
Talking of Yvette Fielding and the 80's. My mum and dad have just recovered a load of annuals from the 80's namely GIRL and JACKIE. I had a good old read of these and they're well blunt. Their diet tips are harsh. Writing stuff like "to avoid being a fatty"... haha I recommend.

Right just a quick one today.

Till next time.

Tuesday, 23 August 2011

Did I dream you dreamed about me.

What the EFF is going on with the weather. Stop raining you knob! It's annoying.

Well! What a crazy time it's been these last few weeks. Obviously I'll start with the riots. WHAT THE EFF!!? At the time when it was all kicking off I was genuinely concerned. Basically I live in the middle of Deptford and Lewisham and all around me, these two locations were being savaged by the savages. At one point when I could see black smoke billowing up from our bedroom window we considered making a a run for it. But then I thought what happens if they burnt the flat down whilst I was out and poor Colin the rabbit ended up deaded? So we decided to stay. This basically meant that I sat around watching Sky News until 1am. I couldn't sleep either cos every five minutes it felt like a police siren going past. Plus there were a few masked youths laughing and walking down Blackheath Road all happily and it made me scared. It felt like a war.

The next day the atmosphere in London was sombre. People were wondering what that next night would have in store for us. I decided to head to Orpington for refuge and my man would stay with Colin. I met my mum at Orpington station, most of the shops had closed and Tesco was just about to join them. We needed provisions though so it was necessary to rush in there. We needed Pork Pies, Quiche Lorraine, Sausage Rolls and White Wine. We managed to locate all of these essentials and zipped back to my Ma and Pa's.

And nothing happened. And there was I jogging round Tesco's like a mad man grabbing all the pastry'd items I could find when nowt actually came of it. It seemed the night before had been the clincher.
Someone posted on Youtube, some footage of the "Nugent" in Orpington being broken into. (the Nugent is a fairly new shopping development just outside of Orpington). As usual the Orpingtonian's made a right pigs ear of this. You can see many full facial shots of people laughing and running out of the "Game" store clutching computer consoles with gay abandon. They openly call each other by NAME as well. *sigh*....

Anyway as you will have seen, allot of these little shits have been arrested now. Plus that evil boy that mugged the lad who had a broken jaw (pretending to help him). I'm pleased to see that said boy has got loads of free stuff for his trouble. Doesn't make everything alright though, but it's a start.

SO! In other news, my bloody ankle is still giving me Jip. It turns out that I tore the ligament in my ankle by 60%! The lady says (physio lady) that it would have been better if I'd broken it. :-( BUMS. I am allowed to do swimming and Pilate's. Both forms of exercise I find super boring. Specially Pilate's. But apparently it's sposed to be extra good for you. In the run up to this exercise plan I have had to feed the pain with excessive food and excessive wine intake. I'm pleased to say that this objective is being met daily.

We went to Dorset for the weekend last week and I ate TWO large pork pies from Bridport farmers market and a massive steak each and much pate on warm crusty bread. Very nice. Dreading looking at the scales again (obviiously with me on them). My FINAL eating plan starts again on the 1st September. I've joined Virgin Active to give me an incentive. I didn't like Fitness first, there was always clumps of pubes on the shower floors. BLEE.

I get measured FINALLY for my wedding dress in Feb so I figure that gives me 4 months to get those last few pounds (stone) off. To be honest, the dress looks fine on now, its got an EXTRA sucky in basque in it. The wonders of BONE-ING. (snigger)

I just burped and where I've got head phones on I'm wondering if anyone heard me. I daren't look around just in case. Oh no. Embarrassing. (I'm at work)

Anyways, so yes, the latest in TV is of course BB and X factor. Big Brother I'm going off of quite quickly. Boring KERRY KATONA, BORING TARA REID, BORING BORING BORING.
HOWEVER I though X Factor was Xcellent this week. And isn't Gary Barlow gorgeous. I love him a bit. Also, If you watched it you'll know what I mean when I mention that cringey girl kitty, the one who sat on the stage. I literally got a watery mouth where I nearly puked at her behaviour. But as for the judges I think they did a MUCH better job certainly without Dani and Cheryl. I like their SPUNK.

And that's that. I hope you're all well.

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Don't crack up.... Bend your brain, see both sides, throw off your mental chains....


(Not my PERIOD in case you're an "Are you there God it's me Margaret" fan.)

No, I GOT IT! I got the DRESS. The wedding dress I mean. The one I will become a Mrs. WIFE in.

Well, this has been a long time coming cos I've been putting it off until I've shifted some more flabbage. But in the end someone convinced me to call up the Bridey shop and when I told them the date of my wedding she told me off for not coming in sooner! She told me that I was CUTTING IT FINE and that anything could happen in the 7 months until my wedding. She said "what happens if there's another ash cloud?" And I wasn't equipped to answer her on that one, so I made an appointment for Saturday just gone.

I explained to the lady that I was planning on losing more weight and I didn't see the point in coming in before now. She said there was "nothing of me". Er yeh. Right. So when I finally went in with my SPRAINED ankle and crutch (more on that later) I felt incredible apprehensive. She asked me to pick out three dresses I liked. But they all looked the SAME to me. By now I was feeling extra blue. Luckily my mate and Ma was there to help. Sam picked a few and I said they were OK so we went to try them on. Even though my face was GLUM.

At first I looked a bit like a sausage squashed into an incredibly tight space. These dresses were the WRONG size. The sucking in of the fat was good but then it had to go somewhere, and thus billowed over the dress in copious BACK FAT.

But THEN I tried on this dress that was very similar to all other generic wedding dresses and it looked GOOD. So I thought, well I don't want THIS dress cos all ladies have this one, but the shape is GOOOOOOD but more BLING please and more DETAIL etc. And then the lady brought out this dress and it was much more money than I wanted to spend and do you know? It fit. It bloody fit. So I ordered it. Phew.
I plan to lose 1.5 stone by the time I get it. EASY PEASY, now I've seen it. I've done 1.5 stone in total up to now so we're on our way baby!
(Oh God it's really happening. Bloody 'ell Barbara.)

Anyway, now onto other stuff. So, as I mentioned above I have cleverly sprained my ankle AGAIN. Honestly my ankles are PATHETIC. All spindly and sparrow like. One false move and WHOOPS there she goes, arse over tit. This particular injury was done at a BBQ last Saturday. I'd only been there half an hour or so, I tried to ignore the pain by drinking more Vodka (I'm on Atkins) but to no avail. It just got worse and worse and my ankle became fat and bloated. Warren had to carry me out to the car. Haha. Luckily the vodka did help to numb some of the pain but the next day, it bloody killed. And now my left foot is all green like Shrek. I look HOT. Also this limping lark is VERY boring indeed.

I've got back into my Itunes downloads again. I'm extra loving this song below. Bad quality clip but on Itunes it sounds MINT. Very good for when you feel blue, or if you're LIMPING:

Have a listen.

In other news I'm going on this high powered speed boat ride on Sunday on the Thames. It was a treat for my dad's 60th. I dunno why he wants to do something so dangerous but I reluctantly agreed to go along. Warren's coming too, Mummy's watching. Anyway, apparently they have James Bond music accompanying you whilst you zoom along. Scary stuff. Will let you know if I survive.

Anyway I'm off for coffee with Princess Kitty. Off I go.

*whistling* (Ain't nothing gonna break my stride, no body's gonna slow me down oh no, I've got to keep on moving...)

Wednesday, 6 July 2011

Don't trust your mind, it's not always listening...

I've just got back from my hols. It was ace and the weather was majorly hot. I'm pleased to report I got a tan and my bikini's weren't nearly as tight as I had envisaged. I ate loads of steak and drank gallons of wine.

Nothing very interesting happened though except a few scufuffles by the pool. Firstly I had hoped, that by going to the apartment in June meant there wouldn't be any kids being all annoying and loud like last year, disturbing my bathing experience. Twas not to be, for there were STILL kids there, these ones were from Germany. Now, as all who know me know, I love the German's being German myself. However these ones were annoying. This child kept insisting on going under water in the pool and then coming up and sputtering and spitting for air. Like proper spitting. Actually hacking up and spitting in the pool. Several times a minute. So myself, Louise, Jack and Warren spent much of our time trying to work out how we could approach the parent with this unhappy news so that they might berate the child and prevent it from flobbing in our mutual bath.

"Excuse me, sorry to bother you, but your child is spitting (make spitty noises in case they can't understand English) an awful lot (more spitty noises) and its gross (make puking noises)" Luckily we never had to talk to Mr and Mrs Spitty as they went home. Disgusting.

Anyway now back to business. I'm supposed to be playing Softball over Primrose Hill tonight after work on the side of MTV. We're playing Getty Images who do all photos of famous people. Last week MTV played Facebook and they thrashed us. HAHA. Apparently Getty Images are REALLY great and we don't stand a chance. Specially as we always take a crate of beer with us and are all drunk whilst batting and fielding. Plus we don't have any official uniforms. My friend actually played in her maxi dress last year. I've brought my MTV Talent Escort T-shirt in with me from when I was at the EMA's years ago escorting top magician Dynamo. (LIKE!)

But yeah so the reason I say SUPPOSED to be playing softball, is cos its pissing it down outside and we're STILL playing. No team wants to back down cos otherwise whoever says "we don't wanna play" loses the points. So instead we're going to hot foot it over to Chalk Farm/Primrose Hill, scrabble around in the mud, lose, and then have to come home. I can't even drink cos I'm on Atkins. I might bring a bottle of Gin with me.

In other news on Sky Anytime I have discovered the joy of JERSEY SHORE. It's SOOOO much better than skanky old Geordie Shore. The girls on that look like witches, I know, I've seen them close up. AND there hair is as knotty as it seems on telly.

If you've never seen Jersey Shore, it's about a bunch of American Italians staying in a place called Seaside which I think is near Jersey somewhere. Hang on how comes there's a beach? I thought Jersey was a City? Anyway it's really good with loads of fighting. I know I'm watching this quite late as it's already on series 2, but honestly get involved if you haven't already.

Hmmm not much more to report today, so till next time.

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Wild horses couldn't drag me away...

Ah another beautiful day in Zamunda. (I would imagine). Here in the UK, not so good but at least it's not pissing it down like it has been the last few days! I always find a successful way to open a blog is by describing the weather.

Anyway, on with the info. Allot has been happening over the past few weeks. I fell off the diet wagon with a bump and landed in a big old portion of chips. It was brill. But now it's shortly my hols and I am YET AGAIN destined to be fatting about on the beach and by the pool. Oh well, it's personality that counts.

In other news I was the victim of CRIME in Oxford Street last week. I know, shocking dear reader, but wait until you read what happened. Set your face to stunned.
SO! I was walking along, minding my own business when suddenly I felt a hand on my RIGHT bosom. And the hand belonged to a WOMAN. And I was like, WHAT THE FUCK. I actually exclaimed that and she just went "sorry". Like it was no big deal.

So I was like "SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE FUCK!" and she looked at me all a bit bonkers like. Then whilst I was shouting quite loudly, cause I was so shocked, an equally scabby-ish looking man appeared to my left, a bit too close for comfort. SO I was like "What the fuck are YOU looking at?" Thanks to my naturally street-wise persona I knew he must be an accomplice of sorts. As I kept saying loudly to the woman, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU WERE DOING!? She just kept looking at me all madly.

It was WELL WEIRD. I think they were trying to distract me by groping my bosom. I expect they wanted me to react like this: "Oooh that was nice, I'll just open my bag so you can swipe my purse!" I don't think so somehow.

In all seriousness it did shake me up a bit, but I ruffled my feathers (for I am a BIRD) and strode off to Wasabi where I got DOUBLE sushi as a reward to myself for being a brave soldier.

The other information I have, is that I have just bought a deep fat fryer from Amazon and I'm so excited. It's all James Martin from Saturday Kitchen's fault. He keeps making battered fish and SCRAPS. Tonight we're having steak and chips. DONE IN THE FRYER no less. So excited! Am I boring now? Yes.

I went round to my mate's house for her birthday the other day, it was just a "pop in" affair. So myself and Warren "popped in" only to discover we were in a creche situation. There were babies EVERYWHERE. No offence ladies but it's not my thing. I do like kids (my niece and nephew) but not when there are about 7 or 8 of them in one small room. It's too over whelming, I couldn't concentrate on my large glass of Sauvignon Blanc. I've decided that when I have a sprog I'm going to bear that in mind for my non-babied up friends. :-)

Anyway - might try to write again this week.

HOpe you're well!

Friday, 27 May 2011

If I jump in this fountain, will I be forgiven?

YEAH! The honeymoon is booked and confirmed. We're going to AUSTRALIA! My favourite place in the whole wide world. We're both so excited, in fact where as before I felt a bit non-plussed about the wedding I'm now PROPERLY into it. Time has flown so quickly I know it's gonna be here before I know it.

The other day my good pal Princess Kitty was organising my Hen do, and there was an email flying around saying "Leanne's Hen Do". LEANNE's HEN DO? What, me? Scary, I'm having an actual Hen do. I honestly didn't think I would get to this stage and it all feels a bit like a dream. Not a dream come true, just a dream. Etta James's "At Last" goes through my mind often though 'cause I got me a good man and I'm not taking any of this for granted. Believe me.

Anyway now onto life in general. I got my teeth whitened on Wednesday at the dentist. They used this big old laser and a funny teeth exposure shield thing. I looked most unattractive. It was well uncomfortable and in the process it seems to have burnt off a bit of my gums - Haha! Oh well, they look a ton better which is the main thing.

I watched that AWFUL Chelsea programme the other day. The reality soap thing. I know I'm not on my own here when I say, what a pile of steaming shit that was! They've all got really awful names. One of the women on it is called Cagoule or something. Another one is called something like "Blinky". Fucking hell. What's that all about. It's not even car crash TV, don't bother to watch it if you haven't already.

TOWIE it is not. I love that programme. My boyfriend is always saying "Oh God, not The Only Way is Essex, turn it over" but he doesn't "get" it. He doesn't understand it's just a bit of light entertainment. He thinks everything on TV should MEAN something. Like Deadliest Catch. He's always watching that and I think it's EFFING boring. Once you've seen one, you've seen em all. Who cares that they are catching massive crabs? Who cares that the sea is really cold? Who cares that they have to be awake for like 34 hours? SNORE.
And finally if you haven't seen it already, you have to watch Geordie Shore on MTV. It's so bad, it's good.

I'm going out for a meal tonight with my mates to discuss Hen plans and other stuff. I plan to eat a mixed grill - I love meat! Then Sunday we have people over for dinner. I can't drink any red wine though which is annoying, 'case it seeps into all the microscopic holes in my teethy pegs.

And it's back to the gym for me on MOnday. I caught sight of the back end of me in a Dorothy Perkin's changing room today and it was not a pretty sight. I desperately need a tan, I look all corn beefy. Meh.

And that's that! Have a loverly weekend all.

Tuesday, 24 May 2011

And we don't speak, so we're left in constant silence...and it's haunting me

Good morning! Here are some things that are making me glad at the moment. Firstly, The Apprentice is back. For my avid readers you will know that this equals HAPPINESS for me. So far I have been overjoyed with this quote "Don't tell me the sky's the limit when there are footsteps on the moon." HAHAHAAHAHAHAHA! Brilliant!
I'm preferring the objective they are striving for in this series as well. Alan Sugar gives them 250 grand towards a business. At least then he's not stuck with a wanker employee. Good plan Lord Alan Sugar.

Another factor making me glad currently is the weather, aren't we lucky! It's been great of late and always makes me feel jolly. Does mean however I will have to start to expose my pale lily legs and also shave but its a small sacrifice to make to ensure that passers by aren't scarred by the sight of my legs.

The leg shaving thing came to my attention at Boot Camp a couple of weeks back. I had a strain and my instructor was stretching my leg and he gripped round my leg and it was all stubbly and furry. He must have been able to feel it. I have been shaving since that incident and onwards. I don't see the point when they're not exposed. Well not regularly anyway!

I have actually left Boot Camp now. The reason for this was down to the fact that I couldn't attend a session owing to a severe leg infection and they STILL wanted to charge me ten pounds. Which I thought was outrageous.

I was very ill! Two weeks previous a mozzy or something had bitten my ankle. As usual a bump appeared, and as usual I gave it a good scratching. However, this bite seemed to continue to itch way longer than usual. And then one night I woke up to such extreme itching I felt I wanted to cut my foot off. The next day my ankle had blown up to twice its size with a large RED rash thing that seemed to be spreading up my leg and was boiling hot and throbbing.

I went to the emergency doctor and they said it was infected and if it got any bigger I would have to go to A&E to get put on an intravenous drip! Luckily I caught it in time and antibiotics were sufficient taken orally. And the smelly old Boot Camp wanted to charge me for my absence. How greedy. So I have sacked them off. That'll teach you BOOT CAMP. Now I will go back to being all slovenly and flabby. How do you like that?!! What? Oh.

So yes I realise that I therefore have to keep up some kind of personal fitness plan as I am far too proud to return to Boot Camp now (Damn you PRIDE!) after sending them a very strong worded email stating how unfair I thought the whole thing was.

Luckily I have continued the diet part of my quest for gorgeousness. I have now lost (since the beginning of the year) one stone. YAY. Only two to go. God, it's gonna take ages. And my mates are saying I should have had a dress fitting by now as it takes 10 months to get a dress sorted for a wedding. That is BULLSHIT if you ask me. Why does it take that many months to get a dress? RIDICK!!! And no, I am not going to a Bridal shop to try on WHITE dresses at this size. No way jose'.

In other parts of my quest to get gorgeous, I'm having my teeth whitened tomorrow. I'm told I shall be in excruciating pain but I think it's worth it if I can smile with confidence and people don't think they're having a conversation with Baldrick when talking to me.

Anyway - will write proper soon. Hope you're all well.

Sunday, 24 April 2011

I guess there's just no way of knowing....

Happy Easter one and all. I hope you all got lots of eggs blah blah blah. I don't like chocolate much so not really gonna write much about it. Except, don't you think flake chocolate tastes a bit like its gone off?

So do you remember every film you've watched at the cinema? I don't mean do you remember all of the titles of the films. I mean that if you were watching it on TV you'd remember you'd seen it at the cinema. You don't need to remember the full plot, but that you had seen it at some point before.
Well, I was flicking through an old diary the other day from 1996 and I read this:
"10th June 1996
Last night we went to the cinema and on the way we ran over a cat and it was horrible. ---- found it funny though which really pissed me off. He goes, I spose if it had been a dog I would have been a bit upset, and I go, well I'm a cat lover and I think you should have some consideration for me! He then shut up. when we got to the cinema we watched "Now and Then" which was quite a good film although ---- was the only boy in the whole cinema, ha ha."

So I was like, what is this "Now and Then" film? I have NO recollection of ever having seen it. Then yesterday I was flicking through the Sky movie channels and it was on TCM. So I watched it from the start and I couldn't remember ANY of it. Not one bit rang a bell. And it was appalling. It starred, Christina Ricci, Demi Moore (pre surgery), Rosie O Donnell and Melanie Grffiths (post surgery, obviously). And I can't get over how NONE of it rang any bells. None at all.

Oh well. Did you like my excerpt from my diary? The cat bit was awful. I remember that well, I cried my eyes out. There had been a family cycling along on the path by the road and a cat was trotting along near them. Then the young son knocked the cat on his bike and it spooked the cat so it shot into the road and under our car. It ran off over the fence but I didn't hold out much hope for it. Very sad and still makes me feel bloody awful. Thankfully that's the only time that has ever happened.

"8th June 96
It's ----'s birthday tomorrow, I got him a CD, underwear and a top. If he doesn't like it then tough shit because it took me ages to decide exactly what to buy and in River Island I kept going into a cold sweat when buying the underwear and then this bloke came over and started to ask me if I had a phone number his mate could have. I told him I was going out with someone and he goes, that's what they all say."

Ah thems were the days when I used to get asked out randomly in the street!

Anyway onto other stuff. I still attend Boot Camp every Saturday morning and this week's was particularly difficult owing to the heat. It has emerged that I have no upper body strength so I need to start doing press ups in my free time. Like some kind of MAN. When we got onto the stomach exercises I found this extra painful and ended up just flapping about like a beached whale. Suddenly I glanced up and there was WARREN come to pick me up watching me with a smirk on his face. I was so embarrassed. But luckily my face was already bright red so blushes were spared.

I've got the whole week off this week YAY! I can't wait. I'm going to sort out our bedroom. It's a right mess and I'm sick of telling visitors that we're in the middle of decorating, when really it's just a massive shit hole. I'm also going to spend the week surveying the my building's post boxes. Of late it's been noted that there is THIEF who regularly comes to my block's boxes and has a rifle through and steals our MAIL! I couldn't believe it. Then one of my neighbours hear the letter boxes a'clattering and had a look out of his window at 1am in the morning only to see a BURGLAR going through all our boxes. He seemed to have a key to each one. So my neighbour took photos of this and in one snap, the burglar is IN MY POST BOX! What a fucking cheek! I feel violated. So I'm on a stake out this week. We are campaigning to get the post boxes moved into the building. What an EFFING chore that's turning out to be as well. BORING ALERT!!

Hmmm not much else to report cept I put on 4lbs in fat last week. I'm not taking this wedding dress thing very seriously am I. Oh well.

Til next time.

Monday, 11 April 2011

Something in his heart told him to come clean. He was not who he claimed to be.

Bootcamp Saturday morning was a killer. Friday evening I wisely decided to drink several glasses of white wine in preparation for this gruelling training. By the time 8:30pm came around I was on the merry side so I thought I should go home and not drink anymore. So I headed for the train station but cleverly called Warren to arrange to meet up for another large wine at our local bar. Then I was eating curry and then it was the next day. Stupid wine.

Hell I forced myself to go to bootcamp training anyway. When I arrived, there was only one other girl there but pretty soon another three ladies joined us. The trainers were super fit but also very nice so that was a good thing. They set up three circuit things and we had to do them continuously until they blew their whistles signalling us to change to the next circuit thing. We had to do a million squats too - felt like my thighs and arse were on fire. After the first task I looked around at the group to see if I was wheezing the loudest and thank god I wasn't. One of the girl's there had gone all white and was lying on the floor in the recovery position. She was nearly sick and everything.

I was all pleased with myself up until the stomach exercises where upon I too became thoroughly nauseous. I swallowed it though and carried on. By the time the whole thing was over even the whites of my eyes were red. Not a good look. Warren picked me up and had the cheek to say I looked healthy. I got back to the flat and arranged myself into the recovery position on the sofa for one hour and sipped lemonade.

Then I was all better and it was off to B&Q for some items - I stayed in the car park and got a quarter pounder from the burger van. That night we ate a massive chinese takeaway. Sigh.

So it's with regret that I inform you that I have gained 3lbs in one week. I am SO annoyed with myself. I just dunno what's wrong with me, I just can't stop shoving food in my gob. I mean for example, when I watch Super size V Super skinny I actually salivate over the super sizer's food. It looks lush. Not the quantity necessarily but the FOOD.

Anyway - so I've given myself a good talking to and have gone back to Weight Watchers. I need discipline and can't be trusted to eat large quantities of food as I don't seem to register when I'm full up.
I have also signed up for four more sessions of Boot Camp, I deserve the pain. And believe me I'm in pain. Even the back fat hurts.

Anyway - just a short one today will write proper in the next couple of days.

Monday, 4 April 2011

I got that poison, that poison on my mind.....

ON examining yet more photo's tagged of me on Facebook, I've come to the conclusion that my face is actually rather big. It's quite round. Like the moon. I think the only way I'll have cheek bones is by losing a couple of stone. But now I've started Amanda Hamilton's 28 day detox so I hope this will happen soon and a face shape will emerge from my round bonce.

Today on the eating plan, I've actually eaten seeds like a little birdy. I quite liked them. And raisins I've eaten. Like a little er...birdy also. And! And, shock horror. I've just been to the gym on my lunch break. I did the stepper which makes me sweat like a full on pig. I walked up the equivalent of 53 floors. (Canary Wharf is 50 floors so I was proper wheezing.) It's all worth it though.

Tonight I'm gonna get my boy to take a "before" picture of me to compare and contrast at the end of the 28 day period where upon I will go back onto Weight watchers. I plan to show the before and after pictures to Amanda Hamilton herself so that she might become my new best friend and thus send me to her health spa in Thailand. You have to be in it to win it.

Oh boo I had major insomnia last night. I went to bed at 10pm (making sure to record TOWIE on Sky Plus)and then proceeded to toss and turn for four hours eventually dropping off at 2am. Had to be up at 6am for an early meeting and I'm so not feeling too alive today. But at least I AM alive.....

BECAUSE............. I HAVE STOPPED SMOKING! I AM A NON-SMOKER!! That's right. Allen Carr's easy way method of which I attended a 6 hour seminar about on Saturday, has finally put me straight. I would recommend this whole heartily to any smokers wishing to cease (smoking). Saturday evening me and the boy and another couple we know when to some bars in Brick Lane and all three of them are smokers. They wanted to sit outside so they could smoke and I didn't even care and I was all drunk. Not sure what happened but I am cured and no longer will that poison enter my body. I honestly have no idea why I didn't attend this seminar before. Seriously I recommend it.

So, this week sees me being nice to my poor suffering body and a cookery course on Thursday evening. It's to learn how to make decent Paella. I can't wait. And then Saturday I have this Boot Camp army training thing over at Greenwich park. I'm dreading it, these army blokes are well hard and don't tolerate unfit wheezing women. S'gotta be done though. Only 11 weeks until our holiday and I am NOT bobbing about on a lilo in the sea only to become BEACHED like the whale I have been in past years.

We shall see. I hope you're all brilliant

Tuesday, 29 March 2011

For what it's worth, I like you.

So I watched The Social Network on Sunday evening and I have to say I was highly disappointed. The actor playing Mark Zuckerberg spoke too fast and monotone like in Dawsons Creek. It was too much. Maybe that's how Mark Z really speaks. All fast and annoying. (Like Dawson's Creek). Anyway s'up to you if you wanna watch it but it's a bit boring.

I'd be well up for watching some Dawson's Creek box set action though. I wonder if I can lay my hands on it. I don't spose it will be as interesting as in the good old days. "I don't wanna wait... for our liiiives to be ooover...."

Speaking of Boxsets, I'm attempting to watch The Wire again. Basically the mistake I made was to watch The Wire STRAIGHT after The Soprano's. And of course one has to adapt you see. I was living "Tony's Law". And then moving on to the Wire where the lead in it has a really bad American accent (after later googling him it turns out he is English, as suspected) it wasn't going to work for me. But after a nice long break I'm finally getting into it and accepting new characters and new stupid accents.

I went to The Vitality Day on Saturday at Earls Court (2). It was ace. At first I just bought stuff like a new ring and some fake bake and I didn't feel very motivated. BUT THEN I was sauntering along and I heard a lady speaking on a loud microphone so I went over to investigate. And it turned out this was to be the most important lecture I would hear of the day (and possibly my LIFE!)

Amanda Hamilton was the loud talker and apparently she's off the telly. Anyway she was talking about caring for your innards and why you might have issues with headaches and stuff. And why you might be "good" all day and then at night time its WINE O CLOCK. "All me" I exclaimed inwardly. And then I signed up for the 28 day detox which begins for me on SUNDAY.

The reason it doesn't start until Sunday is because Saturday I have enrolled on an Allen Carr Stop Smoking seminar. If this doesn't work, then nothing will. I'm so bored of smoking now though and feel like a mug so I think my mind is in the right place at least.

After The Vitality Day on Saturday my friends and I decided to take refuge from the attacking of banks and Topshop by going to the pub. I had four pints in total (I deserved them) but then I was all drunk and on the tube back into central London I left my fakebake by my seat on the train only discovering this error as the tube doors were shutting. Luckily there were some nice sisters on board who posted it back through the moving train window. Love it when I get a taste of sisterhood. High five girlfriends.

When I got home me and the boy drank some more wine and then it was the next day. Ahhhh happy days. Anyway, better get on. Hope you're well.

Friday, 25 March 2011

We will meet you where the lights are....

Got a poxy cold haven't I. Have I? Have I! Yes, I have.
Why is there no cure for a cold? It's a common cold FFS, surely someone should have worked out a remedy by now. ANNOYING.

Anyway this week has been fairly productive. I judged the Funniest Student Comedy Central Competition on Monday at the Comedy Store on Leicester Square. I was to be a judge on a panel of three. Myself, Jack Whitehall of Channel 4 fame and this man called Rick from Off The Kerb management. It was to work like X factor so after each act had done their 5 mins we would all comment. It was a bit weird though because Pat Monaghan was late (he was MCing) so Jack Whitehall had to MC at the top. All I've ever seen Jack do are panel shows and to be honest he comes across as rather irritating and slightly up-startish. BUT, in real life and on stage he's really very funny. Maybe that means that Jimmy Carr's nice in real life. I doubt it.

It was a good competition with very high standards but there could only be one winner. Er obviously. And that was that. I don't really like the Comedy Store as a general rule, it reminds me of the days of the dreaded GONG show where audiences are invited to heckle, jeer and boo off stage, scared little rabbit new comics trying to beat the 5 minute gong. The atmosphere at those things makes me shudder to this day.

Then last night I went to watch the Comedy Rush at the Shaftsbury Theatre where there were 60 comedians in 60 minutes, obviously each doing a minute. AND the Chuckle Brothers were there! And lovely Isy Suttie (Dobby) from Peep Show and many more. . Acts that stood out for me were Ricky Grover, Isy Suttie, The Chuckle Brothers, Charlie Baker, Adam Bloom, Rob Deering, Miss Behave, James Redmond (FIN FROM HOLLYOAKS), Frank Sanazai and Rob Rouse to name a few. I would so recommend this if you get a chance to go and see it.

I've started buying the Big Issue. I am now in a trap where I feel obliged to buy it from every seller I see. It's like doing the same lottery numbers each week, I feel awful if I forget to do it one week. And that's how I feel when I walk past a Big Issue seller. The other day I thought I'll just give that old man (he looked like Santa) a tenner and then I can sleep easy. But then I went past another old smiley man also with the Big Issue and I had no money left. I couldn't even look him in the eye. Oh well. Why don't you all buy The Big Issue! It's actually quite a good read. There's a spread in it which contain letters and poems from the homeless but that bits depressing so I just skip it and I recommend you do too.

People I want to punch in their stupid faces at the moment are as follows: Ronnie from Eastenders (obviously just the character, I'm NOT mental). She's a fucking knob and this nicking of the child storyline is pathetic. Give the baby back you HOE. And stop being all weird and all that.
And that's my list so far. The other day I wanted to punch this girl who is one of the most shameless specimens of the female gender I have ever come across. But I've sobered up now so alls well that ends well.

And finally, I'm going to the Vitality day tomorrow in Olympia which I know after two hours I will be like "I wanna go home now" but am also gonna try and sneak into the Ideal Home Show at Earls Court to get a vegetable peeler. Oh me. How exciting.

I hope you're all well, even those few who dislike me. No I don't. I only hope all those that like me are well. All the others who don't can go and eat their own shit.

Much love!

Friday, 11 February 2011

And what am I sposed to say, when I'm all choked up and you're ok?

Again a nice long break between blogs and my excuse for this is down to work! I am so busy at the moment, barely getting a chance to take a lunch break (prob not a bad thing) let alone tap out a world class blog post!
But now I have some time, so here goes...

WELL! Xmas was OK, as was New Year. I went on a health kick for about 18 days (like last year) but fell off the wagon with a bang when I went to my friend's 40th and drank Jagerbombs. They're so nice aren't they! All going down into my tummy so yummily and making me not feel drunk, but brilliant and interesting until I discover myself doing a wee wee in a car park and then I KNOW the Jagerbombs have done their work but in a kind and friendly way! Ah Jagerbombs, you're so LOVELY.

So yes off with a bang I fell but have kept the drinking to a weekend event (mostly) and have relished in the no hangover thing. You should try it, it's a strange feeling to feel well MOST days. The other thing I've stuck to is a the gym (bob). I actually LIKE it a bit now and although I get a beetroot face which strangely remains white around my mouth (that can't be right can it) I think I'm making progress. I've lost another half a stone now so since this time last year I have lost 1 stone 2lbs. I only have 2 stone to go and I will look all perfect and lollipop headed just like that lady off Eastenders. Max's girlfriend. Her head is massive.

Don't worry I'm not getting obsessed but I do feel a lot more on track and it's quite nice not to have flab billowing out of my size 16 jeans.

The Biggest Loser on ITV1 is helping quite a bit but not as much as The Biggest Loser USA on Living is! OMG they're massive and if THEY can do loads of exercise and not die of a heart attack then so can I. That's what goes through my head whenever I go to the gym and I'm getting puffed out. Look at that man that's 23stone he can do this and not die, so you can Leanne! So can you.

In other news I actually did projectile vomiting this week. I thought this only existed on Little Britain and the Witches of Eastwick (have another cherry). But no, I got it Wednesday night and it was a Catherine wheel of mucas. GROSS. I think it was a prawn... Either way it helped with the WW weigh in this week no doubt! So every cloud... Poor Warren didn't like it though, covered his tooth brush and flannel. HAHAHA. He really must love me eh.

So I went to a wedding show last week at the Excel Centre. It was very tacky. It was like the one in Gavin and Stacey. I had to wear a sticker saying BRIDE. I didn't like it so I took it off but people still kept coming up and giving me leaflets. The worst selling pitch was for this Spit Roast machine thing. I just couldn't bring myself to be rude to the salesman so listened and ummed and ahhhhed for about 7 minutes. Very annoying as I shan't get that back. Lots of Bridezillas roaming around whereas I'm more of a BrideZuki. I'm going to another one next friday, the National Wedding show at Olympia. I'm not sure why I booked to go to this now. Oh well.

I watched a programme the other night (the night of projectile vomitus) on Sky Anytime called "Bridal Plasty" or something. And the object of the show was 10 brides to be competing to win all the cosmetic surgery they could physically have and also to win a massive expensive wedding. It was pretty disgusting to be honest, at one point they had to do a jigsaw puzzle which once completed the prize for the game was a syringe which admitted them entry into a "needle Party" which enabled them to INJECT THEIR FACES with botox.. And they were so so happy.... I'm all for some basic assessment of one's body parts and if needed, a nip or tuck here or there should be allowed. But these guys were obsessed freaks. Not good.

Anyway - just a short one today with not much info but I plan to write weekly from now on.

I hope you are all well.