Thursday, 30 July 2009

And damn right, it's better than yours.....

The sunsets of late have been RIDICK. I actually feel happy when looking at them, what's that all about. Just so you know, my view is overlooking south east London. The Gherkin, the er...gherkin ad other buildings. I can see Canary Wharf very well too. But, BUT! The main thing I love is the sun, the clouds and its crazy colours, makes me quite glad to be here make no mistake.

Now, onto other stuff. So I have continued my search on the dating site. I've had lots of emails believe it or not but one was from someone I knew. He wrote DIGGINS! And I was like SHIT!! And he was like, don't worry, I just wanted to say Hi. He told me he was just looking for sex. LIKE 40 % of men on there are doing. I spoke to my friend who is also on there and warned her of this and we've agreed to just have sex with men we don't like. That's what I normally do anyway.

One man said to me "I like face, it pretty."

What a stud. Let's get married.

I had a dream last night that I'd arranged a wedding with a guy and all my friends were there for this "marriage". And it was on the news as a marriage of convenience. He started out as being aright FUGLY and then I woke up, because my nephew was jabbering away in his cot....

THEN I went back to sleep and unusually went back into my dream and the man turned into a fit Irish man. Then it was on the news and we were walking up the aisle to me singing "Not Fair" by Lily Allen, badly. When the wedding was over I remember thinking "I don't even know my husband's phone number". I think its a taste of things to come.

I went to my sister's this weekend and we had a good time. I went there on the National Express and had a nice old lady sitting next to me who helped me STAB open my new earphones with her nail file.

My sis and I laughed alot as I told her of my recent nobbish-ness, ie: waking up and wondering where I was. We likened it to the time I had rudes with this guy who looked like "Pen" out of "Pen and Tellar"....At the time I swore you should never judge a book by its cover. BLOODY HELL. Ive got issues. He was U.G.L.Y

Any hoo till next time.

Monday, 27 July 2009

Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first, sometimes the first thing you want never comes and I know that waiting is all you can do, sometimes.

YAY I'm back online in the comfort of my own home. My good friend Lee was kind enough to take me to PC WORLD! (You have to say PC World like the advert "PC WORLD!" or it doesn't count). Anyway he took me there on friday and both him and I are technophobes but luckily a geek helped me with my purchase. I got one of those DONGLE things. Its a stick which goes in my computer and it magics the Internet alive. It's great. Anyway no more having to listen to that yucky man in the Internet cafe hacking up oil and other debris from his lungs. Speaking of lungs I've half given up smoking. I've decided I've got to go on an Alan Carr workshop thing, the book just doesn't cut it for me so I'm going to book the course post haste. I've got one of those plastic thingys you suck and it tastes of nicotine. YUM. (It's disgusting.)

In other news, I've decided to give Internet dating another whirl because one of my mates is as well and I'm a sucker for peer pressure ("Go on Leanne, jump off this cliff, we all have!") It's so far very depressing. The men are average and LOVE THEMSELVES. One said "If I contact you, count yourself as lucky because I'm very fussy." SIGH! Bloody hell Barbara what a turn on. Oooh oooh! Please contact me, and then I too shall be lucky. I know I need to be acting like I'm more up for it but quite frankly I'm just a bit bored.

Despite the above I'm feeling pretty positive. Just booked to go to Edinburgh for a couple of nights. Lovely Caroline Mabey says I can share her bed which is ace and so I have already began to create my "must see" list. Huzzah. I've been going to Edinburgh every year since 2005. Every year I've gigged and this year DEFINITELY I will not. I hope there's the usual debauchery to witness....I'm pretty sure there will be. Talking of comedy and debauchery, the next Catface is booked for the 19th AUGUST and the acts are AMAZING. Barry Castagnola, Steve Williams (swoon) Jane Bostock, Christina Martin and a SPECIAL from Amphlett and Candy so get involved. You can book by going to the Catface Comedy facebook group.

I've much to look forward to and despite being caught up in this crunchy credit problem I find myself more busy without having a full time job. My days are filled with trips to the cinema, facials, manicures and pedicures and general socialising. I would recommend. (You just have to try not to worry about being homeless. Shimples!)

One thing I am EXCEPTIONALLY excited about is, I'm going to see A-Ha at the o2 in November. I can't wait. I booked my ticket (yes TICKET, not TICKETS) the other day. I thought long and hard as to whether to rope a mate into coming with me and I thought, ya know what? This is my dream, I don't want a mate with me who only knows two songs coming along to my dream concert, digging their heels in, when I have much staring at Morton to be doing. So I'm going on my own. I did a feature about this on my radio show on Sunday. There's a stigma attached to doing this sorta thing alone and I want to break it. I often go to restaurants (for lunch) on my own, and the waiter always looks dumbfounded when I say "table for one please." Yes you heard, ONE. And? So what? I went to see "The Hangover" on my own at the cinema on Tuesday last week it was ace. This me time thing, it's good. You should try it, it feels nice. Don't get me wrong I love seeing my friends but I'm ALWAYS out with someone so its nice to be in a social situation alone and if I'm honest a bit of a challenge at times. Try it, you might like it. (Leanne Diggins, so misunderstand) I LOVE IT.

Anyway, I downloaded this song the other day called "Don't Trust Me" by 3oh!3 and I liked the chorus that's why I got it. THEN, when I listened to it properly, there's a line in it that goes "Shush Girl, shut your lips, do the Helen Keller and use your hips". What?! Helen Keller reference? WTF? Next there'll be a song about Christy Brown... Let's get some Joey Deacon action in while we're at it.

What else? Oh yeah, on Friday me and my friend went out in Greenwich and I got DRUNK. It was fun. Then on Saturday, another mate and I went out in Blackheath and all the girls were well pretty. DOH. I have to up my game. I can't compete with these youngsters. There was this group of females on a hen night and they were dressed as the Pink Ladies and they actually looked AMAZING. They had wet look leggings on and I felt like a frump. So we remedied that by coming back to my house for a disco. Good old Ghostbusters. I ain't afraid of no goat, we sang. *sigh*

I'm off to Bournemouth to see my sister tomorrow and Neff. Can't wait. Next week its some Majorca action which should help my flailing tan regain its orangey glow. Happy days.

Anyway that's it for now, I hope you're all good. I've been checking the statistics on here and I'm pleased to see my readership is on the rise so thank you and please, pass this onto anyone else who might be bored.

Till next time.

Monday, 20 July 2009

I don't have alot of money but we'll be fine.

So, I'm in an Internet cafe and the man that runs it is hacking up phlegm every five minutes. Disgusting. I haven't even got any music with me to drown out the noise, so will keep this blog brief.

Catface Comedy last week was bloody great. My mum and dad came and this made me exceptionally nervous but they seemed to enjoy it. (Especially when Johnny Candon decided to single them out and ask them lots of questions during his set). Thank you to Paul Foot, Josie Long, Johnny Candon, the Catface Comedy Erotic dancers and of course Louisa. Great show, great team. The next show is booked for the 19th August, Barry Castagnola is headlining. YAY! I'm still booking a couple of my other acts, but Christina Martin and Jane Bostock are on this line up as well.

On thursday night I went to this quiz night thing hosted by a company called GOLD. Tim Vine was the quiz master and Chortle were invited along to join in and I was on their team. The team consisted of Steve Bennett and 5 females, we had a great laugh - I actually did rather well, up until I became too drunk to speak - so that's good isn't it. I wowed the Chortle team with my knowledge of British seaside towns and also where Muriel (from Muriel's wedding) is from (Porpoise Spit). We came sixth but we beat The Times, and the Radio Times as well so we were happy. Or were we just drunk? I think probably just very, very drunk.

The next day I came to on my sofa with confusing thoughts (how did I get here? etc) but had to dash these from my mind, as I had a day booked in the studio to do a voice over showreel edit. I managed to battle through the hangover as we whittled 57 minutes of voice over and radio footage down to a neat 5 minutes. I got the masters for this today and intend to carpet bomb every voice-over agency and radio station in the entire world.

I was supposed to go to Madrid tomorrow but I've just come to book the flights and they're either non existent or ridiculously expensive. The thing is, I've got my euros and I want to go SOMEWHERE but where? The world's my oyster but its not really, is it. How about the Isle of Wight? I love it there.

Anyway - better do some more flight search-age.

Till next time - hope you're all good.

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

I'm only asking but ........I think you know. Come on, take me away.

WOWEE ZOWEE! I haven't written long time eh?

Soooooo I went to Ibiza and it ruled as usual. I love love love that island. The apartment I'm buying when I make my fortune still stands on the hillside and I spent much of my time gazing up at it from the comfort of my lilo in the sea. My friend Louisa shared my lust for the waves and many a time we took our place side by side on the neon pink lilo, putting the world to rights until the waves lovingly took us into shore where we became beached like two beautiful whales.

The weather was ace - almost too hot infact and my sweaty face didn't like it much nor did my makeup which slid off at every opportunity on a night out. I met some lovely lads out there which is unusual because on other holidays to the same destination we are restricted to the "Animation team" as being the only laddage around. This is slim pickings for people in the know.

I think because there were five of us (granted three were in relationships) this created a more agreeable pull for the lads. Not that this was the only reason we went out there, oh no. The main reason was for relaxation but of course any male attention is a bonus.

Unfortunately I don't have ANY chatting up skills and upon meeting one particular lad in San Miguel, I demonstrated this tenfold. Poor man. When we walked into the Irish Bar where this man worked, I saw him playing the violin on stage and I said to myself "be still my foolish heart, for I think I am in love". And the man looked up and I met his eye and he waved. After his set he came up to me and introduced himself as Rory. This man, this.....MAN, was THE most handsome man I've seen all year. Of course this showed in my face as the evil beads of sweat began to emerge at a great speed. Anyway, this first conversation went ok and we chatted for a while. As time went on throughout the night, obviously the beer flowed and I became less and less cool. When we next spoke I rambled on to him lots, ending up somehow showing him how to do the "robot". Even though I can't really do it myself. Rory obliged (ah I love the Irish) but inside I felt ridiculous. GOD.

I stayed out at this bar until around 6am, it was a brilliant night. Highlights for me include one point when a big group of us, male and female were chatting at the bar and all of a sudden Michael Jackson's classic "Bad" came on and without a word, all us 30-40 somethings moon-walked onto the dance floor, randomly shouting "OW". Ah beer you make us silly. Happy days.

The next day I was very very rough indeed but spent it sunbathing and eating which helped a great deal. During the week we did several bouts of Karaoke. Our favourite I think being "Gypsys Tramps and Theives" by Cher. At one particular evening in Santa Eulalia I met another nice guy who ran the karaoke. I think I wowed him with my rendition of "With or without you" by U2 where upon I spent alot of the track doing floor dancing.

My mate's and I were chatting about when we went to Aiya Napa one year and my pal Louisa met this bloke and had a full on holiday romance but he was from up North. She reminded me that when we got back from this holiday, one night when I was down the pub I rang her mobile and left her a voicemail which consisted of me singing along to The Divine Comedy's "National Express" classic and then I hung up. Indicating I suppose, that she'd be spending much time on board these coaches if she wanted to maintain the relationship. ARF! How rude of me, oh well, I was drunk is all I can say...

On returning from Ibiza I was happily met with no water in my flat or anyone else's in the whole apartment block. When I called the woman who deals with these situations, she said they were sending out bottled water 1 litre per household. I had visions of them air dropping these to us and I tried to make it clear that I'd done a massive wee wee in my toilet and this of course could not be flushed and 1 litre of water wouldn't cut it........... but to no avail. In the end I had to escape to my mum and dad's to have a nice cup of tea until the whole thing blew over.

Anyway - this is not all that's been happening but I have to go and get ready, for tonight it's Catface Comedy which has SOLD OUT and I have much to prepare.

I hope this blog finds you well and I'll try to write again tomorrow or Friday.

Till then.