Wednesday, 9 December 2009

And through a fractal on a breaking wall, I see you my friend.... and touch your face again.

SO! I can't believe how quickly this year's gone, or that it's Christmas already. I'm sure I'm not the first person to say that but at least I didn't say Crimbo. (As I've previously mentioned in other blogs around this time of year I HATE people who say Crimbo. UGH. I just got a watery mouth.)

Talking of watery mouths I was sick all day on Saturday. It was rotten and my boyfriend came over from work just in time to witness me retching down the loo. NOICE. He still seems to love me but any air of mystique I once possessed has now disappeared.

We've been having fun lately, doing couple things but I have to say that when I was single and used to see couples together I would think, SMUG bastards. I thought that once I joined in with these couples myself, I'd find out that they weren't smug, but merely happy and in love. BUT, It turns out that some couples are smug! They aren't really happy, its all a sham to make singles feel like shit. Don't believe the hype. One couple I take great delight in hanging with and who aren't smug are Jack and Louise. They're a fun couple. The other day me and my boy went round there for some dinner and afterwards instead of sitting around putting the world to rights we moved the table out of the way and had a disco. Happy days. HI JACK! He loves this blog, he's my biggest fan aren't you Jack. Yeah so anyway as far as me and the boy go though all is very well. The only problems we've experienced since embarking on this ride of love is nasty females who have been GOSSIPING about us because their lives are too boring for them to partake in. After much discussion we have decided that this is amusing.

Now then, onto other news. I'm still having issues with benefits, honestly I despair. I hate watching Jeremy Kyle now because instead of making me feel better it makes me feel worse. Those SMUG guests all on benefit, all getting their ya I still haven't had a penny. The other day when I went to sign on they made me wait outside because I was early and to my right were these two severe chavvy girls listening to their mobile music and to my left was a scruffy alcoholic, drinking (actual) Super Tennants. I looked up to the sky and said to myself "Is this all there is...." (apparently so.)

OMG we went to see Paranormal Activity the other day. For those of you who don't know what this is, it's a film. A scary scary film. You have got to go and see it if you haven't already, it's not gory it's just proper shit you up stuff. I will not be sleeping with my foot out of the bed from now on. Go see.

So unlike previous December's I'm not going out getting mashed for Christmas cheer, owing to having no money. Gone are the days where I would roll around on the floor with a kebab in hand, gone are the days when I get chucked out of Charing Cross, gone are the days when the police were called because I was pissing in Price Water Cooper's (or whatever they were called) grounds. HAPPY, HAPPY DAYS.

I'm hardly drinking much at all these days, although I was pretty mashed at ten pin bowling on friday. I actually did that (comical) accidental throwing of the ball behind me when I went up to bowl. I also set off the alarm in the alley by trying to leave via the fire exit. Great days. I was in bed by 9:15pm. Also last night I went out for my mate Karen's 30th and we ended up in McDonalds troughing the entire contents of the place. My mate actually had, 1 beefburger, 2 cheeseburgers, nuggats, cheese nuggats and chips. Although she informed me that she shared the chicken with fellow commuters on the train home. Good old fast food. I remember waking up a couple of years ago with a complaints form in my handbag from when I'd been drunkenly outraged the night before because Burger King didn't have any burgers left, only whoppas. God how embarrassing, I actually kicked off in Burger King, Euston. Over a burger. What a jabba.

Right I'm starving, I'm off to fill my face.

Until next time.

Thursday, 19 November 2009

One journey for you but it's worth it, one life here with me and it's magic....

And again, I'm sorry. I see people are still regularly visiting me' blog so felt I should write. I really have no idea why I've been so slack as it's not like I'm rushed off my feet or anything.

Well, all's good with me. Except still jobless and have now signed on. WELL! That was a task and a half. The forms are LOOOOONG. It makes me wonder how Jeremy Kyle guests manage it. The hoops I've jumped through have been many. I wonder if the Jeremy Kyle contestants just get someone else to do their forms for them? Either way, I've done it. The term 'sign on' is something I've often wondered the meaning of. Do you SIGN ON something? No. You don't, you have to just go and get questioned. I didn't even know what I was entitled to and I called up their head office in Northern Ireland and stated my situation. The irish lady I spoke to asked why I hadn't applied? And I said I didn't know. And she said "Well, you can't very well live on fresh air can ye?" And I thought, well actually you can because fresh air has oxygen in it and that's how us human-beings stay alive but I didn't want to split hairs.

In other news I've been hanging out with my boy and watching copius amounts of reality TV. X Factor (or as I hilariously call it SEX factor...oh har har har), Strictly Come Dancing and of course I'm A Celebrity (erm...) get me out of here. I was as shocked as the rest of the bored people in this kingdom that Katie Price has re-enterered the jungle. However having studied her behaviour it is clear to me that she is being very submissive and planning to win back her fans after the Team Andre/Price debacle. I suppose it doesn't take alot to work that one out. In her DEAD voice she explained that "The fairytale is over and I want closure". But really Jordan, REALLY, you're just sick of being hated aren't you. Which is fair enough, no one wants to be hated. But could you do it in a LESS obvious way? Have some dignity maybe. I love that word, dignity. I've noticed that on Katie's face there's this weird RIDGE that juts out above her top lip. Looks like a beak.

Other than that I've joined the gym again because I have lost all endorphine activity to my brain. THe gym's in Lewisham and there are many beef cakes there who intimidate me with their veiny muscly arms. I've taken to bringing my head phones and becoming engrossed in This Morning to distract me. The gym's good as it gets me off Facebook. I've become rather addicted so have now not updated my status for a whole week. Shocking.

Everything's cool with me and the boy and we have muchly plans for the future. They mainly centre around me getting a job but details, details. He's a good man and puts up with my cat noises which would be a deal breaker if he didn't.

Hmmmm how long till its time for the Apprentice to come back? :-(

Until next time...

Saturday, 17 October 2009

And it was New York, New York and she took his heart away... oh my.... And it was New York, New York, she's poisoned his sweet mind.

Oh God I have to keep starting these blogs with a sorry. SORRY! I haven't written for ages which is strange because I have ridiculous time on my hands just not the inclination to write. Until now.

Now. Let me see.... What have I been doing? Well first up, I got an iphone. I know! I'm down with the kids totally. I'd originally decided against getting one because its a touch screen thing and I was worried my sausagey fingers may have trouble mashing the right buttons. But its easy peasy lemon squeezy! Get one they rule. The other day I was driving along to an unknown destination and my iphone was being all TOM TOM like. It was ace. A little blue light flashed as to where I was and I found my way. And now I'm listening to some new songs just downloaded from Itunes. They are The Temper Trap, Muse, Mr Hudson - White Lies and Paloma Faith. YAY. Get involved.

I went to the TMF Awards in Belgium the other weekend and it was ace. As mentioned before I did the voice over for this and so had been invited along to join in the partying. Me and boy had an excellent time and the voice overs sounded cool. Here is a clip - (Lasgo and INtro) I did the intro you might need to use head phones to get the full effect and its on for the first 20 seconds I believe.

The next day I felt very very rough indeed. All the way home I had a really dodgy tummy so my pretense to my boyf that I never poo, went straight out the window. I think I did quite well up to then. I kept it up for like two months and he never suspected a thing! I'm never going to be one of those girls who pretend they don't fart or burp, its just not gonna happen. Don't get me wrong, I'm not one of those girls who cock their leg at random and chant "Listen to this, its too good to miss, da da da da da DA!" RASP! But ya know, I'm human.

I had an interview a couple of weeks ago which seemed to go quite well, so much so that I got a second interview and out of 90 applicants I was down to the last three. For this "interview" I was asked to formulate two Power Point Presentations and complete a work ethic report thing. Now, although I'm familiar with Power point and can do basic presentations I hadn't used it for years so this worried me greatly. I spent AGES on it and got some invaluable help from friends (Holly you get a massive thanks!) and I was pretty pleased with the end results. On the day I was crapping it. It was a panel interview and the main guy interviewing me, as soon as I sat down seemed to emulate a vibe that he thought I was just a silly girl. This threw me, so I started to act like an erm... silly girl. During the presentation I actually got the giggles because it was sooooo over.

I felt like I did when I first attempted to do my driving test. I failed 5 minutes in, but still had to drive around like an utter DICK for 25 more minutes. Also the report thing I did was a bit like a personality test. When I was half way through the HOUR long questions, I started to wonder if in fact this was some kind of scientology situation. I mean, this company are based in Goodge street JUST round the corner from The Scientologist's "shop". The company were run by the Government tooo... Very strange. Needless to say I didn't get the job. Shock horror. I wouldn't have employed someone who kept laughing throughout the interview either so furry muff.

Right what else? Oh yeah there were more deletions on Face Book. I was forced to delete someone I actually care a great deal about.... What a shame, I'm genuinely very disappointed. That's the thing about FB it really puts in your face who you are or aren't friends with. Also people don't have to give you any reasons, instead can just treat you like cyber shit from afar and you're none the wiser. Ah well, nevermind. I wanted to mention it though.

My iphone on the other hand, is BEST friends with Facebook and I can upload pictures from my phone with a touch of a button (screen) its GREAT.

In other news me and the man are getting on great! He met my Ma and Pa the other day and everyone seemed to get on which is very good indeed. Its always highly embarrassing on the first meet but I was pleased to say things were relatively relaxed. He's so manly! He's put up shelves and made me shoe racks and everything! Its probably quite a change for him to go out with me as I'm quite laddish at times. The other day we were eating fajitas and I hadn't had them before and he was showing me the best way to load them up. He goes "they're very filling, most girls can only eat two." And I'm like WTF? Two? Fuck off and hand me four. haha. haha he'll soon learn that I can pack it in baby.

Oh yes! I'm back on SW1 radio tomorrow so if you are up at 10am please log on to I could do with the company....

I watched the footage the other day of that woman in Melbourne who's baby fell on the train tracks. Oh God, how disturbing was that! Bloody 'ell Barbara what a nightmare and an absolute miracle that the babba was ok. I'm not going to post it up cause it disturbs one, but check it out at the BBC website.

And finally, it's Catface Comedy again this Wednesday and its going to be ACE. Tickets are two thirds sold so if you are planning on coming get in quick. and go to events.

Until next time...

Friday, 25 September 2009

Her friends are so know how bad girls get.

I've not written in ages, I suppose like a diary there doesn't seem to be much point when one is feeling relatively jolly. Besides, it would be a pretty boring entry saying, "Dear diary, every things peachy keen". But, it's not really. The job thing is getting pretty silly now but I just got a call for an interview for next week for a job I really really want so we shall see eh?

In other news as you can probably guess every thing's going pretty cool with the boy. Of course we've had a couple of very minor issues which seem to involve exes and men and women (on both sides) but where we're both old we are a little more realistic in our discussions and thus have overcome these. I remember as a young puppy I used to fly into jealous rages over exes and other women not thinking for a minute that I may seem a complete and utter psycho. But as age has weathered me these rages remain at a bare minimum. A wise lady once told me "If you clip their wings, they will fly". And this is true. So smile sweetly and say don't worry and you will always win. Unless they're cheating and then FUCK THEM UP GOOD.

Right! I have been overdosing on Jeremy Kyle lately and it's not making me feel any better. Especially as I've watched so many now that I'm onto episodes where they don't have any actual guests and they're looking at past episodes and how they do the DNA tests. Imagine if you went to the Jeremy Kyle show to watch a good old argue and all you get when you arrive is a REVISIT show. GOD. How disappointing. However lets face it, the whole thing is really. Oh Jeremy Kyle you and your shouty mouth. And then it's time for Ricky Lake, Sally Jessy Raphael and Judge Judy. Life doesn't get much better than this.

Something else I've been watching is "What Katy did next". Like most, I am well over the Team Andre/Team Price debacle but this is good telly. The other day her veneer fell out on the way to a book signing and she got drunk at her friend's wedding and made a right knob of herself. Reality TV gold people. Sigh...

I watched Marley and Me last night with my boy and he had assured me I would like it and would cry. But the thing with me is, I hate films where they make you like the dog or robot (Johnny 5 is alive) and then the dog or robot dies. BUT, that Marley dog was REALLY irritating. I didn't like him one bit and was kinda glad when he died. Not really but I didn't cry and my boyfriend annoyingly kept looking at me when there was a sad bit. So I then felt really bad as my eyes were bone dry so I did a few sniffles for effect, again prompting him to whip his head round to look at me. So in the end I just went, "What? I'm not gonna cry." And then the film just ended and I thought "what was the point of that?" I mean, how did it do so well. Here's a good idea for a film, its about a dog and a perfect family. What a classic.

It was my birthday this week on wednesday and I turned 31. That day, I did lots of job search to keep myself occupied and was immediately reminded of my age change when I had to tick categories on some of the job applications because it seems, I'm now in the 31-35 category. This displeased me greatly.

Ha Jeremy Kyle just shouted at a guest "Well if you KNEW you could get someone pregnant why didn't you put something on the end of it!" And now I have Beyonce's "If you like her then why don't you put a ring on it" classic in my head, but using Jeremy's lyrics. I hope it goes soon.
Oh god now he's just said "Make sure you DO put something on the end of it!"

Tonight I have my birthday drinks which I'm greatly looking forward to and then I have a good friend's wedding to go to tomorrow so it should be a jolly weekend. Sorry this blog is patchy, I'll get back on it next week.

Till next time.

Monday, 7 September 2009

You say you've got to go home. Well at least there's someone there that you can talk to.....And you never have to face up to the night on your own.

Oh God this is relentless. Where are all the jobs? Stop saying, WE'RE in a recession, you're not and I bloody am. Oh well. I got a day's temping yesterday in Halstead which has a population of like ONE. It was a good day however and I got right into the swing of things. My boy's housemate has his own business and he needed someone to come in and progress the orders. Which means ringing people up and saying, "erm where's our order?? You promised you'd send it and you LIED. Where is it? I feel so violated." Well, not like that, but a bit like that. And I had to do answering of the phones too. Reminded me of TV Travel shop. "Good afternoon, TV Travel shop how can I help you?" Or as we hilariously liked to drop in... "How can I hump you?" Oh happy days. etc. (Obviously I didn't say that yesterday.) Just as well they weren't flying Airlingus.... "Yes Mrs Jones you'll be flying (cunni)LINGUS." What? I said Airlingus.... what did you think I said?" Oh we were tinkers in our hay day. What does hay day mean? I mean,where does it come from? My hay day. When I was made entirely out of HAY. Yes those were the days.

Last week I went to to MTV Belgium to record the voiceover for the TMF Awards. The day started off very silly. I woke up at 4:30am on my sofa fully clothed and had to get straight in the shower and off to the station. EVERYTHING was delayed, trains, the computer governed DLR and the tube. I arrived 5 minutes before the train was due to depart and as the eurostar is like an aeroplane that travels on land and under the sea I was too late. I then had to sit around for an hour and a half waiting for the next one.

When I finally boarded it, none other than BO JO (Boris Johnson) was on board too. When we arrived in Brussels the PAPs were out in force to greet BO JO and co. I had to get on another train to a distant town and I missed that so more waiting around. Luckily when I did get on the train there was a very sweet tiny puppy on board to keep me company. When I got to Belgium my ex colleagues Hanna and Petra were waiting for me. Lovely girls. Anyway we pretty much got straight down to the Voiceover. One of the descriptions of the script was to say the text in a "Bombastic" way. I tried my best to be like Shaggy but to no avail. It went remarkably well and we completed it in record time. I managed to get back for around 10:30pm and my boyf came over. He'd bought me this big plant/flower thing. And I didn't realise but it was a massive Orchid which requires love and attention. I will do my very very best.

At the weekend I was back on SW1 radio, so please make sure you listen this sunday 10am - 12pm. is the website to log onto and click LISTEN LIVE. And I will play you a songy! After this I met up with the boy and we went to a "Heavy Horse Show" in Shoreham, Kent. There were indeed very heavy horses there, possibly weighing about 100 stone each. Who knows? I was disappointed that their weights weren't disclosed. Also there was TOMBOLA and a birds of prey exhibition, and a smash the plates thing and everything. It was was not unlike a real life Vicar of Dibly. Strange but much fun.

This week's flown by and next week I really have to knuckle down as the teachers say. But oh I'm having so much fun being out of work. In two weeks its my birthday and I shall be 31 years of age. What about when people say "I'm 31 years YOUNG!" Oh hooo har har har! So very amusing. Yes anyway so I'll be 31. The year's flown by and I just called my mum up to check what day I'll be seeing her in my birthday week. I was going to let her know that on my actual birthday the boy's taking me out and on the friday I have a big knees up of birthday drinks. She goes, oh that's good as I'm out on your actual birthday but I presumed you wouldn't wanna see us that day anyway. I was like "Why did you presume that?" and she goes "Well you never see us on your birthday do you." Erm except LAST year mum. She was like" Yeah but last year was a bit of a funny one." "Do you mean because I was 30 mum?" And she goes "Well no, it was cause you were all on your own weren't you" ERM NO. I wasn't. I just didn't have a boyfriend.... like most year's. hahah. She makes me laugh. So yes, I'm very much looking forward to that. YAY 31. PRESSURE.
"What have you done with your life Leanne?"
"Alot thanks, inner monologue. "
"Oh, OK then, as you were."

Until next time.

Tuesday, 1 September 2009

And God got me sewn.

So a bit of a whirlwind this last few days. I still don't have a job which is a BUMMER severely, however other good stuff's been happening of which I shall enlighten you in due course.

Work wise I've been asked to do the voiceover for the TMF Awards again. I did it last year and it was wicked. Mental infact. So tomorrow I'm Eurostar bound for Belgium to get recording in the VO booth. I'm the voice that booms over the stadium "Best new act international.... And the nominees are.... Jonas Brothers!" etc. Really looking forward to it and its a complete honour to be asked back. YEAH.

In other news, it turns out that I've met this man. This man, is infact THE man. Or so it would seem. Sorry lads but I'm now officially listed as "In a relationship" on FB (hahaha). He's wonderful, tickage of boxage is the deal here so life is sweet. And the mental thing is, it appears the feeling is mutual.
On a serious note, for me this is great news. After a turbulent time with men (where they haven't been especially nice to me, bordering on down right horrid) where infact I can honestly say I had lost my way, this one seems the opposite. It's a wonderful feeling and something I've been waiting for, for a long time. Ahhhhh...

Anyway, so this weekend I went to Dublin for the weekend with my mate Katy. It was WICKED. We did not stop laughing from start to finish. I met up with my mate Rob who I met in Australia last year. We spent a night in Sydney getting thrown out of pubs and casino's for around 12 hours. Happy days. To this day neither of us can confirm why this happened but it could well have been because of the alcohol we consumed. Dublin was very very expensive like double London prices but most were friendly. Other than the women. HA! The evils we got were very amusing. We could take the barging us out of the way for most of the night but after a while our London patience was wearing thin. We saw a band called "The Joshua Tree" which was obviously a tribute band to U2. Bono pulled me up on stage and I swayed around with him for a while like a dick head groupie. The girls didn't like that one. HAHA. Stupid knobs.

Rob took us to this wine bar which was in a seedy downstairs basement. It was so 80's. But it wasn't supposed to be 80's I don't think. It wasn't like Reflex night club or anything like that, it was actually like something out of "The Young Doctors" or it could have belonged to Wilmot Brown of Eastenders fame. Anyway this bloke came up to me and started to chat me up and when I saw it going in that direction I proudly exclamed that "I have a boyfriend". To which he said "Ok, just give me a little kiss." And gestured to his cheek. So I thought "you cheeky fucker". And went to him totally deadpan "Soz, can't. I've got a rash". (I was trying to think of impetigo but instead settled for simply "A rash") SMOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTH. Still, it worked. He looked startled for a moment and then set his face to cool and sloped off.

We watched X Factor saturday for a couple of hours before going out on Saturday (Rock and Roll) and I loved loved loved the girl band "The Stunners" HAAHAAAA. Sorry but one was cross eyed. SURELY someone kind could have given them a gentle nudge "Mate, your eyes stare off in different directions" but no. That Danyl from last week was SUPER COOL. Total natural charisma WIN DANYL WIN!!!

Anyway, I'll leave you with some Dublin photos of us in the Wilmot Brown bar. Until next time.

Friday, 21 August 2009

And they covered up the sun until the birds had flown away....And the fishes in the sea had gone to sleep.

My friend and I were just chatting about people that say things to you, which are about as subtle as a sledge hammer blow to the head. So for example, I remember the time I fancied this guy and I wanted to find out if he was single. One of my "mates" said she would find out.

Her "Bad news, yeah he's got a girlfriend"
Me "Oh really? Boo that sucks. Oh well NEXT!".
Her "Yeah, he's got a"
Me "Yep, you said. It sucks but that's life."
Her "Yeah..... I think you should know, she's well pretty. Like REALLY pretty. So..."
Me "Oh right, well thanks for letting me know."
Her "Yeah I mean, like REALLY pretty Leanne..."

YES OK I GET THE PICTURE! PRETTIER THAN ME YOU MEAN. But it did make me laugh alot.

I had an incident like this today. I went for a job interview a few weeks back and hadn't heard anything so presumed I hadn't got it. Which, I hadn't. But the lady who took me for my interview called me today and she was really nice and all with telling me the reason why I hadn't got it. And I said "Ah nevermind...thanks anyway." So she goes "Yeah it really was down to that, it was a tough decision, but the other candidate was er.....she was er.... Better." HAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAA

Reminded me again of the time I asked this guy out I liked (I've mentioned it here before.. but I shall repeat cause it makes me laugh)

Me "So you fancy a drink sometime?"
Him " erm....."
Me "Its ok, you can say no...."
Him "No, then."


I've had a really productive day. Starting out at an agency in Leicester Sq which went ok. Then onto meet my mate for a spot of lunch, then shopping for a wedding outfit for sunday. And for some reason it was relatively easy. Although the girl that served me for my shoes had a stammer and I didn't realise and finished her sentences for her three times before it came to light. Oh well, I was only being helpful.

Oh! I forgot to mention Catface Comedy! It was good, although I set the room up for a smaller audience and we got loads of walk ins so everyone was a bit higgledy piggledy. Thanks to all the acts that came down and to the audience (even the pervy one) and Barry Castagnola headliner stormed it. When he went to get off people were shouting COME BACK! Ah that makes me happy.

Tonight I'm going out in Canary Wharf with my girlfriends. We were supposed to be doing this dating night thing where each girl brings a guy they know who's single and then sets him loose to meet his future wife (Well thats my understanding of it anyway) We did something like this a few years ago for the documentary I did. That part of the film wound up on the cutting room floor. We called it "Date a mate, I'll bring the bait." which I happen to think is a great name.

Right come on TESCO DELIVERY! I'm waiting! Wow that was like a status update.

Have a lovely weekend.

Tuesday, 18 August 2009

We go where the wild blood flows and on our bodies we share the same scars....

Ah a bit of sunshine today although I've not been outside, I just did looking through my big windows. No, instead I've spent most of the morning making friends with recruitment agencies and applying for jobs. My job search is at a very exciting stage..... not exciting, depressing.

Anyway, enough about that. Now, where did we get up to? Oh yes, Edinburgh. So the day I last blogged I was feeling rough. We were going out that night for Michael's birthday to Brookes Bar which for those of you not in the know, is a members only bar in the Pleasance Dome. It's not my favourite bar if I'm honest, it reminds me of Butlins... 'cept some of the people are more head fucky in Brooke's than actual Redcoats themselves.

Anyway before we went out, Johnny and I got caught up with Big Brother (even though I never watch it usually) and then accidentally carried on watching the classic Jean Claude Van Dam film "Kick Boxer". It was GREAT. And SHIT. Before we knew it half the film had flown by and Johnny and I were chanting "Montage! Montage! Show us the montage of Jean getting fit!" And then it was nearly half eleven (I know! That's past my bedtime ) and we headed out to Brookes. We passed lots of drunk youths on the way and I hadn't had anything to drink at all so felt a little intimidated. But Johnny who'd necked the best part of a bottle of red with his two steaks, marched straight through them (not actually through them, he's not magic) all hard like. It was ace. Then we got to the bar and I saw some of the people I'd made a dick of myself in front of the night before and did my best to seem normal. It may or may not have worked but hey ho, the world keeps turning and that's how I cope.

It was a really nice night, I caught up with lots of cool people who I only ever see in Edinburgh usually and it was nice. We left at a respectable 3:30am and shortly after Michael came back to the flat. He told me of his incident in Brookes that night with the fighty boys, he acted it out and everything. See his blog for further details, his link is to the right of this page. He's a nice man.

The next day despite the fact that I'd only drank 4 pints the night before, I felt really sick, I had watery mouth and everything. I'd agreed to help Caroline flyer for her show so headed to her venue with my suitcase in tow. It was a great show, I really, really enjoyed it. You should definitely go and see it, its on at the Grassmarket at the Beehive at 1:30pm. After the show I had a drink of lime and soda with Caroline and her lovely Ma and Pa and then headed off to the station for my journey home. Unfortunately the train was packed out and this annoying kid kept doing that thing where everything's "Why is the sky blue?" "because its sunny" "But WHY is the sky blue?" and so on. We passed my favourite coastal town, Berwick upon Tweed. I will go there one day.

The next day I was heading off on a road trip "ROAD TRIP!" with my dad. Firstly to the town of Brackley, where I lived for a few years as a small girl. We moved there after I was born and I developed a country accent. On the assorted conversations tape my mum and dad recorded of me and my sister I actually sound like Pam Ayres. After which we went to visit my mum and dad's friends Kath and Don. They'd not seen me since I was seven. My, how I'd grown. (They're lovely and gave me cake.) Then it was down to Somerset to stay with my mum and dad's other friends. It was a nice couple of days, the couple in Dorset grow all their own crops just like in the goodlife except they're no Tom and Barbara and they gave me a hamper of delicious produce. Good! Because my skin has turned all teenage acne-ness because of the late nights and alcohol. I got home and went straight out to a party on my complex (because I never learn). I got pretty drunk and then headed to a Pirate Party hosted by my friend Matt and his housemate Ami. It was good from what I can remember. I saw Caroline Cliff and she looked beautiful. I don't know what she'd done but she looked really cool. I was drunk granted but I thought she looked great. ( I suspect I told her that as well.)

Sunday Sophie came over to rehearse for Catface Comedy and afterwards Louisa came over for some Duck L'orange action. It was yummy but we drank LOADS of red wine. Then yesterday my friend Trisha called me and I met her for some lunch in Blackheath. I started to feel guilty that I've been out constantly for the last two weeks so this week I intend to stay in and focus on job search stuff. Boring as it is, but a necessity if I wish to keep my home.

TOMORROW its Catface Comedy and there's a cracking line up. Steve Williams to open and acts including Jane Bostock, Christina Martin, Amphlett and Candy, Alyssa Kyria and Barry Castagnola headlining. You know you want to get involved and you can do this by coming along. Go to events on and all will be revealed. COME COME COME!

K bye.

Wednesday, 12 August 2009

I wouldn't wanna be anywhere else but here.....

SO. I'm back from Majorca and currently in Edinburgh.

Majorca was good, very hot and not as smelly as I remember. The last time I went there I was 18 and went to a foam party at BCM (which is a club FYI old folk). On the foam party pictures all the girls were wearing just bra's and mini skirts so me and my friends did the same. What knobs we were. Anyway, at the party there was a porno playing on the big screen and once the foam began to spew out I felt myself being groped muchly by random blokes. It was vile. Anyway (and I hate people that say this) I digress. GOD. Anyway, it was good this time round but I did chuckle when I saw a massive advert in the sky (it was attached to an aeroplane) advertising BCM's Foam Party. Yuck.

I spent much of this holiday on my own and although that was fine in the day, by night when I would eat in a restaurant I noticed lots of women with their families glaring at me. Don't worry love, your fat, ugly husband is quite safe.

I arrived in Edinburgh yesterday and met Caroline Mabey who I'm staying with. She lives with Michael Legge and Johnny Candon and its cool. Caroline and I started drinking quite early on yesterday and then headed out on the razz. We met Gina Lyons and all proceeded to get drunk. Good.
Then Gina went to watch a gig and Caroline headed off to do a gig so Johnny Candon picked up where they left off as my drinking partner. I decided to spill my red wine down myself which stained my denim skirt a treat. Phew. Then Michael Legge turned up and we went to the Loft bar (Johnny went home). Michael said today that I kept calling Johnny a 'Lord" so this may have contributed to his departure. By now I was very drunk indeed and being a big dick. Then, I saw a guy I used to know quite well and proceeded to try and chat him up. He loved it, no sorry, not loved it, hated it. Then Caroline came (sorry dear reader if this seems patchy but this is how I remember it, like a dream) and met me and I drank some more and tried to make Michael drink a shot as it was his birthday (by then it was). And then Michael went somewhere else and then Caroline said it was time to go and asked me if it was wise to drink anymore to which I replied (I'm told) "its ok, it's only vodka, lime and soda" Then paused for a minute and went "Oh yeah, vodka's alcohol isn't it..." and I was completely serious.

This morning I woke up feeling EVIL. My heartbeat was beating in my eyes and I couldn't stop cringing. Luckily Johnny woke up and talked me through my guilt. The thing with me is, when I'm very very drunk I talk absolute shit. Constantly. And I chat up people I would NEVER FANCY sober and I JUST KNOW they now think I secretly fancy them and I so, so don't. Whenever I come to Edinburgh I always act like a total dick splat, so I'm very pleased that this year I've remained consistent. Oh well. It's Michael's birthday today so I think they're having drinks in Brookes Bar and I am limiting my intake to TWO drinks of alcohol and NO shots. And now I've written this, this wont be the case. (but now I've written that, maybe it will)

I saw a good show today featuring Catie Wilkins, Lou Sanders and Hannah George. It were ace. Go see. It's on at Espionage at 3:30pm. I love Catie and Lou, they're wicked girls and I met Hannah for the first time and she seemed lovely too. And they're ALL funny so get involved.

I'm off home tomorrow and then going to Somerset. And then, I'm afraid it's job search massive. I can't be unemployed any longer it's too uncomfortable. I'm going to sign-on as well. I have no idea how to do this and the experience should be interesting. *sigh*

Will update with more Edinburgh tales tomorrow.

Thursday, 30 July 2009

And damn right, it's better than yours.....

The sunsets of late have been RIDICK. I actually feel happy when looking at them, what's that all about. Just so you know, my view is overlooking south east London. The Gherkin, the er...gherkin ad other buildings. I can see Canary Wharf very well too. But, BUT! The main thing I love is the sun, the clouds and its crazy colours, makes me quite glad to be here make no mistake.

Now, onto other stuff. So I have continued my search on the dating site. I've had lots of emails believe it or not but one was from someone I knew. He wrote DIGGINS! And I was like SHIT!! And he was like, don't worry, I just wanted to say Hi. He told me he was just looking for sex. LIKE 40 % of men on there are doing. I spoke to my friend who is also on there and warned her of this and we've agreed to just have sex with men we don't like. That's what I normally do anyway.

One man said to me "I like face, it pretty."

What a stud. Let's get married.

I had a dream last night that I'd arranged a wedding with a guy and all my friends were there for this "marriage". And it was on the news as a marriage of convenience. He started out as being aright FUGLY and then I woke up, because my nephew was jabbering away in his cot....

THEN I went back to sleep and unusually went back into my dream and the man turned into a fit Irish man. Then it was on the news and we were walking up the aisle to me singing "Not Fair" by Lily Allen, badly. When the wedding was over I remember thinking "I don't even know my husband's phone number". I think its a taste of things to come.

I went to my sister's this weekend and we had a good time. I went there on the National Express and had a nice old lady sitting next to me who helped me STAB open my new earphones with her nail file.

My sis and I laughed alot as I told her of my recent nobbish-ness, ie: waking up and wondering where I was. We likened it to the time I had rudes with this guy who looked like "Pen" out of "Pen and Tellar"....At the time I swore you should never judge a book by its cover. BLOODY HELL. Ive got issues. He was U.G.L.Y

Any hoo till next time.

Monday, 27 July 2009

Sometimes the last thing you want comes in first, sometimes the first thing you want never comes and I know that waiting is all you can do, sometimes.

YAY I'm back online in the comfort of my own home. My good friend Lee was kind enough to take me to PC WORLD! (You have to say PC World like the advert "PC WORLD!" or it doesn't count). Anyway he took me there on friday and both him and I are technophobes but luckily a geek helped me with my purchase. I got one of those DONGLE things. Its a stick which goes in my computer and it magics the Internet alive. It's great. Anyway no more having to listen to that yucky man in the Internet cafe hacking up oil and other debris from his lungs. Speaking of lungs I've half given up smoking. I've decided I've got to go on an Alan Carr workshop thing, the book just doesn't cut it for me so I'm going to book the course post haste. I've got one of those plastic thingys you suck and it tastes of nicotine. YUM. (It's disgusting.)

In other news, I've decided to give Internet dating another whirl because one of my mates is as well and I'm a sucker for peer pressure ("Go on Leanne, jump off this cliff, we all have!") It's so far very depressing. The men are average and LOVE THEMSELVES. One said "If I contact you, count yourself as lucky because I'm very fussy." SIGH! Bloody hell Barbara what a turn on. Oooh oooh! Please contact me, and then I too shall be lucky. I know I need to be acting like I'm more up for it but quite frankly I'm just a bit bored.

Despite the above I'm feeling pretty positive. Just booked to go to Edinburgh for a couple of nights. Lovely Caroline Mabey says I can share her bed which is ace and so I have already began to create my "must see" list. Huzzah. I've been going to Edinburgh every year since 2005. Every year I've gigged and this year DEFINITELY I will not. I hope there's the usual debauchery to witness....I'm pretty sure there will be. Talking of comedy and debauchery, the next Catface is booked for the 19th AUGUST and the acts are AMAZING. Barry Castagnola, Steve Williams (swoon) Jane Bostock, Christina Martin and a SPECIAL from Amphlett and Candy so get involved. You can book by going to the Catface Comedy facebook group.

I've much to look forward to and despite being caught up in this crunchy credit problem I find myself more busy without having a full time job. My days are filled with trips to the cinema, facials, manicures and pedicures and general socialising. I would recommend. (You just have to try not to worry about being homeless. Shimples!)

One thing I am EXCEPTIONALLY excited about is, I'm going to see A-Ha at the o2 in November. I can't wait. I booked my ticket (yes TICKET, not TICKETS) the other day. I thought long and hard as to whether to rope a mate into coming with me and I thought, ya know what? This is my dream, I don't want a mate with me who only knows two songs coming along to my dream concert, digging their heels in, when I have much staring at Morton to be doing. So I'm going on my own. I did a feature about this on my radio show on Sunday. There's a stigma attached to doing this sorta thing alone and I want to break it. I often go to restaurants (for lunch) on my own, and the waiter always looks dumbfounded when I say "table for one please." Yes you heard, ONE. And? So what? I went to see "The Hangover" on my own at the cinema on Tuesday last week it was ace. This me time thing, it's good. You should try it, it feels nice. Don't get me wrong I love seeing my friends but I'm ALWAYS out with someone so its nice to be in a social situation alone and if I'm honest a bit of a challenge at times. Try it, you might like it. (Leanne Diggins, so misunderstand) I LOVE IT.

Anyway, I downloaded this song the other day called "Don't Trust Me" by 3oh!3 and I liked the chorus that's why I got it. THEN, when I listened to it properly, there's a line in it that goes "Shush Girl, shut your lips, do the Helen Keller and use your hips". What?! Helen Keller reference? WTF? Next there'll be a song about Christy Brown... Let's get some Joey Deacon action in while we're at it.

What else? Oh yeah, on Friday me and my friend went out in Greenwich and I got DRUNK. It was fun. Then on Saturday, another mate and I went out in Blackheath and all the girls were well pretty. DOH. I have to up my game. I can't compete with these youngsters. There was this group of females on a hen night and they were dressed as the Pink Ladies and they actually looked AMAZING. They had wet look leggings on and I felt like a frump. So we remedied that by coming back to my house for a disco. Good old Ghostbusters. I ain't afraid of no goat, we sang. *sigh*

I'm off to Bournemouth to see my sister tomorrow and Neff. Can't wait. Next week its some Majorca action which should help my flailing tan regain its orangey glow. Happy days.

Anyway that's it for now, I hope you're all good. I've been checking the statistics on here and I'm pleased to see my readership is on the rise so thank you and please, pass this onto anyone else who might be bored.

Till next time.

Monday, 20 July 2009

I don't have alot of money but we'll be fine.

So, I'm in an Internet cafe and the man that runs it is hacking up phlegm every five minutes. Disgusting. I haven't even got any music with me to drown out the noise, so will keep this blog brief.

Catface Comedy last week was bloody great. My mum and dad came and this made me exceptionally nervous but they seemed to enjoy it. (Especially when Johnny Candon decided to single them out and ask them lots of questions during his set). Thank you to Paul Foot, Josie Long, Johnny Candon, the Catface Comedy Erotic dancers and of course Louisa. Great show, great team. The next show is booked for the 19th August, Barry Castagnola is headlining. YAY! I'm still booking a couple of my other acts, but Christina Martin and Jane Bostock are on this line up as well.

On thursday night I went to this quiz night thing hosted by a company called GOLD. Tim Vine was the quiz master and Chortle were invited along to join in and I was on their team. The team consisted of Steve Bennett and 5 females, we had a great laugh - I actually did rather well, up until I became too drunk to speak - so that's good isn't it. I wowed the Chortle team with my knowledge of British seaside towns and also where Muriel (from Muriel's wedding) is from (Porpoise Spit). We came sixth but we beat The Times, and the Radio Times as well so we were happy. Or were we just drunk? I think probably just very, very drunk.

The next day I came to on my sofa with confusing thoughts (how did I get here? etc) but had to dash these from my mind, as I had a day booked in the studio to do a voice over showreel edit. I managed to battle through the hangover as we whittled 57 minutes of voice over and radio footage down to a neat 5 minutes. I got the masters for this today and intend to carpet bomb every voice-over agency and radio station in the entire world.

I was supposed to go to Madrid tomorrow but I've just come to book the flights and they're either non existent or ridiculously expensive. The thing is, I've got my euros and I want to go SOMEWHERE but where? The world's my oyster but its not really, is it. How about the Isle of Wight? I love it there.

Anyway - better do some more flight search-age.

Till next time - hope you're all good.

Wednesday, 15 July 2009

I'm only asking but ........I think you know. Come on, take me away.

WOWEE ZOWEE! I haven't written long time eh?

Soooooo I went to Ibiza and it ruled as usual. I love love love that island. The apartment I'm buying when I make my fortune still stands on the hillside and I spent much of my time gazing up at it from the comfort of my lilo in the sea. My friend Louisa shared my lust for the waves and many a time we took our place side by side on the neon pink lilo, putting the world to rights until the waves lovingly took us into shore where we became beached like two beautiful whales.

The weather was ace - almost too hot infact and my sweaty face didn't like it much nor did my makeup which slid off at every opportunity on a night out. I met some lovely lads out there which is unusual because on other holidays to the same destination we are restricted to the "Animation team" as being the only laddage around. This is slim pickings for people in the know.

I think because there were five of us (granted three were in relationships) this created a more agreeable pull for the lads. Not that this was the only reason we went out there, oh no. The main reason was for relaxation but of course any male attention is a bonus.

Unfortunately I don't have ANY chatting up skills and upon meeting one particular lad in San Miguel, I demonstrated this tenfold. Poor man. When we walked into the Irish Bar where this man worked, I saw him playing the violin on stage and I said to myself "be still my foolish heart, for I think I am in love". And the man looked up and I met his eye and he waved. After his set he came up to me and introduced himself as Rory. This man, this.....MAN, was THE most handsome man I've seen all year. Of course this showed in my face as the evil beads of sweat began to emerge at a great speed. Anyway, this first conversation went ok and we chatted for a while. As time went on throughout the night, obviously the beer flowed and I became less and less cool. When we next spoke I rambled on to him lots, ending up somehow showing him how to do the "robot". Even though I can't really do it myself. Rory obliged (ah I love the Irish) but inside I felt ridiculous. GOD.

I stayed out at this bar until around 6am, it was a brilliant night. Highlights for me include one point when a big group of us, male and female were chatting at the bar and all of a sudden Michael Jackson's classic "Bad" came on and without a word, all us 30-40 somethings moon-walked onto the dance floor, randomly shouting "OW". Ah beer you make us silly. Happy days.

The next day I was very very rough indeed but spent it sunbathing and eating which helped a great deal. During the week we did several bouts of Karaoke. Our favourite I think being "Gypsys Tramps and Theives" by Cher. At one particular evening in Santa Eulalia I met another nice guy who ran the karaoke. I think I wowed him with my rendition of "With or without you" by U2 where upon I spent alot of the track doing floor dancing.

My mate's and I were chatting about when we went to Aiya Napa one year and my pal Louisa met this bloke and had a full on holiday romance but he was from up North. She reminded me that when we got back from this holiday, one night when I was down the pub I rang her mobile and left her a voicemail which consisted of me singing along to The Divine Comedy's "National Express" classic and then I hung up. Indicating I suppose, that she'd be spending much time on board these coaches if she wanted to maintain the relationship. ARF! How rude of me, oh well, I was drunk is all I can say...

On returning from Ibiza I was happily met with no water in my flat or anyone else's in the whole apartment block. When I called the woman who deals with these situations, she said they were sending out bottled water 1 litre per household. I had visions of them air dropping these to us and I tried to make it clear that I'd done a massive wee wee in my toilet and this of course could not be flushed and 1 litre of water wouldn't cut it........... but to no avail. In the end I had to escape to my mum and dad's to have a nice cup of tea until the whole thing blew over.

Anyway - this is not all that's been happening but I have to go and get ready, for tonight it's Catface Comedy which has SOLD OUT and I have much to prepare.

I hope this blog finds you well and I'll try to write again tomorrow or Friday.

Till then.

Monday, 29 June 2009

I must become a lion hearted girl.

I haven't written for over a week, sorry about that but its been a week of weird-ness and I've actually had to do stuff like ya know, pack up my desk and do dubs and all that crap. Anyway, I'm here now aren't I?

Hmmm, just trying to think back to what I've been doing.... Ah yes, right so last Tuesday I met up with an old friend Gina from my TV Travel Shop days. We met in Moorgate, Banker central and we weren't disappointed. Well, we were. This bloke came over to us and was talking UTTER shit but his friend, his mate, erm, fuck what was his name again? Bloody hell I've got to start writing this more. Anyway his mate asked me out and took my number. He also told me he had a Porsche which I thought rather vulgar but at least he could drive. Anyway Mr Porsche didn't call me or text to follow up on the date. Shocking. Apparently this is a THING men do. They just wanna tot up the "digits" and then get some kind of MENTAL ego boost when a lady hands over her number. Whatever. He was Fugly anyway.

Wednesday I went to my friend and photographer Martin Hobby's studio to do a photo shoot. It was horrendous trying to look good. I had the worst hangover and teenage acne. Martin being my friend was pretty upfront with me, saying at times "Did you know you have a squint?" Erm.... ok.

We tried to do some "fun and playful" shots consisting of a cane and bowler hat and Martin wanted me to stick my fingers out towards him in a wizardy way. (his words, not mine) and every now and then whilst snapping away, he'd bark "More Wizard! More Wizard!" where upon I'd wiggle my fingers in what I hoped was a wizardy way. He's got this really nice kitten who's tiny and we tried a couple of cat in the hat shots but the kitten wasn't up for it. In the end we got some decent ones and Martin worked his magic. Gotta love that airbrush.

Which brings us up to Friday which was of course my leaving party. Oh what fun that was. Jeeeez I positively excelled myself on the Stella/Sambuca drinking. I tried not to cry but when I got my present which was ACE and did my speech, Niagara falls. I also leaped on a colleague of mine for some serious pashing (as the Ozzys say). Just sent him an apology email. Happy days.

It's my FINAL day at MTV tomorrow and I'll really, really miss my friends here they're wicked. Like I said in my speech friday, I've met some of the most interesting people I have ever met in my life. When I started at MTV I was engaged to be married, I had that life, the one I often moan I don't have now. But it consisted of working to live, going to work, coming home, getting up, going to work and so on. But since then and during the last few years, I've been in my own documentary on BBC1 and BBC3 which in turn got me into stand-up comedy which I did because I wanted to do radio, which I now do on Sunday's. I also run my comedy night Catface Comedy since 2006, its just madness, I'd never have envisaged this.... It's weird and I do feel that the people I've met at MTV (past and present) have had something to do with it. Nurture not nature is the key here.

Thank you so much, my lovely lovely friends. I'm so lucky to have met you, many of which I feel I'll know for life and the memories I have from here will stay with me forever. I'd also like to thank God... I kind of would, actually.

Anyway, Saturday I woke up on my sofa fully clothed and literally feeling like SHIT. I was properly ill - it was bad news. I had a BBQ to go to in the day and Lee was picking me up 2pm. He came to get me and I actually couldn't stand. When we got to the BBQ I hoovered up the buffet table with my mouth and felt marginally better.

Sunday I didn't do my radio show and in the afternoon went out in Greenwich with Katy. We've decided to get ourselves a local there where everybody knows our name.

This week I have one more day left at work and then Wednesday I'm meeting with a sound engineer to get my new Show Audio Reel up and running. It's gonna be ACE. Thursday I'm going to watch a band in Camden, and then Saturday or as I like to call it, CATurday, I'm off to Ibeefa. I cannot fucking wait. I bloody need this break and I need some sun and I need some time with my dearest friends.

Until next time.

Friday, 19 June 2009

There was a boy who lived inside his head...he couldn't face the world, so he turned his back instead.

YAY. I've just downloaded some great music for my radio show on Sunday morning. Golden Silvers, Little Boots, The Klaxons and LOTS MORE. If you get a chance log onto the show from 10am Sunday morning. it's gonna be a cracker.

This week's been busy busy busy. I've managed to tidy my desk with the help of my lovely team. They convinced me to chuck out the dried up banana so that's a good thing. I still managed to snaffle away some useless stuff, like a big foam pointy glove usually for people in the audience of Gladiators. Its great. I love pointing in it. Tuesday I met up with my friend Dave in Greenwich. He used to be my supervisor when I "worked" at TV Travel Shop. Had a bit of an overload on old TVTS friends lately, what's going on? Anyway - I met Dave and he came up with a fantastic plan. He casually dropped into conversation that he's considering buying a pub. He wants it to be a "venue pub" for music and comedy and all that but doesn't have experience in events. Well Dave! I know a girl who does! That's right ME. So this would be a great venture for both of us, alcohol AND music AND comedy. My favourite things.

So the next day I had to go to that agency. It was based in Ealing Common in a residential area, in a house. Anyway, I found the "red door" and knocked. It didn't actually have any agency sign outside or anything. I was meeting a lady called Simone. A man answered the door and ushered me in. He told me to wait in the living room and handed me a diversity form to fill in. I suddenly had a really bad thought that I might get murdered and that this so called ethnic diversity form was a ruse, as was the "Simone" pseudonym. I tried to work out how I'd get out so I hurriedly used my blackberry and emailed a couple of people my location and told them that if I wasn't out in an hour to call the police. I looked around for an exit and grabbed my keys ready to do some serious stabbing.

Suddenly Simone came and got me and led me to an office which had a pooter and phone and office supplies so all my murdering thoughts left me. It was a good meeting and she really helped me out. I'm crap at this kind of interview though, if there's silence I always have to fill it. That goes for relationships too. And when I fill the silence I always say something knobbish. Like with Simone. When we were discussing the places I would work (TV channels) she said "I get the impression that you wouldn't want to work at the BBC because its quite corporate etc." And I said "Yeah, I do really hate red tape and also, ya know, anal" (DOH) and she just looked at me so I had to fill the gap "Well, I don't actually hate ha ha ha ha....well, I do... it all depends....on er...." and then trailed off. It was like a bad dream.

So, still no leads jobwise. However, I went to see a tarot reader the other day and he told me some GREAT stuff. He said I would be with child within six months to a year and it would be a boy. And the child wouldn't have a father. (I bloody knew it....I am MARY MOTHER OF GOD) He also said that I have to start putting into practice the whole giving out what I want to get back. This is the Laws of Attraction thing and although I know the theory of this, it is a case of FEELING it as opposed to thinking it. He said I need to read the book "Excuse me, your life is waiting for you." I think I will. So it was ok really. The child bit isn't going to happen. End of.

Tonight I'm going to my team's leaving drinks in Camden :-( BOO and the day draws closer. Apparently there might be a lad there that I might like! I plan to act like a massive knob and say really stupid things. Fingers crossed eh? I'll update you monday to let you know if all goes to plan. *sigh*

And then, Lauren's coming over tomorrow and we're going to go through the new dance for Catface Comedy (15th JULY! The Betsey Trotwood, starring Barry Castagnola, Paul Foot, Josie Long and Michael Legge). Then on Sunday after the radio show I'm off to Covent Garden and we're rehearsing the dance in Pineapple Studios. I'm very intimidated. I'm going to wear my hair in a pony tail and wear a cap like all those other dancey types. Also hope to see Evie and Matt for a quick coffee Sunday and a catch up. YAY! 15 days until Ibiza! YEAH! Blue Lagoons and Mr Cairo's karaoke club here I come.

Have a great weekend - till next time.

(don't forget to listen to me' show on Sunday 10-12pm)

Monday, 15 June 2009

Come on in. I've gotta tell you what a state I'm in. I've got to tell you in my loudest tones, that I started looking for a warning sign.

So I find myself at a crossroad. Which path to choose? The one where I hope everything works out? Or the one where I have to actually do stuff. I'd like it to be a little from column A and a little from column B please. I woke up this morning at 2:33am and sat around for about an hour and a half trying desperately not to worry about how much sleep I wasn't going to get or about the upcoming redundancy. There just are NO jobs. I'll take anything really. Bar work or ya know, bar work. Or doing what I do now, or bar work. The thing is, its hard to do a job search when one's not available for work until mid August owing to expeditions around Spain and lying in bed all day and.... Yeah. I should really pull my finger out of my arse. Why can't it all just go away and sort itself out? Like I have friends where it just kinda, works out. Can you go on the dole if you have a mortgage?

Check out my desk. I have to clear this mother in two weeks. (You might be able to see this blog on the computer screen - on closer inspection you cannot) Even I know that its a fucking state.

I need to get rid of all my crapola but I love it so. For example I have a banana on my desk that's shrunk and feels plastic and is lovely, but I have no use for it do I. Moan moan moan. I'm sorry - s'hard to be positive at the moment.

I'll tell you about my latest week instead - there might be something in there that won't depress you.
Hmmmm. Ah right. Yes, on thursday I went out with my mates James, Adrian and Paul to the pub with the best bar snacks IN THE WORLD. They have Scampi Fries, Cheesy Moments AND Pork Scratchings. I had an absolute feast. My mate Paul took a photo of me and I looked just like Lorraine out of The Apprentice. Really depressing. DOH.

Sorry I did it again. Actually everyone looked a bit weird in the photos. Here's one of me and James and he looks like he has a clear plastic bag over his face, so no-one's perfect.

Jason Byrne was in the pub (I'd never met him before) but he knew a couple of people I was with as they were Paramount Comedy people. He came over to us whilst I was mid-sentence about kids. And he goes "You've got kids?!" and I was like "No.... of course not." And he carried on talking for a bit and then when he walked off (and I don't know why I did this) I went "I haven't got kiiiids" like it was a sentence in the wind. (Kind of like on that Mighty Boosh when Howard says "My only friend is the wind" and then the wind goes "I haaatte yoooou." best line ever)

Anyway - Jason Byrne heard my wind sentence and he goes "yeah? well I have." And I was like, "Gooooood" still in wind mode. What a knob I am. Anyway when he went to go I tried to act all normal but I was pissed so it didn't work.

The next day it was friday and I was losing the will to live at my desk all day. Met my mate Rachel for a couple of beers in Camden and then went home. I felt quite empowered so decided to update my status on facebook as "Leanne Diggins is a bloody catch!" and this promoted two men on my facebook friends to "Drink and e-mail" me. So that was nice.

Saturday I went to Orpster to see my Nephew Alex. He seemed to be quite scared of me for the first fifteen minutes or so but soon he handed me a red brick so I knew all was forgiven. My mate Lee came and picked me up and we went to a beer garden in Green St Green - was pretty cool but I saw a load of old school friends who were all heavily pregnant and it made me feel totally UNpregnant. Then Lee dropped me home and my mate Melanie called me from the Isle of Wight fest to play "White Lies" down the phone to me which cheered me up alot. Then in the evening my neighbour Katy came over for some wine, she brought champagne and we had a good laugh.

Sunday was radio day as ever and this show I managed without getting a migraine. Also passed a big pile of VOM on the way to the station so that was excellent.

This week is a busy one for me, I'm out pretty much every night. Going to see Caroline Mabey's preview tonight. Feels like forever ago that we did Sandy Hole in Edinburgh. Then tomorrow I'm meeting up with my mate Dave in Greenwich and Wednesday I have to go to an AGENCY. I don't think it can be up to much cause they sent me an email asking if I was "OK with dogs" (they have one that randomly scampers about.) "Well sure, I love dogs but....." sigh.

Anyway - till next time.

Monday, 8 June 2009

So give me the song and I'll sing it like I mean it.....Give me the words and I'll say them like I mean it.

I feel alright now. Oh Time, you are my bestest friend in the whole world.

Thursday as you were probably aware from my blog, I felt a bit crappy. I went out in the evening to my mate's birthday drinks in town. I was planning on not drinking but somehow I forgot this immediately and ordered a pint of Kronenberg. I got my drink and walked over to the gang, having not said all my 'hello's'. As I stepped across to them, my pointy shoes got caught on this chair and I tripped over. Two thirds of my full pint went right down my mate Andrea's back and my other shoe flew off. I laughed and laughed and laughed. My stomach actually hurt. When I'd recovered my composure I looked up to see all these randoms staring at me, this made me laugh more. I think I was slightly hysterical but boy did I need that. Poor Andrea. hahahaha. The night was a little bit weird cause where I was quite emotional I was going from laughing to miserable mode throughout it. Poor people who asked how I was..... my responses were well dark. "Me? How am I? You want to know how I AM???! Well I'm fucked. How are you?" I think I was being a bit scary. Oh well, for one night only I'm entitled. Only one thing for it. SAMBUCAS. And finally, when that didn't work it was time to take my leave. .

Happy days. The next day I was hungover like a bitch and feeling sad again. Newsflash, alcohol makes you feel worse the next day. Friday night I stayed in minus alcohol and it made me feel better, also managed to clean my flat. Although, I smashed a really nice pint glass accidentally and it went into millions of pieces which made me weep. I probably wasn't weeping over that though. My Dyson HATED it.

Saturday I went to Orpington to meet my mate Louisa for some fry up action. It was really nice wandering around the old place, not been back for a while and there were less freaks out than usual. However, after walking through the dilapidated precinct and then into Peacocks to check out my old Saturday job area from when I was 14, I saw this woman who used to work there when I did and I felt instantly depressed. She didn't recognise me cos in those days I had an unsightly corkscrew perm.

After this, I couldn't bear to get on the bus home so my Dad came and got me - I'd had enough. We hung out for a while listening to Cat Stevens and chatting about my most recent week of hassle. I pointed out to my dad that I kinda feel that one of my downfalls is I'm always trying to act a certain way in front of lads and although I agree there is always room for compromise, to change for someone is just plain stupid. So from on, I'm going to be myself. (Starting at the checkout in Morrisons later that day and chatting up 18 year old "David". He made me actually go RED. And he was 18. Hey man, still got it!)

Saturday night I met Hevver Bevver and co and we went for a couple of beers in New Cross. We then went onto see a band which were really rather good. I was pretty pissed though and when they'd finished I decided to call it a night. The next day I went to do my radio show and I was about half hour in, when suddenly my right eye went blind. Which means for me, a migraine is on its way and soon my speech will fuck up. I had to abandon the show with haste and get a cab home before I started talking utter gibberish. It's really scary cause you think you're having a stroke. Makes me scared to speak in case I say the wrong words. I did find myself saying the word "Futter." alot. Stupid Migraine. It meant I had to miss a BBQ at my mate's house :-(. Once the zig saggy lines go and the numb arms and weird speech things go, then I'm left with the feeling of being punched in the head which I still have. Really annoying but thankfully I only get them once a year on average. Prob caused by the stresses of last week.

This week I have written lists and plans and am going to execute them. I've already done three things on my list including my new and revised CV. There's something satisfying about putting a line through stuff.

I will definitely be back on the radio show on sunday and I have some ACE music for this sunday so please try to listen in if you can at from 10 am.

Also if you haven't already, Catface Comedy on the 15th July starring Barry Castagnola, Paul Foot, Michael Legge and Josie Long is on SALE NOW. Go to this group on Facebook to find out how to pre book your ticks and save yourself some cash.

Until next time...

Monday, 1 June 2009

I don't want to dissect everything today, I don't mean to pick you apart you see..... but I can't help it.

The weeks are flying by and its stressing me out. I now only have 4 weeks in my job at MTV - redundancy SUCKS.

So, now I'm FORCED to do some actual work (look for a job). I went on a course last week which was for all redundant rejects who find themselves in "job search" world. It was quite useful and nice to know that my CV is utter crap. The woman who took the course was very annoying. You know those women who just eminate BITCH from every pore. Well she was one of those. I just kept thinking.."we so couldn't be friends". I'm sure she would be most upset to learn that.

But yeah, the course obviously made the whole being out of work thing a reality which of course isn't a very secure or jolly thought. But, if I'm honest I'm actually excited about being unemployed. I've not been unemployed since I was 14 years old and got my first saturday job at "Curtess Shoes" in the corner of Peacocks in Orpington. I've always been on a payroll. And now, to not have a regular income is going to feel weird. Oh well, its not like I'm the only person to lose their job eh and like I say, the idea of getting up when I want like so many of my fellow loser friends feels pretty good.

Friday night I went out in Soho as the Head of Post Production (another redundancy victim) was having his leaving drinks. It was well cool. I did NETWORKING. Proper real networking. Suddenly the worry of not getting a job evaporated. Thanks Stella! (artois). The boy met me and also came to the event. He seemed to get on well with my colleagues which is always important, especially when your leaving your job in 4 weeks anyway, so....

I had a pretty vicious hangover on saturday and was due to go to my friend Sam's house later on in the afternoon. I got there at around 4pm and my head was still banging. The only way through this I felt was more alcohol. She has two children that although are actually two of the nicest kids I know, their leaping on me, pushing a scooter into my knee and the 2 year old accidently punching me in the face, meant I really needed to be drunk. So I became this way and happily the afternoon was a success.

I got home at about 9 o clock and spent about an hour and half on the phone to my friend trying to work out how we could get her a boyfriend and what avenues we haven't already exhausted. Turned out we're really scraping the barrel now but are going down the "friend of a friend" route. The guy I'm kind of seeing doesn't really have any single friends (SELFISH) so we have to try something else. Any ideas? Comment if you know of any avenues to try (Not internet, we've done that).

Sunday I spent the afternoon reading through old diaries and looking at old photos. Its come to my attention that I peaked at the age of 28 and am now on a downward spiral. It would help some if I could shift this fat, but unfortunately I'm really greedy. God the poor people on the beach in Ibiza are going to literally VOM when they see me in my thread bare bikini. And I go topless. HAHAAH! Have that holiday makers! Me fatting about on the beach. ENJOY! I might even play volley ball just to make matters worse. (Yeah right, as if I plan to MOVE.)

So, this week I am staying in cause I have NO MONEY. How exciting my life is. Don't you just wish you were me? No? Well... thats fine.

Till next time.

Wednesday, 27 May 2009

Please, don't let this turn into something it's not.

Wow these bank holiday weekends get better and better don't they. Do they? Yes, they do. Anyway. Last Friday before the bank holiday weekend, lovely Harry Hill came into my work to discuss Fair trade stuff. He loves it, specially nuts. Anyway MTV stock loads of fair trade products in our vending machines (although, dunno why cause the vending machines here steal money ALL the time). Anyway, so an email went out on Wednesday saying "Harry Hill coming to MTV" and then in the contents of the mail it mentioned Harry again but wrote "Harry Hall" so a collective groan went out around MTV cause we thought they'd typo'd the "Hill" bit in the title. But Lo, what is this? Sure enough, the actual Harry Hill was coming into MTV. A buzz ran out through the building (between me and my friend Mandy). Harry Hill was coming into OUR work, sod popstars, bring on the Harry.

We devised a plan which would mean us getting to the front of the atrium to watch the speech, this cunning plan entailed us getting down to the atrium a full 7 minutes before everyone else. I know. Clever eh. Soon there was Harry's bald head gleaming away. I had to turn away for I was all red and sweaty. Then this lady said (i think Harry's PR person) please feel free to talk to Harry, he's open to any of your questions etc. You don't need to tell me twice woman. I went over with a gaggle of others and we all spoke at him at length about our love for TV Burp. I decided to mention his stand-up to move away from this topic and to make me seem more interesting and potential girlfriendy. It worked, for we discussed (like old friends HA!) an AWFUL club in London that has the crappest MC (if you could call him that) who's a weirdo that does phoning you up at night and inviting you round to drink wine at his house. YICK. And THEN I had my picture taken with lovely Harry and I'm grinning like a loony but I don't care.

Then after his speech which included ("there's only one way to find out - FIGHT")I spoke with him again. I told him I ran a night in East London called "Catface Com" "CATFACE COMEDY?" Harry Hill interrupted? That's right readers, he said CATFACE COMEDY and he said he knew of it. And I said "Are you just saying that you know if it?" And he was like "No seriously I've heard of that a couple of times.." I was so happy. So happy infact that my hard work of seeming cool all went down hill from there. So I wrapped up the conversation and as I walked away, said quietly "I love you." Of which he heard. Ah, always end a conversation like a GIGANTIC KNOB. That's my motto. Imagine if I'd met Dawn French, that would have been miles worse. He's lucky he just got a hushed "I love you."

He is great.

Saturday I met up with the boy which was pretty cool but we did lots of bickering which I felt strange seeing as we're supposed to be at the "getting to know each other" stage according to my manual.

Sunday was the best day of the whole weekend. Katy and I went out in Greenwich Park for some picnic action. The picnic consisted of Gin and tonic, vodka and cranberry, scones and chipsticks. NIIICE. When we got to the park we were supposed to be meeting two sets of my pals but decided to first sit down and have a chat just the two of us. Suddenly, out of nowhere a squirrel came over. Usually I like them, their tails are most agreeable. But no, this one was GIVING IT. I'm not joking. This isn't supposed to be amusing, the squirrel was properly squaring up to me and Katie. I actually ran off and was like "look, what do you want?" it was well weird. Even passers by were commenting on how scary he was. In the end we had to move.

Later on I met with my mate Martin and his friends. We went to the pub after and had a great time. Then Katie and I headed back as it was getting dark and we went to the bar on the complex where we live and there was live music consisting of Pink Floyd covers. We stayed to watch and it was a lovely end to a lovely day.

This week sees me watching the Apprentice TONIGHT. YAY! And then seeing Hevver Bevver tomorrow night for some catching up action.

Until next time.

Thursday, 21 May 2009

Goodness knows I saw it coming, or at least I'll claim I did....

Just got a new work blackberry and its ACE. Not sure why it's ace, but its all new and got the plastic on it and everything (which I've just RIPPED off.)

I so need to detox. This last week has been horrendous drink wise. Luckily I've run out of money so have to stay in from now on. I don't suppose I will, but gonna try.

Tuesday evening I went out with the boy and had a good time. I know I shouldn't talk about him on here but he doesn't read this so I think its ok. Its not like I'm saying anything serious, just a' blogging is all! Yeah so anyway, we had fun and then came back to my house for some of my home cooking. I used to think I was a really good cook and as those avid blog readers will verify, I even won our own version of Come Dine With Me. Now though, now that I'm trying to impress a lad, I've only cooked a Roast Dinner and Spaghetti Bolognaise. Hardly innovative or difficult to cook.... I think I'm going to have to revisit Delia and get some top tips 'cause this is bordering on embarrassing.

Last night I met up with some comedy pals, Catie Wilkins, Christina Martin and Jane Bostock and we haven't hooked up for a while. I was feeling extra tired and hungover, also my liver was actually hurting so I didn't think I'd be out for more than one drink. However we had so much fun that I ended up staying out for the duration. Its so nice to know some cool stand-up comedy ladies 'specially ones as down to earth and normal as them.

I missed The Apprentice obviously, but one of my friends on Facebook had helpfully REVEALED who had been fired on their status update. BAH! I had to say something about that cause as soon as you know who's fired, you also know which team has lost and so on. Annoying! Anyway - still had a watch of it today on BBC i player. It was ok and Alan chose the right candidate to fire. As usual....

Ah another bank holiday looms and I'm happy about that. Friday night I think I'll have a couple of drinks in town and then Saturday meet up with the boy. I might have a break from the radio show this Sunday, but will be back the following week if that's the case. And then for the rest of the weekend I plan to just lol about, I might even kick start my detox. But I might not. I really want to give up smoking again because I'm fully off the wagon and I'm ashamed. I read on someone elses blog that the other day they went for a 2 mile run. A run you say... hmmmm could I do that? Where would I run to if so? Last time I tried to run from my house I was wheezing and doubled over after just 50 yards. But you know, as my friend Rachel helpfully pointed out, I only have a few years where I'll be able to regenerate looks-wise. Once I hit 35 I can no longer do this. So, the question is, should I regenerate? I think probably, yes.

I go to Ibiza in 6 weeks and my diet has totally, totally failed. It seems I can't concentrate on lots of things at once. Like for example, this week I've been mostly focusing on drinking and being a big knob head. There's simply no room during this exercise to care about my looks and diet etc. But maybe, just maybe, I should focus on a regeneration objective. And as I type this, its becoming more and more of a good plan. YES. Yes that's it. I'm going to stay back.

In other news, this week there was a rumour going around that Patrick Swayze had died. I was actually properly gutted. Then it all turned out to be bollocks so felt better. (but then felt a bit crap again cause he's gonna die anyway isn't he)

Reminded me of the time there was a rumour flying around that Zak from Saved by the Bell (what a LOAD OF SHIT THAT PROGRAMME WAS) had died in a car crash and it all turned out to be crap. And isnt there a rumour that Kenan or Kel (loves orange soda) is dead? Or did I dream that? I know when I've been over-doing it cause I find it really difficult to differentiate between what I've dreamt and what's reality. Perhaps I should google that one incase I'm starting a rumour without realising it. See how easy it is though!

Have a fantastic bank holiday weekend.


Monday, 18 May 2009

You see their arms clear and cruel in your jealous mind.

Oh my god I need a holiday, I'm so tired. That's not a very upbeat way to start a blog but s'how I'm feeling.

Nevertheless I've had a pretty interesting week. Catface Comedy was as usual a bloody great night and I don't care if that makes me seem conceited. It is a bloody great night and that's that. The next one in July (missing out June as that's redundant month) features Paul Foot, Josie Long and Barry Castagnola. Yeah man.

But back to last week's one. I had the worst tummy ache in the world and my door person was sick so I knew it was gonna be a bit stressful. Luckily though my friend Louise stepped up to the mark and did the door with her boyf Jack which was great. And the erotic dancers stepped up by seating people which again was so cool. I was stressing a bit because that guy I've been dating came along and that always adds pressure. What happens if he thinks I'm a dick? Also I have a bit of a "persona" on stage which is a bit man eatery, and although I warned him of this, I know it must have seemed a little bit strange. Oh well. He seemed to enjoy which was cool.

Very lovely to see Jason Kavan and Jess Fostekew performing cause I'd never seen them before - I was highly impressed! We stayed until the pub closed as usual with a load of audience. These two guys that had seen the show advertised on Chortle stayed with us too and were really nice.. They were very complimentary saying that they'd have paid twice the entrance fee for the night, which is what I love to hear. I think its well important that audience get their money's worth. (Unlike other stand-up nights in London which do not offer value for money and I quite frankly think is a massive liberty)

Anyway enough blowing smoke up my ass.

The weekend was cool, I was doing an improv course which I have to say I was dreading. Didn't help that I was hungover and feeling a bit sorry for myself for drinking and dialling that guy. KNOB. I was sat in a cafe in Old Street at 10:15 waiting for Matthew and Caroline and considering doing a runner when Matthew came in. Luckily he too was planning an escape but we decided against it, met Caroline and went to the course.

It was pretty cool actually - I remembered most of the exercises and games we were playing and I could see a slight improvement in my impro skills but again, its not really my cup of tea and not something I would wish to pursue. We had such a good laugh though, I'm looking forward to some decent cartoons from Caroline and Matthew because written words (ie: my blog) will not do it justice.

In other news my friends and I have an ongoing conversation about people using the wrong words for stuff. This stems from Pammie in Gavin and Stacey. So for example, she'll say something like "No way, Blase'" and on Jeremy Kyle the other day I heard a classic.

Toothless, scabby woman to man shouts: "Well you're a fucking c*nt!"
Equally scabby man shouts back "Yeah? Well the feelings neutral!"


RE: The man front, it all seems to be going ok although had a bit of a wobble the other day cause this guy asked me out and I said "NO". But then I thought, hang on a minute. I'm saying no cause of this guy I'm seeing, but what happens if this guy I'm seeing would have said yes to that? I started to have mini jealous thoughts. I mean, I don't want to have "The Conversation" with him. ie: are you my boyfriend? cause its way too early for that. But are we dating other people? I didn't know whether it was just me that was being exclusive. God this dating thing is so RULEY! Anyway, in the end I could stands it no more and told it to him straight. Its all sorted now and we are still doing dating but in an exclusive way. WOW. Aren't I growed up. Yes so much so, that I'm airing my dirty laundry on a blog. Haha.

This week is SOOO busy. Today I'm doing a little audition to do some Voiceover work for Nickelodeon. Luckily I smoked a million fags this weekend so my voice sounds all gravelly. I'm sure thats what they're looking for.... er.....

Aaaaaannnyyyway...I better go now. Oh yeah, I'll be on SW1 radio tonight 7pm-9pm so tune in by logging onto from 7pm!


Wednesday, 13 May 2009

So I drank one, it became four....and when I fell on the floor I drank more.

Bah my tummy hurts and I've got Catface tonight. Must...suck it up...

Ah that's better. No, it's not.

Anyway - yes, whats the latest? Well, I've had a very nice week. I went out on that date on thursday and we had a cool time. Although as we walked to the bar we went quite fast and when we got there, my face kept spewing out moisture known to some as sweat. Was embarrassing. I was like "Erm shall we go in the garden?" He totally noticed too cos it was the beady kind. Oh well, it soon dried up. I decided to drink Stella even though I was advised against it by many. My thoughts on this was, well, this is me. Well, I'm not ACTUAL Stella but I do like it. And anyway who cares? Yeah so we had fun and he asked me out again for the following Sunday. Madness.

Saturday I stayed in for most of the day and in the evening Louisa came over for some catching up action. We decided to go out in Greenwich and then I thought, I know, why don't I text the man who I'm seeing tomorrow anyway?? Yeah good idea. Luckily he was receptive to my drinking and dialling and we went to meet him and his friends at a private party. Where upon I decided "I know, why don't I be the biggest knob that ever lived?" Phew. I'm so glad I follow through on my decisions.

Yes, I did robotics, yes I lay on the floor and wouldn't get up and lots lots more! The next day when I dragged myself in to the radio station I was convinced I'd never see him again. So before I set up cooking the sumptuous roast I had planned when I got home, I called him to get this confirmed.

But lo, what is this? He STILL wants to come over? Really? Yes, yes people its true. He did. I know. Something very strange is going on but I ain't gonna question it. So another nice arvo ensued. Watched AN AWFUL DVD though called "The Strangers" Absolute rubbish totally do not bother. Terrible terrible. God this Lovefilm thing is a big fat LIE. Of this batch from Lovefilm I also watched Amelie (again) even though as my brother in law quite rightly points out, the DVD cover is exceptionally irritating.

I'm having a spotify A-ha moment right now. So, so good. You should all totally love them. Listen to The Weight of the Wind from the Scoundrel Days album. So dramatic.

Right so from now until the weekend I have several good things on. Tonight is of course the most important, Catface Comedy at The Betsey Trotwood pub from 8pm. YAY.

This weekend I'm on an improvisation course. I dunno why, I SUCK at improv. Going with Caroline Clifford and Evie's beau Matthew, or as they call him Foxy. (Which I quite frankly refuse to do. Not even as an improvisation.)

I just cringe all the way through improv usually, whats all this "Freeze" bollocks. I hate it when I'm forced to intercept a scene and I've no idea what to do. I always end up saying "What are you doing?" A SIN! A SIN in improv!

Anyway the person who runs this course is very very good and it is a good class cos I've done it before so I reck it will be fun at the very least.

And that's it. I better go because my tummy is telling me so.

Until next time.

Tuesday, 5 May 2009

Before it all ends, before we run out of time.....stay close to me.

WOW what a difference in bank holiday weekends. Three weeks ago I had a bit of a shit one, I have since christened it my Wank Holiday weekend. But this one, this one, was really rather good.

Last Thursday I met up with my pal Leon and we went for beers in Camden. On the way into the pub my mobile started to ring and it was my mate James. As I was with Leon, I cut the call off. Turns out however, he was calling me from inside the pub and had seen me do it. Always awkward. I did the same once when a stand-up friend of mine, Roisin was phoning me and I was in a beer garden and she was outside looking through the gate and I cut the call off twice (Just because we were doing some photos) and she saw all! Luckily she thought it quite amusing. So back to Thursday, James, Leon and I all got very drunk although the boys were far worse than me. I got a kebab on the way home and the meat tasted like bark from a tree. The last text I sent to Leon said , "Shit man, the cab driver's playing Bergerac!" to which he responded "Tune!" Ah, a sign of a good night.

Friday I had a couple of beers in Camden and got home at a reasonable hour, I'm getting better no? The conversation came up again about girls drinking pints and the lads opinion's were mixed. Do you know what though? I really, really don't care anymore what a man might or might not think of a pint drinking girl. Its like, SO WHAT. Don't talk to me then, it matters not to me.

Saturday arvo I was waiting for Ma and Pa to come over whilst watching TV. The show was Britain's Got Talent but the ITV2 one, hosted by Steven "always on the outside lookin in" Mulhern. Anyway, I did a double take when watching cause there before me, trying out for the show was a stand-up comic called Joel Elnaugh. Now, this guy is a quirky fellow and not every one's cup of tea but I happen to like his stuff and his style. He's a bit of a mystery to be honest. Anyway, he went on the show and Simon Cowell & co. were HORRID to him and the audience were being mental animals and shrieking "Off off off!" whilst laughing and going mad. It. WAS. SICKENING. I thought they were absolute pigs to him. And what is it with their mob mentality? It reminded me of Elizabethan Theatre with the Paupers in the Pit being all drunk and unruly whilst simultaneously "bear baiting". Fucking awful and made me feel a little bit sick. Freaks.

Anyway - Saturday I stayed in as usual and Sunday morning headed off early to the studio to the radio show. It was a great one actually, that is, I enjoyed it. Sunday afternoon I was umming and erring about going to a BBQ with my mate Sam and her fiance. Glen. Anyway - I decided to go and got very very drunk indeed which meant I couldn't go on to the party afterwards in Clapham. I had such a lovely time and a guy I've known for a long time asked me out (guy from last saturday at her house for lunch), and so I have a date on thursday! So, we shall see how it goes...

Tomorrow I'm going to Margate with my Pa. It would have been my Grandad's birthday tomorrow (had he not have died) and so we're going to one of the places he liked best, to have shell fish and stare at the big wheel at Bem Bom Brothers (or is it Dreamland again) wistfully. I never got to go in there when I was a young pup, and the one time I did when I was older, I was bitterly disappointed. Stupid wheel, looking all inviting...

And finally, next week it is of course Catface Comedy (13th May) to be precise and tickets seriously are selling quickly so I would recommend you reserve in advance if you are coming.
You can do this by emailing

I hope your weekend's were as cool as mine, until next time.

Tuesday, 28 April 2009

Your shake is like a fish, you pat me on the head.... You took me out to wine, dine, 69 me, but didn't hear a damn word I said.

Economy driving is my game at the moment. Whenever I'm watching that Money Saving Expert on GMTV I always think gosh, that looks like a drag. But now I'm thinking, hmmmm I really should invest some time in this situation and already I've saved myself £80! Thanks Money Saving Expert and my now not so lazy ass! My sister was saying I should go Pay as you go on my mobile, but I can't bear the thought of having to say to someone "Can you call me back because I haven't got any credit". Also I've had the same number now for years and I'm kinda attached to it. Silly eh?

OMG Spotify RULES! I've revisited Alanis Morrisette's "Jagged Little Pill" today. Great great album. Reminds me of the good old days when I ran for Head Girl at school age 17. My friend Siobhan and I ran a tight campaign (she was my deputy). We erected huge banners around the school in the dead of night and wore sunglasses, black roll neck jumpers and black trousers so as to blend in with the darkness. The day we LOST the campaign coming SECOND, we walked out of school at 11am and headed to her house where we drank port and lemonade and listened to Jagged Little Pill. Then we decided to go out on the lash in Bromley. Happy days. I still think that whole thing was a fix, cos I was well popular with the students but the teachers didn't take me seriously. I have no idea why.
Although, saying that I did end up jacking my A-Levels in about three months later and going to Orpington College to do them instead. IN YOUR FACE, SCHOOL! I passed with flying colours! ALL THREE. Yeah man, POKE IT!

I had a nice weekend. I ended up doing my three centre with GUSTO. Finishing up in Clapham at a pub where I'd filmed a big section of the documentary I was in in 2005 on BBC3. ("How to get Lucky with Leanne") SO, it kind of depressed me to be back there again. I decided to combat this depression by getting in every single photo that my mate was taking for Ollie's 30th Birthday. Yeah. Good one. At one point I made ALL of the lads pick me up. In my head I looked really gorgeous in this photo but in the cold light of Facebook, I looked like Shamu. It had to go.

Saturday I had a hangover AND the fear which was a bit crap. Luckily, the night wasn't as bad as I'd imagined so all was good. I was due to go to my mate Sam's house to meet her fiance' and see the kids. They'd invited their friend over as well to make up the numbers which was nice of them. I knew their mate anyway having worked with him 12 years ago at TV Travel Shop. AS it was such a lovely day we ended up sitting out in the back garden and drinking beer and then had a lovely lunch. I actually quite liked the friend, he's very funny which I happen to find agreeable. I dunno, it was refreshing you know to be in a laid back, comfortable and enjoyable situation. Note to self: I must hang around with these non-pretentious types more often.

Sunday I didn't do the radio show cause I didn't feel well but perked up later on in the arvo. I decided to trek up to Blackheath to see the donkeys. They were as sad as ever but I noticed they had some water which was nice. My friend came to meet me and we went for a drink. Unfortunately the night before she'd been in quite a rough pub in Bromley and had been attacked by this FREAK of a girl. It was a case of mistaken identity it turned out, but tell that to my mate who had half of her hair ripped out. Disgusting scum. We had a nice time despite this unhappy news and I headed back at about 8:30pm. The sun was just setting across the heath and it looked beautiful.

Just had a quick revisit to the theme tune from "Cities of Gold" on youtube with my friend Joel. Bless him he was like "Yeah the bird, the gold bird! The gold bird that flies. It flies. See? Its flying." hahahaha.

Until next time.