Wednesday, 28 May 2008
Remember that day Morton? Remember that day when The Sun Always Shines on TV was playing on the radio and I was 6 yrs old and it came on the air waves and I started crying cause I wanted all my family out of the room so I could listen to it alone. And remember that day when I got that T-shirt of A-ha printed up at Butlins and then when my mum washed it, all your faces went wrinkly, even Pal's. Rememeber that day when I got the words to The Sun Always Shines On TV out of "Lookin" mag and I got my dad to photocopy them at his work and I handed them out to all my friends at school? And finally, do you remember that day when I discovered that the WHORE in the Take On Me Video (Bunty her name is) was actually your real life girlfriend. I think you can imagine what my reaction was. (they've split now FYI)
I'm going to Sweden (stockholm) on business in the next couple of weeks so I plan to make some norwegian contacts during my time there. Hopefully this will lead to the marriage of Morton and I. Fingers Crossed.
I'm off to the gym in a minute. I just can't face Ibiza with this much extra flabbage, its just not cricket. Oh if only I was one of those naturally skinny birds who can trough as many burgers as they desire. I desire many you see. I just want to want not to eat. Like one of those girls who say things like "Oops I forgot to eat". See I forget I have eaten and double my portion size consequently. When I split with my ex I was over come with grief so couldn't eat which was GREAT. I lost like a stone, but have since put it pretty much all back on, cause all's well in my world.
So I'm thinking colonic irrigation. Me and a mate were talking about this saturday and I'm thinking its the way forward. Then I saw Gina Yashere on Loose Women and she's a shadow of her former self thanks to this procedure. She looked really slim and she says that there's like 20lbs of waste-age in most people. That would explain it completely with me. I think I would be really embarrassed, not because of the bottom exposure but more cause of the smell. Contrary to popular belief (and I know you all believe this) but my poo poo doesn't smell like roses. Imagine the poor lady doing the sucking. She must have to wear like a gas mask. If anyone reading this blog has any info on this procedure, it would be greatly appreciated.
Right better go and fat about down the gym.
Monday, 26 May 2008
On the saturday I was due to go to Lavisfest which was my mate's 30th birthday party. It was very cool. We'd all chipped in £15 each and her friend, Lucinda had lent us her dad's field in Oxford. With the money we got portable loo's, a marquee, a stage, a pa system and decks, a bouncy castle, hot dog stand, etc etc just like a proper festival. It were ace I have to say. I've never gone to a festival before and I felt all cool and with it.
We held our own talent contest and I MC'd. I had a really good gig. Bearing in mind I only knew about 8 people there, there were around 100 people altogether so I was actually quite nervous as it was set up so properly so I was well pleased. Here are some photys.
The next morning it chucked it down and suddenly camping turned evil. I also lost my voice from shouting so much, & have since been holed up in my flat relaxing. All in all a top weekend though. Work tomorrow though BOO.
Friday, 23 May 2008
I think I must be in season cause last night I had a dream about Sexy Psycho Sean off Eastenders. I know why I dreamt of him, its cause I was watching 'stenders the other day and I was thinking how very lucky Tanya was, cause she's got Sexy Psycho after her AND that nice man from The Bill. I bet Minty's well gutted being lumbered with Hevver. haahaa. Anyway, in my dream Psycho Sean was being all Kill-y. He said he wanted to kill me! I "convinced" him not to. heh heh heh. Good old psycho dreams.
This week's been fun. I went to see a mate in a show which was pretty good. A few years back we'd had a little, ya know.. thing. Anyway I always try to be reserved whenever I see him but as alcohol's usually involved this never normally works. This situation was no different for I distinctly remember towards the end of the evening, casually pointing at him whilst chatting to his mate and declaring knowingly, "He's well good at shagging he is". Great days.
Good news. Catface Comedy (stand-up) show is BACK! Starting 3rd July and it's going to be better than ever. SOOOOOOOOO exciting. It's on at the Slaughtered Lamb in Clerkenwell the first thursday of every month. The room's well nice, really kitsch (hate that word but only adjective for it) and all coool like down with the kids etc. Come along its going to be ACE.
Tonight my friend Okse is coming to stay, we're doing podcast stuff and catching up etc. And tomorrow I have LAVIS FEST in Oxford. Should be much fun. Monday I have drinks in Southbank and then I'm going to go watch the Gong at the Comedy Store cause one of my friend's is in it so want to support. Bank Holiday is always mental there and last time I went I found the audience most unruly.
You have yourselves a good bank holiday ya hear.
Wednesday, 21 May 2008
If you've seen the latest video starring Madonna and Justin Timberlake you'll know what I mean. It's not so much the girating they do up against one another, its the bits where Madonna appears to be making "Word" symbol whilst bobbing in front of the camera - as in, "whaddup word" Not sure of what context most homeys use this in, but when Madonna does the "word" thing she just looks like an embarrassing mum doing Dad dancing. That's right.
I wish I looked like her though - and she's 50. :-(
Another one that needs to turn it in is that bloody Alice Von doo daa woman off London Lite's single girl about town column. She is AWFUL. I think I might hate her. Her article this week consisted of her talking about her stupid boyfriend catching her slobbing about in her "tracky pants" (Cringe) by requesting to speak to her via web-cam. YAWN. "Tracky Pants" has just gone on my list of awful words. Bring back big chin, thats what I say at least she was funny.
(For those of you who have no idea what I am referring to, the London Lite is a newspaper which is for the cosmopolitan predominantly female reader about town. The section is supposed to be about a single "girl about town" who is wearing a see through dress. She drones on about her boyfriend called GI James and pretends to be with it and cool. GET RID.)
So my sofa is FINALLY coming tomorrow 16 weeks late! See here for the bare faced lies that the poxy sales man told me when I purchased it. http://leannediggins.blogspot.com/2008/02/you-and-your-friends-boxes-of-ten.html STUPID NOBS.
I seem a bit cranky today don't I? Well I'm not, I feel quite jolly infact. I think its because I'm in love (as briefly mentioned in yesterday's bullet point blog). Tiz my dentist who is the man of my dreams. I have been going to see him for a little under a year and always recognised his very handsome face, but looks don't do it for me (see my track record for evidence of this) tiz personality that counts (don't see my track record for evidence of this) and as I have continued to see him as my teeth are so rotten, I have grown to become healthily obsessed with him. Unfortunately, now my teeth are in pristine condition and I shan't see my love for 6 whole months. When I lie on the chair thing I can't actually look him in the eye because I go bright red and start shaking. Its the angle I look up at him from - makes me do a massive cherry. He, is beautiful. I'm happy to think of just him for a whole six months. Until next time sweet dentist man, until next time.
So! I have an action packed next few days ahead of me. Tomorrow I am seeing Mrs Hevver, and then friday Mr Okse comes to visit catface manor. We're doing podcast stuff, I want to make my own jingles as well for my radio show. And then SATURDAY I am going to my friends 30th. This is in the form of a festival. We have a field in Oxford which we shall be camping out in all weekend and in general have loads of fun. I expect to take my camera and then post up on facebook me and my friends having an hilarious time being all quirky and festival-ness. I plan to label all pictures with funny captions and I'm HOPING for rain so we can go "Oh no, thats all we need tch!" etc etc.
Then its Bank Holiday Monday and I do not plan to spend it like last time. Holed up in bed, unable to move for fear that my head would explode. Stoopid hangover. Nope monday I am meeting my mates Andrew and James to discuss this whole comedy thing.
And finally, I hope you're ok.
Tuesday, 20 May 2008
2. I'm thinking of getting my pubes lazored.
3. I am in love with my dentist.
4. That's not why I'm getting my pubes lazored.
5. I have booked my flight to Australia.
6. I go to Ibiza in less than a month.
7. I'm finally doing podcast stuff this friday with Okse cause he's coming to visit yay!!
8. I'm back on a diet.
9. I've got the snuffles.
10. My teeth hurt.
11. I hate that poster of the man with the belted chest about heart attacks and chest pain.
12. I watched Broke Back Mountain. Didn't like it much.
13. I cried AGAIN at Gavin and Stacey last night. Like properly.
14. Cried AGAIN at Dr. Who
15. Still culling on Facebook.
16. Going to see some impro tomorrow night I reck.
17. Still looking for more MCing work.
18. Still looking forward to SW1 Radio.
19. Couldn't sleep the other night so joined in with LBC Radio, London's biggest conversation - cause me mate Anthony was presenting. I commented on Cruises and kids of today.
20. And finally, I really love my dentist.
Thursday, 15 May 2008
Recently I've had contact from a few people, asking me to do 10 spots at their clubs, but I've decided that I mainly want to stick to MCing.... (OR 15-20 spots if they're outta town) cause thats more helpful with the old radio, yet I can still get new material from it etc. Not only will I be shortly starting my own comedy night in Greenwich - I hope to guest MC for various nights as well. So I'm trying to say no to people but I keep feeling all obliged to say "yeah". Just say "no" Leanne!
Last night I was sat on my sofa with my laptop, and my flat was all pink cause of the sunset and I thought "I really like my life" What a nice feeling. It might have been something to do with the fact that The Apprentice was due to start in 45mins from that time, but moments like that make me feel smiley. I've deleted my dating profile from the internet site I was with as well. WOW. I feel all spring cleany.
Although I feel happy, I also feel sad about all the murders going on around London. I know its hyped up but that one with Jimmy in Lee was extra horrid. They've released a video of him on his birthday dancing to "Love Shack" all unassuming. I've got a video of me dancing to Love Shack when I was ten. :-( Lee's just down the road from me and I hate the thought of all them knives being carried about. There just doesn't seem to be any limits. :-(
Sorry a bit depressing.
This weekend sees me hanging out with Karen and getting my feet done and jogging. Then Sunday we are confirming and booking Australia with full itintery. SOOOO exciting! I am actually going to the other side of the world. Too much fun.
Right, I'm off to get me' nails done.
Tuesday, 13 May 2008
Later on, I headed straight to the first of two parties. It was my mate James's birthday and it dawned on me as I headed on down there that I wouldn't know that many people. It turned out all ok though thanks to the crowd being so lovely along with the wine. I had many a debate about The Apprentice. God people don't 'alf hate Alex eh? I think he's a nob but he is SO pretty. *sigh* I didn't end up leaving there until 10pm upon which I jumped in a cab to my next party in Farringdon.
By the time I got there I was pretty drunk and went off on a rampage because loads of old pals were present. I remember suggesting marriage to an old friend of mine to which he agreed! That's settled then I thought. Suddenly it was the next day and I was at my mate Leon's house on the sofa. I tapped Steve who was on the floor demanding to know how I ended up in Chislehurst. Turns out, my nice friends were concerned for me heading back alone. I think this might have had something to do with me snogging a GIRL (what the?), and then when not being allowed back into the party by the (I assume) homophobic bouncer, arguing my "gay rights" in a highly indignant manner- they thought it was time to go. Probably right.
So that was fun. Sunday we went for a fry up and then Katie picked me up and we went for a catch up... Later on I went for a sunbathe in the garden and it was so sweet cause Timmy my little cat came and sunbathed next to me.
When my mum and dad took me home we got caught in a huge traffic jam which promoted anger from all sides. I decided to lighten the mood by pointing out that this time together in the confined space of the car could be used for a bonding session. We sang "Islands in the stream" and other such MAGIC FM classics. Thank god they didn't play "Zoom" by Fat Larry. I hate that one.
When I got home I'd been inundated with DATING requests from the site I'm on. The latest one is only 24 but very pretty. We had lots of emails and then I sort of went off him cause he asked me what my heritage was. Needless to say I'm still meeting with him next week. Eyes on the Prize Leanne, eyes on the prize.
I'm finally going to get to watch Galdiators tonight, one of my team kindly recorded this and its been flying round MTV like wild fire. My turn tonight! I'm looking forward to seeing "Battleaxe" I've heard she's a right moose.
Friday, 9 May 2008
I've secured the venue now for my 30th Birthday Party. The problem with me is, when I throw a party I become quite obsessive about it. This year is even worse being that I'm turning 30. PAH! Its the only way I can get through the "change" I guess.
I've hired the downstairs of the Slaughtered Lamb in Clerkenwell on the recommendation of one of my colleagues at MTV who had DJ Yoda at her 30th there a year or so back. I already have one of my DJ's hired who's excellent and I'm looking to get another one, maybe two. Its a tough job because I don't want a "Dave's Disco" type but then again I don't want anything which leans towards just one genre of music.
The theme of the evening is My Super Sweet 30th and will include me and my "backing dancers" wowing the crowd with an amazing dance. Because let's face it, it's all about me. http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=t3NoojYtkHI On top of this there will of course be one of my legendary Dance Off's which I already have volunteers for. It consists of two teams of 10, a whistle blower, stop clock man/woman, 2 judges and a compere. Sooo much fun.
I did a big cull on my Facebook the other day and it felt great.
It's making me laugh about the "Stop Boris" in 2012 Facebook group that's going round. Cause that's productive isn't it. Haa Haaa. Don't you get it? It's too late - he's in and he cycled to work. Yeah thats right, cycled! I bet he didn't cycle the next day though. I think give him a chance and stop whinging. (Ooooh controversial. YAWN.)
I'm so looking forward to Peep Show tonight. What a great, great show. It didn't get an amazing review in the Metro - but I beg to differ, I loved it and watched the first episode twice. It's the best thing on TV at the moment, other than the Apprentice. Which incidently was extra great on Wednesday. Oh Alex you're so pretty but such a twat. Good riddance to that vile bitch Jennifer (not the irish one). She is disgusting. She reminds me of the first female manager I had when I started work in central London when I was 19. I was the "front of house" receptionist at a Car Show room in Park Lane. In those days I was WELL fit so it made all the business men want to buy cars...(in my head)
They used to call my boss the "Pig with Lipstick". She was such a bully. She was about 28 and I thought she knew everything as I was extra naive in those days. I remember one day I had abdominal pains and I asked if I could go home to go to the doctors and she kept saying no. Eventually she let me go at 5:30pm (half hour before I was due to leave anyway). I went to the doctors and wound up in hospital for 5 days. Nice one. Fuckin' bitch.
Some female bosses are mentalists. With balls of steel (or so they convey) and shoulder pads to match, they bark orders at work, make their staff cry and secretly love it. Then they go home to their pathetic friendless lives and hope and pray that the next day will come around soon so that they can make people feel shit at work again, because deep down they hate themselves more. That's Jennifer that is.
You know what that Claire reminds me of in The Apprentice? She reminds me of "Maz" off Holiday Reps. She has the same whiney voice and sentences that seem to finish on the same irritating note. And she talks a load of office jargon in the hope that people won't realise that she's actually extremely thick.
This weekend I have much planned. This evening I am going to see Avenue Q once again as it's so fantastic and I fancy one of the puppeteers. Tomorrow I am meeting with a pal in the arvo, and in the evening I have not one, but two parties to go to. Ah a two centre evening. Nice.
Sunday I am heading back to Orpington to see Ma and Pa, possibly go and play rounders in Bromley with some pals and catch up with me' old mate Katie. Action packed just how I like it.
Wednesday, 7 May 2008
Yes, it's all very pleasant and I've only had a couple of weird situations but its quite simply, draining. Like I'm currently in the middle of email chats with this guy who I am meeting next week and I'm finding it hard work. Don't get me wrong, he seems lovely but I am so over the pleasantries. Lets just have a row, I'll win, and then lets marry. It's not so difficult is it?
So I had a message on my Facebook wall today from someone who reads my blog to say that they read it cause it makes them feel better about their own non-existent sex life. ERM, just because I don't blabber on about sex doesn't mean I don't get any! Ever heard of an FB? (And I don't mean Facebook) Yeah thats right EFF. BEE. my friend... christ, who am I kidding, even that's not consistent of late. Plus the term FB makes me cringe. oh well. Feel even better now Andrew do ya? (Remember that time you fell over outside Caroline's and you landed NEXT to a banana skin? Great days!)
So I caught some of "Too fat to Toddle" last night on ITV1 and it was horrid and UNTRUE. Most of the kids were over toddler age and could walk. So... Too fat to walk more like. But they could walk - so it was basically a show full of untruths and just fatties who cried if they didn't get enough grub. I know that feeling so I felt for them.
Kids on TV are getting on my nerves lately. Ben from Eastenders being the main culprit. He speaks like a baby. Is he putting it on cause he's meant to be deaf or something? Or has he really got a voice like Ralph Wiggum? If Phil really was his dad he would SO not have that.
The Apprentice is on tonight THANK GOD. A bit of good telly for once!
Tuesday, 6 May 2008
The night ended at some point I think. I've flashes of being at home (around 10:50pm) and wondering where Louisa (my mate) had gone. Then I remember coming to, and Louisa still wasn't there (this was around 12:30pm) - I thought I'd lost my mobile and was desperately trying to remember her number out of my head (I know it when I'm sober). Suddenly she picked up her phone and was outside my flat. She got home to me, in no less than two hours after I did. What the...
The next morning we tried to piece back what could have happened in the missing two hours. We did this by power of call registers/missed calls, & voicemails on our phones. The first contact made was me leaving Louisa a voicemail at 10:30pm saying "Looweeeeeza whare arrr yooooooooooooo?" Somehow after that call, Louisa got my mobile phone so we must have met up again briefly after which we promptly separated again. She then proceeded to call my phone during the missing 2 hours (in her own bag) ten times.
I checked my work-mobile call register and I'd called my mate Leon. I spoke to him yesterday and apparently when I'd called him Sunday night at 11pm (which I do NOT remember) I was saying "I've lost Louisa! Can you call her??? I'll read her number out and you call her." And he was like, "Why don't you just call her then?" and I was like "Cause I'm having to GUESS her number Leon! Obviously. You're being a dick." Leon thinks this was hilarious and now keeps mailing me asking for Louisa's number.
In all seriousness I hate mental nights like that. One's where I can't remember how I got home, so very very dangerous. The last time I did that was three years ago in Austria. I'd gone out on my own cause I didn't wanna hang with my ma and pa again, and I got battered with the only english speaking person in the village. I'm just thankful all is well with us, although there was considerable puking going on round mine yesterday. Off the booze for a while me thinks.
So "Look" magazine is out today avec my feature in it. Its a bit cringey and not entirely accurate - saying that I get £100 a gig! Ha! I wish! They asked me what the most I'd been paid was and I told them £100 which is true for a 20 min spot. I also made it clear that I am only really paid consistently for compering but whatever, I'm in a glossy mag so 'ave it!
Sunday, 4 May 2008
My pals are coming over today for some lunch and then we're heading out into Greenwich for some jolly japes. I could do with cheering up cause the guy I was meant to be seeing tomorrow has blown me out :-(. Its typical ain't it, the one time my fake tan goes right and I don't look like a leopard. BAH.
I'd properly married him in my head as well. Well, not really, but he was one of FEW who had something about them I actually liked. DOH. Dunno why he bothered asking me out again though really. Ah well....Luckily, I have my big pointy foam glove here, so join me whilst I double point at the sky and then down to the floor all together now, Another one bites the dust etc etc. NEXT. *sigh*
I remember when I was at TV Travel Shop and we actually did have those foam gloves and when someone would resign and get escorted from the building we would chant and point to them on their way out...(the ex employee gave us the thumbs up and a wink). One month 63 people handed their notice in. I got escorted from the building as well when I resigned but I dunno why cause I was a shit seller. I just couldn't lie. One of my colleagues used to tell their customers that there was only one room left and that it was FLASHING on his computer screen. I'd lean over and see that there were 11 rooms left. How did he sleep at night eh? Good old TV travel shop.
So I've got a notice board in my kitchen (a cat one) and I'm trying to make it look casually rugged and all random. Like ya know when you go into one of your cool friends houses and they have a notice board with important numbers, maybe an outstanding bill, a photo of them being all zany, a couple of cab numbers for unexpected gentleman callers, a menu maybe, that type of thing. Mine did have my polling card on it, but now the election's over it's bare again. Right I'm off to make it look casual and rugged and cool (a bit like when I spend ages putting loads of make up on to make it look like I haven't got any on at all) also better get preparing lunchy - we're having rack of lamb, roast potatoes and assorted veg. YUMMY!
Bless you and all that sail in you.
Friday, 2 May 2008
I'm so glad its the bank holiday weekend. I have much planned, drinks with friends and dinner on Sunday and a date with a rather nice man on Monday along the Southbank. Back to work Tuesday though which SUX.
I don't have AMAZING amounts of things to discuss today cause I'm well busy at work. However, I received another comment from Anonymous today which I rejected because it's contents bordered on malicious (and it had not a scrap of humour in it).
It was concerning my ex-boyfriend Gareth and a bit below the belt. One thing this tells me is, it's someone that we both may know of which is genuinely a big shame. Jealousy is a very ugly trait. It also says that this person can't hate my blog that much if they came back for more. Never the less, If Anonymous posts a comment again it will be deleted without being read. Thanks though, you have made my week marginally more interesting. :-)
Have a great weekend!
Thursday, 1 May 2008
I felt strangely excited when I read it though. I tried to work out who it might be from, but most of the people I know have basic grammatical skills and can spell, so I've ruled out that it's someone I know well. BUT, that's not to say I don't know of them. I find that prospect exciting (and hope it's the case, cause that means its definitely someone who is all jealous and stuff and wish they were me) and this in turn propels me into writing MUCH more frequently.
So today is voting day in London for a new Mr Mayor (I hope). Unlike other Mayor's across the country who's main tasks are to open libraries and shops, the one for London is actually accountable for how the city is run on many levels. I for one do not wish for a Mayor who sounds like 'Chris Rabbit' from Henry's Cat but we shall see.
Nearly time for bank holiday weekend and I have lots planned, seeing family girlfriends AND the guy I went out with on Monday. He texted me no less than two days later to see if I wanted to meet again. Now did he two day rule me? I'm so out of touch. I think he did. Anyway we're going out on Monday which I'm looking forward to.
So today I had a 'moment' at London Bridge. Many years ago I would travel into London Bridge station to get to my job and I would ride the train with my then partner. I remember we would stand at the end of the platform smoking miserably both in our own worlds before we were forced to brave the tube. I distinctly remember feeling extra shit and thinking the old chestnut "Is this all there is? There must be more to life". Then, with a heavy heart I'd sigh and head off to the tube.
I worked at Interim Technology Training, which was an IT training company in Green Park and whilst the women there were great (most of which I am still very good friends with today) the job itself was depressing and repetitive. Today I got a train into London Bridge and walked to the end of the platform and stood there for a bit and tried to see if I felt as shit as I had back then. I didn't. I can only presume this is a good thing. I put on my IPOD then and Ian Brown's F.E.A.R was playing.....I took this as a sign of something positive, but I dunno what.
In other news, the trip to Australia has become even more exciting. I got back in touch with a friend of mine who lives in Singapore, so on the way to Oz we're going to stop off and stay with her for a bit. After which we fly to Melbourne for a few days, then fly to Adelaide, then fly to Sydney to travel up the East Coast. Then (wee wee wee) fly all the way home. I can't f*cking wait.