Tuesday, 29 April 2008

Ask yourself this question: Do you want to be rich?

Right, I've ordered a "Fit Bug" and this time I MEAN IT. No more silly eating/drinking/sitting etc. I couldn't face Weight Watchers today cause I just know that I won't have lost anything. Nope, drastic action is in order so I've retrieved my gym bag from under my desk and I'm taking it home tonight to wash its contents. Baby steps eh.

I had a really pleasant rest of my weekend. Sunday my pals Lauren and Sophie came over and I cooked us a sumptuous roast dinner and for afters we had Sara Lee chocolate gateaux. Thats right. I ate loads and couldn't move.

Last night I went out on a date! I had decided to jack in the old web dating thing cause of late I've been meeting people through "natural causes" so thought there was no point to the interweb. But then I got an email from someone and I thought I'd give it one last go and agreed to go out on a date last night.

I have to say I wasn't really looking forward to it initially (felt knackered yesterday) but when I got there I soon cheered up as he had bought me a pint already on the back of an email he'd sent me to ask what i drank at gigs! Men these days aren't usually so chivalrous so that was a real plus point. And we actually had a jolly time so I was pretty pleased all in all. Didn't even need to enforce the two drink rule.

The rest of the week for me is a QUIET one, not only owing to lack of funds but also because I have been over-doing it of late on the going out front. Some real sleep wouldn't go amiss ya know. Its bank hols this weekend and I think the girls and I are going off to Brighton on sunday weather permitting. So that means we probably won't go.

Saturday, 26 April 2008

I know you have a little life in you yet...

So! Its a saturday night and I've just got home (sober) and I feel like writing tons of stuff. The thing is, my mum and dad read this blog so I can't talk about rudey feelings - which is what I fancy talking about. Not like my pal Caroline who says it like it is (dawg). (http://www.dayinpictures.co.uk/) Like she openly announced she "got some" the other day and I was so in awe of her. My blog's so tame in comparison. Shall I? Shan't I? Shall I be honest for once readers? Answers on a comment below.

In other news - I am slightly annoyed. Here's how it is. You know when you feel like you're being mugged off? Like when you know something - but others don't realise you know so are all secret squirrel around you but the thing is you DO know but you don't give a FUCKING SHIT and you really think GOOD LUCK TO YOU. You know when you feel like that? Well that's how I feel today. And now I seem secret squirrel. But I cannot divulge. Its just... I. DO. KNOW. So kiss my fat arse.

And it is fat. But I kinda like it. Specially at present cause my friend did air brush tanning on it t'other day and it was ace. We erected a large tent in my kitchen and it took up the whole room and I was naked! And it was COLD. But then I was a berry made of brown. I always find a tan makes one look less fat. We couldn't get the tent back down after sprayage and we ended up using string. I crunched it down in me' mate's car boot and then shouted "GO GO GO!" indicating for her to shut it fast or it'd ping back up. This took three tries. I became aware that it may have looked to innocent passers by as though we were disposing of a dead body. Oh well.

Life eh? I feel so reflective today but strangely content. So strange infact that I think (think) that I might be better from the anxiety you know. I have joined a chat forum for this and there's a "success stories" section and I'm tempted to put something in it. But for some reason I'm too scared. I don't want to write I feel ok in case I go back down again. Plus the people I talk to are so so lovely I don't want to leave them. Does that sound stoopid? Probably. But the main thing is - I'm almost scared to say this, but life has changed and I feel so much more myself again. infact, I quite like myself if I'm honest. Me and my fat arse.

So I got a friend request today on Facebook from this guy I went on a date with about four years ago. I'd met him the sunday before in "Walkabout" in Bromley and me and my mate were mashed. I remember there were lads and there was one there alot inches from my face. Then it appeared we were snogging. Then it was the next day and my phone had a new number in it. Now dear reader I cannot remember what he looked like but we had arranged a date and I was going.

When I got to the pub for the date, he texted to say he would be ten minutes late. I sat down with a glass of red wine waiting with anticipation hoping that he wasn't going to be rough. A man entered the pub and looked around in a quixotic fashion. He had a carrier bag (I thought this weird but quirky). I raised my eyebrows as if to convey "is it you?" He raised his eyebrows back which to me confirmed this. He ambled over and we shook hands, I noticed his finger nails were dirty. I gestured for him to sit down and would he like a drink (?) to which he obliged. At this point a member of bar staff came over and went "Nigel, now you know you're not supposed to be in here... off you go." And then looked at me and went "Tch! Sorry about that, he's the local tramp and often comes in here. "

I felt great, as you can imagine.

Hmmmm... So I'm looking out over the Londinium skyline and wondering what to do. I had a good pal come over today My mate sam. S'funny, cause we fell out for a year or so but we had such a lovely friendship that we've just found our way back again. Back in November I was meant to see her, but I was busy thinking that I was going to get dumped by my boyfriend, so cancelled. But today, seeing her daughter again was lovely. I used to babysit her when she was three, and she's eight now and really cool. She also has a little babba and he is soooo lovely. I picked him up and felt so comfortable. (Not that comfortable) but there was a time when I wouldn't touch a child ever for fear of breaking them.

It all stems back to the time when I dropped my cousin Ryan when he was a baby. I was ten and he was sick on my sock. The warmth from the puke freaked me out so I threw him on the floor. I remember covering my face and chanting over and over "I dropped him, I dropped him" In my head though, I was on the soap opera "Neighbours" and my being dramatic was endearing, I didn't really care. Often as a child I had an invisible audience. Ever since then I've had issues with holding babbas. Also their heads are so squishy. Too squishy in fact.

Anyway - a rambly blog which I've enjoyed writing.


Friday, 25 April 2008

Nothings gonna ever slow us down (do ya wanna go faster baby? Do ya wanna go faster?)

Very interesting gig last night. I was compering in Hammersmith at the Metro for a new act night (which was really a mix of new acts and old acts doing some new stuff).

When I arrived I saw Steve Bennett (a reviewer from Chortle) so immediately tried to work out who he was there to see. My questions such as "Why are you here then Steve?" didn't seem to work cause he simply answered "to see some Comedy Leanne". I was like "God don't you ever get bored?" to which he replied "No, do you?" To which I replied "Yes all the time." Still I was no closer to working out who he could be reviewing.

Anyway, the night was a free night of comedy - I'd forgotten what this usually means. Soon I would be reminded. The ratio of men to women was exceptionally good so this was pleasing. As the gig got underway lots of pissed people came wondering in but refused to sit down, instead preferring to stagger around at the back heckling (poorly) under their breath. Unfortunately they'd missed my explanation of the premise of the evening (new act night) and also that if they wanted to heckle they could heckle just me.

I felt that going back up and re-reminding the audience of this, may seem patronising to the acts - highlighting that some of their stand-up may not have been as well received as it might of. To be fair the audience (pretty much all of them) were MASHED. In the end I had to speak with the bar staff to say I may need to remove some of them and luckily he obliged in supporting me and I was to just give him the nod. One of the mashed men asked me if they could come back and do a spot another night which would involve him getting his cock out. Well! You can imagine what I said to that. Yes of course! *sigh*

Despite being really drunk most of the audience were quite obediant and receptive when I was on stage and the bar man said it was because I have teacherish tones, and Steve Bennett said that I might remind them of their mothers. Ha!

Later on when the last act was on stage, some hecklers at the back took offense to his political material and started saying things like "Get off" etc... It really was all a bit mental. One of those nights. Still, I have to say I quite enjoyed myself. My attitude to them could have gone either way but somehow the no-nonsense approach worked, and I seemed to be liked. My favourite part was when about 10 lads were all chanting "Strip, strip, strip." I felt truly loved at this stage dear reader.

One audience member in particular seemed to like me quite a bit - and he gave me his card. I think he might have loved me. Back of the net.

Such a strange dynamic in a room like that. My friend Louisa said she felt really initimdated by the crowd and especially felt for the very new acts cause you didn't know if they crowd were going to slate them. Sometimes they did, and other times they were so very nice. This very very new act who was only 19 was extremely nervous (and I don't blame him - pit and Lion springs to mind) forgot his train of thought and it was very uncomfortable to witness as the pause went on for a while - but the audience started clapping and cheering and shouting words of encouragement. It was actually quite lovely to see. I wonder if any of the audience will remember the night though... I very much doubt it.

So I read in the paper today a really weird story where a woman has been presented a £75 fine cause her daughter dropped a bit of her sausage roll (litter lout).... by the time the fine had been presented however, a sea gull had come down and flown off with the offending pastry but the fine was still given. What? What the?

So glad its friday although my weekend is unbelievably busy but should be a lovely one. Tomorrow I have a really old girlfriend coming over with her kids and sunday another couple of pals coming for sunday lunch. Lamb is the plan. My very very favourite.

I hope your weekend is of a high standard.

Thursday, 24 April 2008

I get a feeling when I look at you wherever you go now, I wanna be there too.

I'm being a bit slack with the old bloggy eh? So here's an update on my life. I've got a gig tonight at the Metro in Hammersmith where I shall be compering and becoming BEZZIE mates with the audience. I hope they're a friendly lot. I've got some new stuff to try but since thinking about it, I realise that one of the things I thought was fact about an animal is actually something I made up in my head. I can't believe my brain would be so cruel. It ruins the whole joke as its now built on lies.... so that just leaves John Prescott. ;-) (NO NO NO) Talking of fat people I had a really bad dream last night about this FAT beast of an ex of mine. Made me wake up with a bad taste in my mouth and I'm not just talking stale beer.

But on the man front things are still much the same. ALTHOUGH, I have got butterflies at present because of a certain someone but I cannot divulge who this be. So thank you for the butterflies lovely man. Its a nice feeling.

So why are people not commenting on this blog of late? Get commenting - there's always plenty to discuss so S'up wit cha homeys? Did you like that? I did.

So who wants to see my lovely nephew? Ok. Here he is.

He is a CATFACE!

So I'm going jogging Sunday morning in Greenwich Park with one of my neighbours on Sunday. She emailed me on Facebook and I was like YEAH! I'll COME. Then I wrote "EVENTUALLY we'll both look great!" and then I thought HOW RUDE OF ME! So what am I saying that now she looks like shite? I don't know her well enough to say stuff like that. I immediately sent her an apology. But yeah so jogging! Nice one eh?

Only 9 weeks time and I'll be in Ibiza (in the mediteranean sea) with Lauren and I am so excited. We're such old ladies we always go back to the same hotel and resort (cala Longa), right on the beach, not many skinnies knocking about so all good on that front - with Cairo's night club next door for our regular bouts of karaoke to wow the locals.

The hotel is next to another one called the DORADA. One year Lauren and I got very friendly with our hotel's "Animation" team during "Oops up Side ya hair" and they offered us a nightcap in the DORADA. AS we walked into the hotel lobby with our beers an armed security man started shouting at us. He managed to catch us as we tried to shut the lift door as we lamely told him what floor we were on (we both said different floors) and were swiftly escorted off the premises. When we got back to our hotel we proudly told our other mate (who'd gone back to the hotel room early) that we were "Rumbled at the Dorada!". We are REBELS. I'm hoping for more of the same this year.

If ya knocking about in the Hammersmith region tonight come to tonight's gig at the Metro - nearest tube is Westbourne park.

Oh one more thing, just seen George Galloway going down Camden Town High street on the top of a double decker bus blaring out RESPECT by Aretha Franklin. CRINGE.

Monday, 21 April 2008

So lay down on the bed, cause now I've locked the door and we don't live out there no more.

So my sister is married and I am officially the last of the Diggins girls to get hitched. (There are only two of us but still...) The wedding was a small affair with no handsome best men to make a fool of myself in front of so that was a bummer although I did do crying in the registry office! (Unusual for me as I am made entirely of stone....)

I got an email last week from someone on the dating site I'm still signed up to. He seemed interesting as his user name is "Crazy Eyes". I've decided to live dangerously and have agreed to go on a date with him. He's taking me to see some Live Music. I thought that'd be a good idea cause then if his eyes become too crazy I can avert mine and concentrate on the band.

I'm thinking of trying out that "my single best friend" site. Which I believe Sarah Beeney founded. I think this to be a good idea cause look at Sarah, she's always preggers ain't she. One of my mates told me a funny story about this site which intertwined with a funny about Facebook.

This girl (we'll call her Clara) went on a date with someone from my Single Friend website and it went extra well. Then followed a second date which was also exceedingly fantastic. Meanwhile Clara was doing some basic house-keeping on her facebook page and decided to delete her relationship status so that no-one would know if she was single, in a relationship etc etc. On the news feed this shows up as "Clara is no longer listed as single." The guy she'd been seeing was due to call her that day and so far hadn't. When she checked everyone's status updates she saw that he had written "'Pete' is PRESSURE!" She texted him the next day and said "Hey how ya doing?" To which he didn't reply and never did ever again. All because he thought she'd deleted her relationship status and directed it at him. What. A. COCK. Get over yourself!

Talking of singles, I am outraged at the girl they use in the London Lite to represent single young ladies of London. She does a weekly article about her latest shenannigans in "London Tahn", and the trials and tribulations of being a single young lady. Not sure if the picture accompanying the article is the actual girl, but whoever she is, she looks like a gigantic hoe. With a "barely-there" slip dress and a stupid half smile which says nothing more than "Do me" I think this is most uncool. She is slightly better looking than the girl who used to do the single girl article for she had a massive chin. Still, looks like she's got a boyf now so who am I to judge?

So I've got a gig on thursday compering in Hammersmith which I am sure will be much fun. I have some new stuff to try out whilst making sure the audience are in JOLLY mode. Its a new act night I'm told so I'm also looking forward to seeing some fresh blood. And by that I mean handsome young men.

Wednesday, 16 April 2008

I don't want to hate but that's all you've left me with.

I've got a tummy ache today :-( BOO.

Last night I met my friend Caroline and we ended up in the Phoenix. That place is like a kebab. (I only tend to like it when I've had a drink.)

During the evening a man came to speak to Caroline and I at the bar. I kept saying Caroline was a stand-up cause I thought that might make him talk to her and not me. But it didn't work. So In the end I asked him out right, "are you married?" To which he said "yes." So I said "well can you go away please cause you're hindering our chances of pulling." To which he said, "Look, I don't like you and you don't like me." and I said "Correct." and so he said it again, to which I said "Correct." again. I think he was trying to reverse psychology me into saying "No I do like you honest I do." But the fact was he was right. Except he SO liked me.

Last night Caroline advised me to ask out a man I've really liked for a long long time. We devised an email cause I couldn't face full frontal rejection, and when she worded it it sounded so cool, so casual, so flippant. But as I go to draft the email now it sounds so desperate, so obvious, so silly. Its just I once asked a guy out at my work (in 2003) and the rejection was intense. This is how it went.

Me: "So er, Paul... Erm... So.......er........SO! Would you ever um...come out........foradrinkwithme?"
Him: "ERM..."
Me: (Going red)
Him: "Erm....er..."
Me: "Its ok you can say no."
Him: "No then."

Great days.

So I booked tickets to go and see Avenue Q with my Ma. I know she'll love it - its so very good. The booking procedure was highly traumatic and inconvenient. I feel like voicing my concerns to Ticket Master but I can't be arsed.

Tonight I'm meeting Hevver Bevver for our usual catch up session - this again of course means I shall miss Sir Alan. However thanks to BBCi I will catch it later on when I get home. Phew. I must have my dose of Simon and Alex.

I have re-discovered a venue in Greenwich for a top comedy night so please check back here for details of when this will all be up and running. I also with the help of Caroline managed to get some funnys in my head in order - looking forward to trying them out when I MC in Hammersmith next week.

I'm off to Bluewater tomorrow for some buying action. Friday its off to Bournemouth for my sisters wedding. I still haven't managed to secure some facebook friends for the saturday night, so looks like its going to be cocoa and bed for me. Ah its going to be a nice day and its always nice to see my little nephew who actually quite likes me I reckon. I can make him stop crying by singing to him. Its more of a deterrant, cause he just stops crying and eyes me suspiciously. Does the job though. Baby crying does my head in. There was a child grizzling on the train the other day and it wasn't even real tears. Just kinda whinging. The mum seemed immune to it however and I think thats really selfish cause I'm bloody not. I did tutting and looking at her but to no avail. *sigh*

Right bye.

Monday, 14 April 2008

On a flat roof, there's a boy leaning against the wall of rain, aerial held high, calling "come on thunder, come on thunder"

I had a cool weekend - although it started off a little shaky. I went to the Lockside Lounge friday night, despite my not being a fan cause it always gets dark in there (in my head). Friday was no exception. Even though I had a free hot dog I still managed to get outta control.....Telling people things I shouldn't tell them, and following people around I shouldn't follow.

Saturday morning I went through my list of regrets from the previous night's escapades and called kerry. She always puts things straight for me, and I felt much better once I'd gotten off the phone to her. After this I went to Charing Cross as I had a meeting with Electric Mousie types. I wanted to find out how they did stuff cause I'm considering running a venue in cahoots with them. Watch this space for more information.

Saturday night I went to Louisa's to watch Pushing Daisies. I thought this programme was absolute wank. And quite frankly Anny Friel's veneers are laughable. I know you need white teeth when you go to America but hers hardly fit in her mouth. Also the story line is far too sad to be funny.

After this I had a glass of wine and Louisa's mates Gary and Lawrence came over. We stuck on some music and pretty soon we were all doing salsa to Mark Ronson classics. Lots of fun had by all! I had met Gary before at a party at Louisa's and it had been extremely awkward cause when I was going to walk to the train station at the end, he'd offered to walk me there (out of chivalry only, no other motive). However, earlier on in the night another guy had seemed to take a shine to me and as Gary and I walked off down the drive he came running after us saying he'd like to walk me to the station too. So Gary goes "Ok I'll go back to the house..." And the guy goes "No we'll both walk her to the station." And it was really awkward and all done in silence. When we got there we all shook hands.

Yesterday was spent listening to Lousia and her beau puking and then coming back to mine to do chores and cooking. I really really love my flat and spending time in it, I feel so peaceful when I'm there just padding about. All that'd complete this would be a bengal tigey cat. I'd love him and he'd love me.

What about Mark Speight eh? And what part of Paddington station is remote? Apparently he was found in the roof of the station. I read an article on him yesterday from a Journalist who had briefly spoken to him the thursday before his disappearance and he'd allegedly said to her "Can I ask you somthing? Will I ever get through this?" Made me cry. Very sad and all a bit mental really. If someone had said to the couple at Christmas, "hey within 4 months, you'll both be dead"... Its just such a shame....And all a bit fucked up. :-(

Oh well. Hmmm need to end on a happy note. Ah yes, my sister is getting married on Saturday. The wedding and reception meal finishes at like 5pm and I'm staying in a hotel on the saturday night and I thought, I know, I'll look on Facebook and see if I have any "friends" in the Bournemouth network cause then we can hang out on the saturday night. But I have NONE! Outrageous. I'm really picky with who I'm friends with on facebook cause I kinda just wanna be friends with people who are my friends? Talking of facebook I am loving all the stand-ups who have started their own fan pages. HAA HAA HAA. The only one I have joined is Carl Donnelly's. Oh and Local Girls cause of her blog.

Right better get on with some work - soz da blog a bit melancholy, I actually feel ok.


Friday, 11 April 2008

Wax me, mould me, heat the pins and stab them in.

Time it goes so fast. Friday AGAIN. Today was photo shoot day and it was ok actually, the lighting I'm told masked my weathered eyes. Hope so. Just gotta wait to see it in print now. I had a look at "Look" magazine and it seems ok - nice and glossy and a steal at £1.40. At least the article isn't going to feature in "Love it" or "Pick me up".

Last night I went to a candle party. Now before you make any presumptions about the jolity of this night - it was actually rather good. Its just like Ann Summers parties but no vibrators and cackling women. (Talking of Ann Summers, how annoying was Jaqueline Gold on celebrity Apprentice... OMG. She's a right old cow ain't she. I sang at her wedding don't ya know... She's now divorced, I hope I didn't jinx it with my spinster vibes)

Anyway, this candle party is the sale of nice smelly candles and holders, and whilst there were slight cringe elements to the proceedings (like the names of the candles) it was much fun. I jollied the night along further by doing drinking of white wine. After much candle sniffing I started to feel sick and had to leave the room.....to drink more wine. I knew I'd had too much, when I walked back in the living room and exclaimed loudly to everyone, "POO! It STINKS in 'ere." I left soon after.

So, I've quite an action packed weekend planned. Tonight, a couple of drinks after work I expect, Tomorrow day I have a meeting with comedy types in town. Tomorrow evening my friend is having a gathering in Beckenham which I shall be attending, and sunday I shall be watching Hollyoaks and Come Dine with Me omnibus's. Soooo exciting!

Have a good one.

Thursday, 10 April 2008

When I look on in your eyes and I find that I'll do fine...

Another eventful night out on the town! The plan was, myself, and my team would go to the Real Daniel O Donnell show at the Albany as one of my team is taking her leave cause she is preggers. Anyway all was going swimmingly, we were eating and laughing and stuff - I did my usual acting like a nob-head when someone good-looking speaks to me. This time it happened to be Alex Zane when he came over to say Hello whilst I was eating. My response to him was this absolute cracker "Oh Hi Alex, thats weird I was just thinking about you this morning... Oh no, I mean I was just listening to you this morning...on your radio show? On XFM?" Cringe. (I carried a water melon?) Then I went on about Willy Fogg for a while. I bet he regretted saying Hi. Oh well.

We were all settled in to watch the show, when suddenly, my pregnant team member came over all funny and fainted. It wasn't very nice as she had convulsions as well, at which stage she was unconscious with her eyes open. I immediately dialled 999 and ordered an ambulance. 32 mins later it arrived and the paramedic proudly announced to me that it was the oldest one in service. Yeah it shows (I thought). It stank of petrol and I got ambulance sick as we drove off to UCH maternity ward. By this time obviously the patient was talking and conscious but we needed to check the baby out. The mid wife did this and I heard its heart beat. It sounded like galloping ponies. She's much better now I'm pleased to say but a bit of a scary night to say the least.

On the way home I bumped into a girl who used to work at MTV who is sooo nice. She was pretty pissed and telling me all I needed to do was separate the boys from the men. She was telling the whole tube carriage this - it was most enlightening and I fully agree.

I've got the 2nd photo shoot tomorrow at the ETC theatre for Look Magazine. I hope this article looks ok and I also hope they airbrush my old lady crusty eyes. I bet they don't. They're not even doing hair and makeup now so don't blame me if I look all exposed to the elements. Bah.

So even after all the excitement/horridness of last night, I still managed to watch The Apprentice last night on BBCi. God its great. Now I've added another person to my list of men I love from it. As well as lovely Alex Wotherspoon, I now also love cockney Simon. He is SOOOOO sweet. What about when he accidently called Sir Alan "Alan". ahhhh... You can tell that Sir Alan really likes him. I hope either him or Alex win. Simon as he's good. And alex cause he's good. Looking.

Wednesday, 9 April 2008

What's a girl supposed to try, when all you do is criticise, pretty soon you'll realise...

Today AND yesterday on the tube I've seen different men pick things from their person and eat them. Yesterday a respectable looking guy picked his ear and ate it and today a man openly picked his nose and ate the booger. Its disgusting. I can see you eating it you odious creature. Gross. I used to go out with a guy who would scratch himself, & not necessarily his nob, and then smell his fingers after. So, even if he scratched his arm, he'd have a good sniff of them. I of course pointed this out to him but to no avail, he loved doing it I suppose.

Yesterday I had the photographer come in from Look magazine to do some worky shots of me. It was embarrassing but he was a nice man. I think we gelled. I was embarrassed cause I've got dry skin round my eyes so I look all weathered. He said they'd air brush that but who knows? Monday I had the interview for the magazine and I'm not sure but I think I sounded quite negative about comedy. I hope my words won't get all twisty turvy and make me sound like I hate all stand-ups cause I only hate a few.

Went round to my pal Kate's house last night who also does my website and we updated it accordingly. See here for info www.catfacecomedy.com . Kate does make me laugh. She goes to me on friday "Do ya remember that MTV summer party where one of the boys went up and danced with a girl and he was right up close and when he came away he had a red patch of blood on him?" And I was like "Kate, that was in Superbad, you're confusing your life with a feature film." Ah bless her. Just like Bill Murray in Scrooged when he remembers his past life as Little house on the Prarie the home coming edition. Haaahaaa. Great days.

I am loving the programme "Pulling" at the moment on BBC3. Sooooo funny. I really recommend watching it if you haven't already. You can see it on BBC3 online. I watched Gavin and Stacey for the first time sunday night and thats quite funny also. Looks like things are turning around on Beeb3. Finally.


Monday, 7 April 2008

If your right hand is causing you pain, cut it off.

I'm being featured in LOOK magazine. Not, LookIN, "Look". Thats right. All about how I work full time yet enjoy doing comedy in my spare time. I have a photo shoot for this on thursday at MTV and they're doing my hair and makeup. I have visions of me looking all soft focus and feather boa'd up. Do you remember that? Someone would approach you in the street and say "Hey! Wanna free makeover?" (maybe just I got offered the makeover) and all you have to do is buy the photos for three million pounds. And they always look the same. Soft focus, feather boa or silk wrap, black and white, pearl necklace sometimes...depending on how professional they were.

I just had the weirdest email conversation with someone about doing some compering work for them. It wasn't his fault at all, cause you know when you read an email in angry stressy mode, thats what this guy did. It just kept getting more and more confusing and he thought I was in a big moody. Reading my email back now I can see that it could be construed as being a bit negative but you know when you meant absolutely NOWT at all? I was being all jolly in my mind. Honest I was. Oh well. Powerful stuff is words typed.

I had a nice weekend. I got my hair cut at my pal Cheryl's house. Her little boy is well sweet, he's really unpredictable and even when he's a bit naughty he's not annoying. He was quoting Musical Youth lyrics to me as well. Top marks in my book.

Later on at my mum's, I was studying a Delia Smith cook book (not being funny but I am LOVING cooking at the moment) and I glanced up at the TV (and this just goes to show how powerful the human mind is) I saw a very brief image of a girl with her arms outstretched and wearing a white blindfold thus:

Now this haunting image must have stuck in my sub-conscious for about 20 years or so cause when I saw it Saturday I thought immediately "Watcher in the Woods"! I even forgot I knew the film. How powerful the human (my) mind is! Scary film! Recommend.

It snowed yesterday in greenwich. I phoned my mum to see if my cat Timmy was having a nice time in the snow and she informed me that it came up to his armpits. Lucky Timmy.

Going to Real Daniel O Donnel show on Wednesday cause one of the girls in my team are going off on Maternity Leave. Only problem is, I have decided to abstain from the devil's urine for the next couple of weeks cause I've got myself into all kinds of messes the last couple of weeks which I REGRET whole heartedly. I know giving up alcohol for periods of time is not a big deal for many people, and it shouldn't be for me. But when I got to a PUB, I expect to have a drink and one with a percentage value (usually 5% plus) none of this soda water crap.


Right gotta go.

Friday, 4 April 2008

And nothing is impossible in my all powerful mind.

Last night I met my mate Kerry in Greenwich and we were discussing voting on the 1st May. Needless to say I ain't voting for KEN (With his stupid Chris Rabbit voice from Henry's cat.) When I got home I had my voting information waiting for me. YAY! I must be getting old, I'm actually looking forward to voting.

Kerry had just got a new haircut and she hated it. I tried to give her sympathy (I thought it looked alright) but I did laugh when she told me she'd said to our mate heather that she thought she looked like a Mum. And Heather said that that was unfair on Mums.

What a lovely summery day it is today! I even broke out in a sweat on the walk to the station. EVEN. Yeah Leanne, its cause of the hot weather not that you are completely unfit. Once again I have messed my diet up. I must secretly wanna remain a fatty. But the sunny weather made me feel all jolly and on XFM this morning they played "What a beautiful Day" by Levellers which is one of my favourite songs.

So... anyway.... can't think of anything else to write.

Will write proper soon.

Have a good weekend.

Thursday, 3 April 2008

You didn't have the time, so I softly slip away.

I administered first aid today at London Bridge! The lady did fainting and sick. I did first aid. She was all stressed and I made her drink fluids! I actually had to say, can I help? I'm a first aider. And did smugness. I said "Whats your name?" And everything! WOOOH.

I thought I was going to a smelly candle party tonight but I got the date wrong, its next week instead. So tonight I shall be doing girl stuff, like my nails and face packs and that. Life doesn't get much better than this.

I put on 2.5 lbs at Weight Watchers tuesday. I think that might be down to all them pints I've been drinking. Like my friend Sarah pointed out (who I go with) " Leanne, lets be honest we've only ourselves to blame, we used to come here 4 years ago and look, we're still fat." Haahaa. We even tried wearing our most crepe papery clothes but to no avail. I MUST go to the gym tomorrow. I'm gonna go. I really am.

I need to be more active.

I'm thinking of getting a hobby. I was thinking Knitting. Does that sound a bit shit? I think it sounds jumpery.

Amusing Charlie Brooker Article

I don't get people. What's their appeal, precisely? They waddle around with their haircuts on, cluttering the pavement like gormless, farting skittles. They're awful.

As you might imagine, given my inability to relate to the rest of the human race on even the most cursory level, I'm somewhat socially inept. Slide me between two strangers at any light-hearted jamboree and I'll either rock awkwardly and silently on my heels, or come out with a stone-cold conversation-killer like, "This room's quite rectangular, isn't it?" I glide through the social whirl with all the elegance of a dog in high heels.
A friend once tried help by coaching me in small talk. Step one: take note of what day it is. On a Monday or Tuesday, ask what they got up to at the weekend. Thursday or Friday, ask if they've got any plans for the coming weekend.

"What about Wednesdays?" I asked, wide-eyed. "Or what if I meet them at the weekend? What the hell happens then?" "Oh, for Christ's sake. Just ask what they do for a living."
That Friday, I attended a reasonably sized get-together and boldly stood in the corner, trying to avoid everyone and everything. When this plan failed, I tried out my newfound small-talk skills. But having dealt my opening gambit, I drifted off, gazing at eternity as their stupid wobbling faces outlined their weekend plans in punishing detail. I didn't care what they were doing at the weekend - nor, indeed, whether they lived or died. Afterwards my friend asked how the party had gone. I complained that the key to small talk had merely opened a door on a world of tedium.

"Well, duh," they said. "No one really cares what anyone else is getting up to. Why do you think it's called small talk? It's just shit you say to make things less awkward." What, just a pointless noise you make with your mouth? "Precisely," they said. "Cows moo. People small-talk." And I thought: I hate this world. This stinking, unbearable world.