Monday, 29 September 2008

'cause I got too much life, running through my veins, going to waste.

Well an eventful weekend. Friday I was persuaded to go out with work people for 5 drinks and a sambuca. I was quite drunk but not mashed. I bumped into someone I had culled on facebook and I ended up telling him I would re-request him. God I'm such a dick, facebook is mental. I've also noticed that it seems to be a way to send secret messages via status updates.

Like for example I wrote the other day after looking at some people's profiles about how great they were.... "Leanne thinks why don't you all just smug off" obviously meaning it in a jovial fashion (hence the use of smug off) and one of my friends thought I meant her! It was just a random/jokey comment so not meant for one person cause that would be really freakish - and I felt awful that she would think I meant someone specific. I do have friends however that do that, put a comment on their status meant for someone in their "friends" list and I find it all a bit silly. (Although I did do that once about a boy) Oh well, we can't all be great like me. (Oh smug off)

I prefer status updates like Lee Brace's "They call them Breasts! They call them Boobys! That's not their name! That's not their name!"

Anyway back to Friday. So it was a bit weird cause I was outside the pub about 11:30pm and then I went to walk back in and the man said I couldn't go in because I was too PISSED. Now let me tell you something, if I can remember him saying that then I was most certainly not too pissed. Hateful man. I said "Don't talk such nonsense." My friend Patsy helpfully added "Look, I've seen this girl drink 10 pints of stella's and a sambuca and still be able stand!" (I'd had a big dinner that particular night) I realised that arguing with the bouncer might get me in trouble and make me appear more drunk so we all decided to get cabs home. Next weird thing that happened was that one of the passengers in the cab decided to storm off out of the cab! I dunno strange stuff, felt a bit like a full moon.

The next day I had to go to Orpington to visit my Nannie. I was determined not to be late after my night of drinking and I wasn't. My dad and I got to her about midday and as usual it was all a bit upsetting. I find it very hard to control my anxiety when I'm in places like that and the floor feels all wobbly. At the moment my nan seems mainly to speak German (her native tongue) and I did french at school so can't understand her. She talks and talks and all you can do is say yes or Oh and really? And then I felt a bit worn out, having just fed her her dessert and it was quite messy. I sat there for a bit calmly whilst she chattered on. I started to feel a bit sad and she suddenly said to me in crystal clear english, "You know, you don't have to keep looking....... because you're a very beautiful girl. Do you know I love you?" I said "Yes I do know, I love you too." Then she went back to chattering away in German about a bowl I think, because she kept putting her fingers in her dessert bowl. I love my Nan I do.

After this my dad dropped me at my friend James's house for his 30th Birthday garden party. It was so so lovely. Loadsa kids rambling about, I taught them about nature. I showed them brambles, fern and greenhouse products also how to beat their hands on Sam's yoga ball to make a loud noise! They loved me. I didn't drink anything alcoholic cause I hate being anything other than sober around children, namely because I think they're constantly looking at me and thinking "you dick."

That night I headed home for an early night for it was Radio fun the following morning! Please join in next week 10 - 12pm on and click listen now.

It's Catface Comedy this wednesday on at the Slaughtered Lamb so come on down, the price is right.

K Bye.

Friday, 26 September 2008

The grass is always greener on the other side, neighbour's got a new car that you wanna drive and when time is running out you wanna stay alive.

Well what can I say........Steak rules O.K. (that's what). I went to Gaucho with Lauren last night, she was treating me for my birthday and she said "have anything you want" "What, ANYTHING?" "Yes, anything." she replied. So I did. Including Oysters for my starter. Happy days for I do so love food. Sometimes I wish I didn't but I do and will forever remain "cuddly". Good! (Is what I say to THAT.)

On wednesday evening my dad was driving me back to Greenwich and I (after a bottle of wine) was explaining to him how community spirited its become in Camden Town now that I've worked there for 8 years. I was telling him all about the discounts I get for food in the market as a "regular" and how they all know I hate coriander. Anyway yesterday I was walking through the high street in Camden when all of a sudden I heard a commotion and running down the road was a man being whipped by shop workers who were all chasing him with red angry faces.

He'd obviously been caught stealing from one of the shops and was hot footing it away with his goods. Haha he didn't reckon on the community spirit from the other shop owners who all joined in with the whipping and the chasing. See Dad? A real community.

(I wish I lived by the sea.)

The police were soon there and slapped hand cuffs on the robber and let the whippers go about their business.

I also saw when I was out having a coffee last night the PAPS running down the road past Gaucho's with massive cameras. Obviously they had a lead and wanted to PAP them. One dropped their camera battery and everyone shouted "Gutted". I didn't join in.

THEN when I got back to Charring Cross and was waiting for my train I saw that "Kat" girl out of big brother. She had a hood up over her zany hair but I could make out her wacky jaw line. Rumbled Kat, you get South Eastern trains like the rest of us. No happy fucking house for you! Get involved with the vomit express JUST LIKE ME.

Tomorrow I'm going to visit my nannie. I haven't seen her for a while and feel really bad, even though she doesn't recognise me anymore I should still see her more. So that's tomorrow, after which its my mate James's 30th so am off to his house for some drinks and nibbles and then I think they're off to the pub. Better swerve that cause I have the radio show on Sunday morning and being hungover just won't do. If you would like to get involved with this week's show you SO CAN. At and click on listen now and then all will be revealed. Twix 10:00am and 12pm.

K Bye.

Thursday, 25 September 2008

Lets have less of getting clever with me.

I am now thirty and if feels FINE. I think the build up is worse than the reality.

On Monday night (birthday eve) my good pal Louisa came over and we drank champagne and at mignight I ripped open my cards with gusto. One of my friends, Heather Bevver had given me four scratch cards and so Louisa did the scratching with a 50 pence coin. The first three were duds but on the last one we TOTALLY thought I'd won £6000. I tried not to get too excited for I knew we were pissed but I'd spent all my winnings in my head in about two seconds. The next day I got one of my colleagues to check the card and he said that I HADN'T won. :-( BOOO. So now I'm skint again.

That day it was busy at work cause a man had gone and shot a load of people in Finland, so as one of the channels I look after is MTV Finland we had to get a one minute black and silent event to air and then everything broke and well, it was a tough day.

In the evening I went for a meal with my close girlfriends and my Ma and Pa. This was ace and we had much much fun. I loves them all I do. Three of the girls clubbed together and bought me a Tiffany Bracelet! I've never had anything from Tiffany. I'm a real girl! And also my friend Patsy bought me a beautiful jewellery box. Thank you.

The next day I took off as hols and watched (FINALLY) Sex and The City DVD. It was pretty good although I do feel it has been hyped up quite severely and there are parts in it that I would have written differently, like I would have said "No" to Big at the end to show that you don't need to be married to have a happy ending. Oh well.

Then I met my old friend Siobhan who I went to school with. She lives in Bahrain with her husband and two dogs and her life sounds GREAT. She has a MAID! I know! We reminisced back to the days when we were 17 and I ran for head girl and Siobhan was my deputy, as usual we bitched about what a FIX it was (we came second).

The day we'd discovered we hadn't won, Siobhan and I went back to her house to listen to "Jagged Little Pill" by Alanis Morrisette, drank some port and lemonade and then hit the town (Bromley). In those days Siobhan and I really really couldn't hold our drink, and all of a sudden my mum and dad found me in a phone box and took me home. The whole thing's a blur. Next day wasn't though, for I puked and puked (whole shell fish muscles) it was vile. Great days.

Tonight I'm off to Gaucho restaurant with my friend Lauren. She's treating me to FRESH MEAT for my birthday. So excited I LOVE steak YAY!!!

K bye.

Monday, 22 September 2008

Oooh I just know that something good is gonna happen.

SO! It was my birthday party on saturday and it was much fun. I spent the whole day worrying that things might go wrong, kinda felt like arranging one of my comedy night's. I needn't have stressed so, for it went without a hitch.

When I got to the venue some of my best girl friends had decorated the room in a lovely way complete with a birthday cake made out of cup cakes all with MY FACE ON. Also some lovely photo collages with all of my finest moments in life. Very very nice - thank you lovely friends.


It came to light that both Farringdon and Barbican tube were both shut (nearest tubes to the venue) so everybody was late. At 8:30pm I would be performing a birthday dance just like in the popiular MTV show "My Super Sweet 16". This had to be pushed back cause only 20 odd people had arrived. Anyway eventually I got to do this dance with a nice full room, avec my backing dancers and it was ace. It was to Shirley Bassey's cover of "I'm coming up" Powerful and menacing.


At all of my parties I always hold a Dance off and this year was like no other. With 16 willing participants ready to rumble and fight (dance) for their trophy (which I forgot to bring to the venue). We managed to capture this delightful event on video and I shall be posting this up asap. Thanks to all who got involved and all my friends are mental. Good.

At around 10:30pm my friend SBC (Simon Bonham-Carter) bought me sambuca which was yummy. Then scary Nathan behind the bar gave me another. Soon I was drunk. So then I did drinking of black sambucas which is a bit like tar, I had two of those. THEN my friends gave me a brown shot and then they dropped it in Dr. Pepper and I drank that too. Soon I couldn't remember who I was. But according to the video I had a cracking time leaping about all over the place and being generally extremely boistrous. I had a knee length dress on but still managed to full moon everyone. Lucky everyone.

The next stuff that happened is sketchy but there are flashes of a kebab, and a cab. GREAT DAYS.

When I came to the next day, my dress was covered in Kebab and we so we decided to go for a fry up in Greenwich. I realised I was still pissed as I kept saying stuff like "I feel fine!" "Wow! No hangover" etc etc. Then at 12pm I was nearly sick but in the end it just went back into my insides. I then did sleeping and I was ALL better.

I will be thirty tomorrow.

Monday, 15 September 2008

I'm asking you cos you know about these things.

I'm just not meant to have fish. So my dad brought me round two normal bog standard gold fish yesterday, who both looked VICIOUS. And as soon as they went into the water, they just sunk to the bottom and have remained there ever since occasionally flapping their tails. I expect when I get home they'll both be floating. I even changed the water in case it was toxic (crusaders). God what a hassle. I should have got a Babbit.

Friday night I went to a wedding reception in Brands Hatch. It was ace seeing all the old gang from school. We did LOADS of dancing and everyone was mashed except me. We did New York New York at the end where you all stand in a circle kicking your legs this way and that all drunk. Then everyone seemed to drag each other into the centre of the circle at different times so I kept getting my face smushed into family members of the bride and groom. It was very funny but strange also cos it felt like being in school. Not that we did that in school. Everyone was very happy and looking well and married. And I felt genuine happiness for everyone, specially when I got some buffet inside me.

Saturday we went to Ikea, and I got plants and that. When I got home I realised that I actually now own "Plants and Goldfish" so all my responsibilities now, are looking after the "plants and goldfish" like Vivien. So I could in effect get rid of my responsibilities, like Vivien. Maybe half of my responsibilities will have committed suicide by tonight anyway. I know I should be more positive about em but I just want them to swim. Like last night I was watching them and was just like "Get up and fucking swim you bastards!" and then I thought is this all there is? My sunday night consists of "wife swap" and shouting at my goldfish for not doing swimming.

It's not all my life consists of. No for yesterday was day one of SW1 radio. It was pretty good although I wasn't 100% comfortable and listening back I need to sort out the sound of my voice on the board. It sounds too treble and I spoke too fast I reck. I had many emails in from listeners so THANK YOU FOR THAT! It's tough doing a show with only yourself for company, specially when you have to press buttons and all that jazz.

Its my birthday party this saturday! YAY verrily I say unto you.

Friday, 12 September 2008

The face of you, my substitute for love. Should I wait for you?

So I've been doing some thinking and I've worked out why I'm so bothered about being 30. I think it's because I'm worried that I'm destined to walk this planet alone. I can only liken my feelings to the popular game "Musical Chairs".

So the chair is the man and the contenders are the women. The music starts and we all begin to dance around the chairs, eying each other suspiciously. And all the way through my 20's I'm content to mainly dance and not sit down much. But now I fear, the music's stopped and I'm rushing from chair to chair (man) but there's a woman already sitting on each one and I'm too late.

I said to my pal Patsy yesterday, it's not that I dislike being single, that bits ok for now. If someone could just name a year that I'd meet someone..... like in 2011 you'll meet someone........ I could rest easy, but they can't and that's why I don't wanna be 30.

Cos now babys are springing up all over the place and none of them are mine. Not that I want one anyway cause they normally have wotsits mixed with spit on their fingers, and I can't understand anything they're saying.......but having the option would be good. Cos my name's not Mary mother of God you see, even though some see me as name isn't Mary and I can't magic a baby in my tummy. Not that I want a baby you understand, I just want a fucking CHAIR. One that has prospects and visions and kindness. One that's really comfy to sit on, so much so, that I never want to get up and dance away.

WOW. I am deep and it's friday people.

I wish I could be like Solange Knowles (sibling to Beyonce) cause like she says in her song. "I decided, that you are the HIM for me. I decided." Well I decided that that man, is the one for me but he's GAY. So now what? Hang on a minute, I decided he was gay cause he didn't want to go out with me! So therefore I DID DECIDE SOMETHING. Hooray.

Right lets move on. Tonight I'm off to a wedding reception and I'm looking forward to it. There will be old school friends there and HOPEFULLY a buffet. Buffets rule. Hope there's pork pies.

Saturday I'm going to IKEA again to get items and meat balls and then Sunday its the launch of the radio show I present on SW1 Radio. Tune in (well log on) between 10:00am and 12pm. Go to and click listen now. If that don't work open media player and stick in and that should do the trick.

In other radio news my good friend and radio presenter Joe Amphlett made the newspapers today! Well done JOE! Good job, I especially loved the opening line of the article "A Beauty Contest judge has been given the boot for calling the contestants MUNTERS" hahahahahaha! Joe's from the popular duo Amphlett and Candy who in the olden days I used to manage! Great days eh lads?

Right - have a lovely weekend.

Thursday, 11 September 2008

You ain't seen the best of me yet.

Hello! Well a busy last week hence my not having written for a bit.

Last thursday it was Catface Comedy which was lots of fun although the audience were especially rowdy to the degree that they were getting on my wick. Basically it was drunk men doing shouting of random words and then chortling at their own ramblings. When asked to be quiet they oafed around some more. Even when acts went on and kept slamming them down much to the amusement of the rest of the crowd they still continued to blurt out random words. The thing is they weren't trying to be nasty, they genuinely felt they were contributing to the night. Bless.

Other than that ALL acts did very well and we had a good time.

When I got home from work on Friday, Peter, my other fishy was deaded. Ah well back to the drawing board. I'm going to get some normal gold fish cause they're apparently harder than wimpish fantails.

The weekend was cool, saturday I went to a launch party at the bar on my housing complex BY MYSELF. I just thought FUCK IT. I'm going alone! When I entered the party I saw a table of people that I recognised from the local shop and I just went and sat with them. "HI!" I shouted. "Er hi...." They all replied happily. We soon became best mates and I chatted to lots of handsome men who were all having none of it. One drink turned into several and all of a sudden it was 11:30pm and I was staggering back to my flat with my glass of wine.

The next morning I had to be up early to get to Victoria for the dry run of my radio show. I took 2 cds cause I thought I wouldn't have to do the whole show but it turned out I did. So I absolutely RINSED my 80's complilation. Glad no one was listening cause it sucked. But this Sunday is the REAL THING with myself presenting my regular show 10:00am to 12pm. You can listen to this at SO!! Get involved. Hangover radio, it really is the new Hollyoaks. Um.

Right and what else? Oh yes then I went to Macdonalds ON MY OWN. I'm loving this alone stuff.

Then this week I've been at work and have been asked to be THE VOICE at the TMF Flanders Awards in Antwerp. You know the lady that says at the concert "Coming up next, blah blah blah". How cool is that? I know. All those FANS listening to MY VOICE. Yay.

Next Saturday is my 30th birthday party. How depressing. Well not depressing but you know what I mean. I'm trying to be one of those fabulous ladies that don't care about being 30 and with a toss of their hair and a slick of lip gloss head outta the door. I just can't do that cause I wear matte lipstick and my hair isn't tossy...... but yeah the party is going to be ACE. Then I really will be 30. BAH.

Right better get on, off down the gym but lord knows why cause it does fuck all.

Much love.

Thursday, 4 September 2008

He's riding on down, to rescue me.

My friend Karen just met Gok Wan in Covent Garden! He came up to her with camera in toe and asked her beauty questions! WOWOWOWOW! How cool is that! Good old Gok, isn't he tall!

Tonight it's Catface Comedy on at the Slaughtered Lamb featuring stand-up from Mowten, Caroline Mabey, Paul F Taylor, Claire Stroud and Dan Hoy. Also of course featuring ME the host and of course the fantastic Catface Comedy Dancers. Come on down, I'm muchly looking forward to it.

Out of the blue yesterday I had an MSN from a girl called Sandra who I met in 2005 whilst filming the BBC1 documentary "Secret of the Sexes". We were both involved in a Speed Dating experiment where in we had all these tests carried out on us which would help the scientists decipher who we each might choose in a speed date as a match. It was all a load of crap basically but I met some really interesting people in it, one of which got me into doing stand-up. For some reason he wants nothing to do with me now - I think he felt stitched up by the show and thought I was in on it. Which I was not.

Anyway, whatever, this Sandra girl was really nice and for a while after the show we did MSNing and all that. She contacted me yesterday to say she was getting married this saturday! How cool is that? She met her Parisian lover in a the dead of winter in a coffee shop and he swept her off her feet. What a lovely tale eh? Made my day.

So it seems that my cull on Facebook needs to be explained. I will cull you if I never see you anymore, we never speak and we know nothing about each other anymore. With this in mind I got rid of a few people. Yesterday I ran into one of them at work who, a few months ago I'd had an incident or four with when drunk but which never would go any further. So, after we hadn't spoken for a while I thought, well, you're not even based in this office so CULL. Nothing personal just trying to get numbers down.

Then my friend tells me he has a new girlfriend now which is great news but if he discovers I've culled him he'll think its because of that! And it SO isn't. Total coincidence. So then I thought should I re-request friendship with him? Then I thought why the fuck am I worrying about this? Then I was walking along at work yesterday and was seeing if my friend Kate was in the canteen, and she wasn't so I went upstairs. Only realising then that this person was near the canteen and that it looked like the moment I saw him I'd spun on my heel and walked in the other direction. What do you think? Am I being too para? And all because of a cull.

Then after this another person I'd culled on facebook again for the simple reasons that we never speak, never see each other and know nothing about each other contacted me on MSN. And it was awkward cause I thought maybe he's contacting me cause he thinks I've culled him and wonders why but I couldn't bring myself to say anything.

Nevertheless, I'm doing another cull next week. Please don't be offended if you are a person culled, it's only because we never speak, we don't know each other anymore and never see each other. Basically you bring nothing to the table and neither do I, to yours.

I just got over excited when Facebook came out, that's all.

In other news SW1 Radio is BACK. Finally. My regular slot starts on Sunday 14th September 10:00am - 12pm and will be available for you to listen to on the internet here: I really hope you'll be able to listen in, even if you have a massive hangover cause its sunday an' all.
So that's 14th September 10:00am - 12pm! YAY!

And finally, I had a dream that I was pregnant and that the baby's hand came out of my belly button. What does it all mean?


Tuesday, 2 September 2008

Yeah you gotta feel for me baby! (feel for me baby)

So! Just got back from Marrakesh and it was ace. We had to leave Saturday morning at 3am. I was a tired girl. When we arrived we were met by a rep who took us to the hotel in a mini bus. Marrakesh is really crazy with people on these motorised bycicles which weave in a kamakazi fashion all over the road, I genuinely thought someone would get smushed. It reminded me of being on the top of a double decker bus where you think you might bash into every tree approaching. Well that's how it was 'cept we were on a mini bus and it was constant. WAH WATCH OUT FOR THE.... WAH WATCH OUT FOR THE... etc etc...

I also saw lots of horseys and donkeys who looked very sad and unwell. One horse had his mouth open and looked BATTERED like he might die at any moment yet his owner still made him walk with a big cart of fruit. It was horrible and made tears prick in my eyes. I know one should be a bit more open minded with cultural differences but I can't accept animal cruelty and if that makes me less open minded then SO BE IT.

When we got to the hotel we were greeted by about 15 staff and loud music as they handed us cocktails and hot towels like we were FAMOUS or something just cause we were from MTV. I felt discomfort at this.

This was nothing comapred to when all the other MTV lot from Holland arrived. They had a load of people banging drums and in traditional dress. Made me again feel discomfort to the extreme. Here they all are waiting for the arrivals :-(

Exhibit A

Later on we did much much drinking but I was soooo tired I ended up being in bed by 11pm.

The next day I got up early and went for a walk. There before my very eyes were lovely little kittens all mewing and skinny. So I stole some ham from the breakfast room and some water and gave it to them, they gobbled it up with gusto.

Exhibit B

For the rest of the day I sat around the pool reading my book as the others all went to market. That evening we had another party to attend which was themed as WHITE WITH A SPLASH OF GOLD. Now dear reader I own NOTHING white. So myself and some of my colleagues didn't wear any.
When we finally found where we were eating we had to go along a RED CARPET which had drummers either side and shakey things and TWO MASSIVE CAMELS at the entrance of the outdoor restaurant thing with massive heads, and a photographer took our pictures. IT WAS TRAUMATIC. When we were seated we were the ONLY PEOPLE THERE NOT IN WHITE. We soon got over this factor with endless bottles of wine to aid our plight.
(At this dinner there were snake charmers but the snakes simply looked dead to me)

Then we went to the party. IT was GREAT! I stayed up until 4:30am and we had to be up at 7am to be picked up for our flight home. I felt like UTTER SHIT. On the journey I totally thought I would vom so I spent the journey quietly weeping at the back of the plane with another one of my colleagues also avec sick bag and weeping quietly. It was awful. Luckily though I never puked so - hooray.

Got home and my remaining fish was still alive so every cloud eh.

This thursday it's Catface Comedy @ the Slaughtered Lamb, get involved!