I ran away from you, I never thought I could.

HEY! Checkout this short clip from our 4 star edinburgh show, A Night In Sandy Hole. In this clip, Precious has some time alone with the audience. There are also other clips of our show attached so check em out.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HG_GGa_N5vg

Arrest this girl, her Hitler hair-do is making me feel ill.

So the topic on today's XFM show hosted by Alex Zane was Sex, and people who just aren't that into it. Now Alex occassionally gets on my nerves as a presenter, but on the whole I think he's very agreeable. I confess I do know him because he used to work at MTV and he kindly got me a few gigs when I first started doing stand-up......... So I don't have that weird hate thing for him that many stand-up's seem to have. (NB: Hatred = Jealousy - Ha! Life's tough ain't it. Gutted.)

Anyway the subject was sexual-ness. And he was saying that he just isn't that interested. And I was like, yeah me too! And then he described it as being good at first and then he just goes off it. And I'm like "YEAH! ME TOO!" And then he spoke to the fish man that he always speaks to from Billingsgate Market and the fish man said that this is because he hasn't found the ONE! And I'm like "YEAH! ME TOO!" So this is totally it then. I thought there was something wrong with me. What a relief. Next plan on the agenda is to find "the one." I have my eye on a couple of people I already know and I think there's a connection... OOH. What depicts a connection? I'm not sure, but my tummy goes funny when I see them. Maybe they make me sick. Who knows.

I'm considering stopping reading the news. Its so depressing. There seems to be a breed of animal type people (even though I love animals but ya know what I mean) who run around like complete savages beating and killing people for no reason. Like those two goths that got beat up for nothing in Lancashire and the girl died. MENTAL. What the fuck? How can a whole group of people all agree that doing that to someone is normal? Makes me feel sick.

The only piece of news that made me titter and even that was a bit horrid was these four guys in Eton who mugged a girl for her handbag. They call themselves "The Posse'". HAA HAA. Pussys more like. ... Imagine their fighting talk:
Posse' member: "One must hand that bag over immediately madame, or one will be forced to snatch it from your possession with brute force."
"VICTIM": "Crikey."
What do they need money for anyway?

This diet is rubbish - I'm hungry all the time. SUX DOGS DIX.

The voice over went ok in the end. Although along with the english paragraph I had to say, I made the three flemmish words sound a bit German. Oh well.

This weekend I will mainly be working and trying not to trough. I'm going out tonight and I will beg myself not to succumb to Pork scratchings and/or a Whoppa but it won't be easy. Saturday and Sunday I'll be ok as I'm working, but monday its St. Patrick's day and I'm meeting one of my friends for dinner and drinks in Greenwich. Why have I no more will power? Well I suppose I do have willpower cause I'm still not smoking and I fully believe this is it for me. I am on day 22 and I feel really great. However, I haven't hacked up much of the black stuff so I'm thinking maybe its just hanging out in my lungs....

Have a great weekend.

Nothing can compare to when you roll the dice and you swear your love's for me.

I've got to re-do the MTV voice-over adding the line "Ruby thursday, for people who pimp their plan." What does that mean? How can you pimp a plan. "Yeah you plan..... You er....you better go shag that er...verb. For money. "

I'm feeling quite jolly at the moment. I really do feel that things are starting to look up - I think its the smell of sweet sweet spring. Ah its times like this that I wish I had a little bunny.

So what have I got planned for the rest of the week? Well, luckily for me its pay day tomorrow, I am so skint and this weeks' dragged. I will also obtain some overtime in this month's pay packet so this all helps.

Being that its pay day we're all going out to Quinn's which is probably one ofthe best pubs in Camden Town now that PAT decided to leave the Oxford Arms. WHY PAT WHY!!? I loved the days when I went into the Oxford and Pat used to just get my Stella ready when he saw me crossing the road. Now I have to ASK for my drink. Unbelievable.

Quinns is run by Mr and Mrs Quinn I think and they're about 93 and very very nice. Also there is music and Pork Scratchings. Uh oh. I 'm on a diet and Scratchings are there. I can't help it, they're so trotter-y. Might also be another Whoppa experience. I say this though "If ya gonna fuck your diet up proper, why not do it with a Whoppa." Very true big fat devil on my shoulder.

Saturday and Sunday I have to do working. BOO. But think of the money. OK. Mmmmm Its all nice.

I have a date next week and this is someone I met at a disco on Saturday so I don't feel I can say about the 2 drink rule. The 2 drink rule is you have 2 drinks MAX on the date whether you like each other or not and this avoids awkwardness or shagging. Or both. Also it means if you don't like the person you have a get out of date jail free card. Would it be wrong/uptight to enforce this rule? Think on.

A girl at the station today had a conversation on her mob and she did a loud kiss noise into the phone at the end of the call and didn't go red. Weirdo. Maybe she did it on purpose.

Ok bye.

You could be my unintended choice to live my life extended...

I've got a hangover.

Yesterday we had a toast to Colin at work and then I decided to go to the Chandos Pub to join the farewell and good luck drinks for Pappy's Fun Club (they're off to Melbourne). They don't do Stella in the Chandos. Instead I had what looked to be a YARD of ale which was ok cause by then my taste buds had had it anyway. Saw Caroline and Roisin. Roisin was off on holiday in like four hours - hope she made the plane.

I think I must've been quite drunk cause I remember telling Matthew that I'm Grade 5 on the clarinet which is true but why would he want to know that? Also, we discussed erratic sleep patterns. I need stuff distracting me when I go to bed, like the TV, radio (LBC) and/or a book. I'm getting sick of waking up to the "HOOBS" though. They're mental puppety things that are way too loud.

I fucked up my diet yesterday as well. Incidently I lost 1.5 pounds at Weight Watchers on Monday. This meant I had to take three marbles out of the marble pot at the weigh-in desk and embarrassingly drop them into another glass jar in the middle of the meeting room floor. I ate a Whoppa last night and chips and a sprite. GOD. What a piggy. When I got my Tesco delievery this morning it was mainly veg and fruit & I felt a fraud knowing what i'd trough'd the night before.

Pappy's also gave me some food for thought last night. They really like Catface Cabaret and they were disappointed to learn that I had no other shows booked at present. I would have had one easter sunday if the Hen and Chickens had been kind enough to respond to my last emails. So now I'm looking for another venue. Brendon reckons I should do a couple of "one off's" in Edinburgh.... they just love that dance eh! What says you Blog readers? I think I should too. So, I need a new theatre for a start. Any ideas? Answers on email or on this blog.

I have to go and do two voiceovers in a minute fro MTV Belgium. The text is all in English except for three Belgian words. I keep accidently putting a HACKY sound on the word "Huis". Ya know like ya trying to get some gob up. But apparently I don't need the hack. My voice keeps going all June Sarpong like too. How irritating.

And finally,please take 2 seconds to follow the below link and sign my friend's petition. And if you've still got any energy, please forward this link to all the people you know who would also like to keep music and street performance alive. Thank you very much in advance. http://www.PetitionOnline.com/cov2008/petition.html [/url]

She's like the girl with the smile in the hospital ward...

So, this is gonna be a brief one.

My friend died on Sunday. He was called Colin. He was 37. He leaves behind three children and a wife (Kelly). We don't know what caused it, but a catalogue of awful events all contributed. Flu type thing, seizure, cardiac arrest, no oxygen for 15 mins, life support machine, brain dead. I went to see him Friday night to talk to him, to try to make him laugh, tried to see if he would react to anything at all, but he didn't. Not even Marrillion could wake him up. They switched off the machine Sunday night. His wife said he wasn't scared of dying so that is a comfort to me in a strange way.

Rest in Peace.

Here is a list of my favourite songs at the moment:

Rose' - The Feeling

To Build a Home - Cinematic Orchestra

A Bad Dream - Keane

Cover my Eyes - Marrilion

Go on, take everything, take everything I want you to.

So! Bit of a weird week. I went to visit my sister last tuesday for a few days and it was nice and relaxing and I did walking and trying not exceed my points on Weight Watchers. Its really good to become obsessed with something like eating cause it takes my mind off smoking. Day 17 people. Day 17. Thats right, I am infact, amazing. I mustn't become too obsessed cause otherwise I might develop Anorexia Nervosa and thats the last thing I want! I am supposed to have 20 points a day which is like really little amounts. On the first day I accidently ate 41 points. Thanks alot WINE. And Duck Wrap and Garlic bread. After this hiccup I was back on the straight and narrow. My nephew is nice, he's really heavy but very sweet. I sung him "Alice the Camel" putting Alex in where the Alice is and it went down a storm.

Saturday night I went out in Clapham and ended up in the dive the Clapham Grand. I was very drunk, and met a nice lad called Pete. Pete is an honourable name. He was telling me that he'd lost 7 stone, on a positive note this means that he won't have anything against chubbers so until I make target weight I'm quite safe.

Here is a video of me and my contented tummy. I am aware that it is bulbous.

Our thoughts strayed constantly and without boundary, the ringing of the division bell had begun.

Ah a weekend of fun, laughter and tears.

Saturday is chore day in Cat County (thats my flat) so this is exactly what I did. I then called Demon (cause I felt strong) to say that the internet still didn't work despite my downloading said drivers. The lady was quite nice, her name was Sahana, but when she said she was going to get BT to check the line I started to cry. This is such a traumatic ordeal. 5 months this has been going on for! I had to leave the pooter on for 48 hours with the modem plugged in to find out the problem with the 'exchange' (whatever that is). God I wish I knew someone technical.

Saturday arvo I headed to Orpington and met my mate Steve in the White Hart - Leon showed up too. I was supposed to be heading to my mum and dad's for the family party next door were having. I drank 2 pints in the White Hart so was quite jolly by the time I got to the party. It was quite good fun - but I think my mum and dad were embarrassed of me. Oh well.

Sunday I did pretty much what I planned. Rolling around in bed and remembering that I am indeed 30 nearly and a BIG SPINSTER. Father and I then went to Comet and we got me a new TV! Its flat screen with built in freeview. Its soooo cooool. After this we went to visit my Nannie in the home. There's a really violent man there who's probably only about 60 so is quite tough. For some reason my face seems to aggravate mentally-violent people - and this case was no different. I heard a cufuffle and turned around and the man saw me and came storming towards me with a bitterly angry expression about his face. Luckily two nurses pounced on him and rugby tackled him away whilst I tried to keep my cool. I was thinking could I really punch an old man in the face? Well its me or you mate, and I choose me.

Reminded me of when we had a "Unit" at a primary school I attended for a few years (in Brackley). One of the children (Steven) had Down Syndrome and he used to beat us all up. He also spat on us randomly. I used to shit myself whenever I saw him. Another girl in the unit called Karen was also extremely violent. Anyway, one day Karen ran at me and my mate Rachel. We ran off to the toilets, and I went in one that locked and Rachel went into one with no lock, where you had to put the sanitary bin in the way. Karen kicked the door open and beat Rachel with her own Rainbow-Bright doll. It was awful.

Anyway - enough regression to more violent days. This week I shall be going away for a bit. But I will try to keep up to date with the blog.

Love to you all.