There's nothing sweet about me.

So much to tell you and so much time to tell you it in, so PHEW.

I've just come back from Bournemouth having visited my baby nephew who is becoming sweeter by the day. Something peculiar has happened to my chest though. Not my CHESTS, but my chest, the bit above those.

It's gone all leathery like one of those muttony women who cook themselves on the beach. Its looks all plucked chickeny and stuff... Age seems to be creeping up on me - soon I won't be able to pass for a young sprite in my hip MTV clothes. Oh well just gonna keep slapping on the moisturiser, also if its gets out of control on my face I'm going to have one of those chemical peels I've seen on "10 years younger" that make you look like Hannibal Lector. That oughta draw the lads in.

Here is a picture of me and my Neff:



He was having paddling pool fun and I was helping him do splashing.




Ah he sweet.

In other news my email to Loose Women was read out live on air yesterday by Colleen Nolan. The subject was something very close to my throbbing heart. That's right, femininity. The subject was, do you think that independent women lose some of their femininity by being all independent and that. This is something I agree with. As usual Carol Mcgiffin disagreed (she would) but honest, its true.

I was just saying about this the other day to a mate of mine, cause especially in London (which is the loneliest place in the whole kingdom), as a single female living on me' own trying to make an honest buck so that I can live the life of Reilly with or without a man - I find that the downside to that is having to harden up to get on in life. This to me takes away alot of my female lady vibes (which I have much of reader).

Anyway - I am forced to be all strong and independent (like Destiny's Child) and lads like girls who aren't hard faced bitches weirdly enough. Likewise I want a man who is going to look after me a bit and be all manly and pass the INTRUDER TEST and right now, if any intruders come in to my home I'd beat them with my handy baseball bat. Now thats not very lady-like is it? What a to do.

OMG - I saw Kevin Spacey last night on the Southbank. I heard him first and thought "I'd know that American sexual voice anywhere - Kevin?" And yes it was indeed him. We walked past him twice feigning that our "friend, Jeff" had turned up. We waved at imaginary Jeff and managed to sneakily watch Kevin chatting with his pal TWICE.

On Saturday I joined the Library and it was weird for when I went to fill out the form the librarian kindly offered if I wanted to sit down - as I did this I met the eyes of a man on the internet. Naturally my eyes flickered to his computer monitor and lo and behold there was a picture of a bare lady on there spreading her legs to reveal ALL. He didn't even look embarrassed. Surely there should be filters at these places?

The rest of the week sees me being all peaceful and quiet. Sunday I have a gig in Portsmouth MCing and a couple of pals are coming along to support me (they're from Portsmuff) so that's really cool. Then next week it's Catface Comedy at the Slaughtered Lamb, you better bring it.

Bye then.

You're making excuses for the things you've never done, walking in circles, blinded by the sun...

Great Thorpe Park was pretty good. Not great, but good. Since the days of me being a dare-devil as a youngster, things seem to have changed somewhat. For example I couldn't go on some of the big rides as they were TOO HIGH. But stuff like the Tidal Wave was just right. That ride was like having six buckets of water thrown over you in succession so after I decided we should go on it first, we were sodden throughout the day. So what eh? Yeah you only live once blah blah blah.

The last time I was at Thorpe Park was with my sister and a gaggle of her students aged around 14. I went along as a helper, there was myself, my sister, her boyf (also a teacher) and another teacher called Paul. It ended up being just myself and Paul wondering around together and I loved him a bit I did. He was so nice....so very, very nice. Also there were tiny goats there, big as cats they were and I picked them up (although you're not supposed to).

This time at Great Thorpe Park it was clear I'd put on weight cause when we went on the Depth Charge (which is essentially a dingy that goes down a slide which you sit in and fattest person wins) I noticed that my bum seemed to wedge into the dingy rather than perch. I totally won though cause I was the fattest contender. Infact long after the other contenders had become stationary I seemed to be still sliding along. Oh well. Things are going to change in that department - not sure how, but they'll change. (prolly I'll get fatter)

On the way back from Great Thorpe Park Lauren and I had a sing song in the car to NKOTB's "The Right Stuff" and some lads did bibbing at us from their car and for about 5 minutes the journey on the M25 was fun. I love car flirting.

Anyway - this week sees me mainly working and then going off to Bournemuff to see my nephew Alex and my sister. I'm hoping for sun so we can go off to the beach. Also I will definitely visit Primark in Boscombe cause that's where people that don't know the fashions live so all the decent stuff is still there for my cherry picking eyes. Talking of cherries, I just had some and they were juicy.

K Bye.

Who in the hell d'you think you are? A Superstar? (Well right you are)

I won Come Dine with Me! (By 1 point.) I was suitably chuffed and really looking forward to getting the video sorted and up for all to see. The only downside to this whole thing is that it's over and also EVERYONE on Facebook thinks I'm going to be on the real Come Dine With Me on Channel 4 which of course I'm not. Although Rich at work thinks I should now apply. I may just do that - could do with a grand to go towards my "living in Spain" dream.

Here are the things I've learnt this week. Firstly a mate of mine introduced me to Summer Heights High which is a programme on BBC3 and is exceptionally funny. If you haven't seen it, watch it on BBC iplayer asap. http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/

Secondly I re-discovered the joys of Swing Ball. I'd convinced my dad that it'd be a great idea to get another swing-ball like in the good old days. This weekend when I popped over there, lo and behold, there before my very eyes was a Swing Ball. If you don't know what one of these is, (you are weird) check out the link. http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/B0000A120M/ref=nosim/coffeeuk17048-21

The only problem with this is the one in the picture is the one we bought and it's really flimsy compared to the "good old sturdy hard core whack the ball really really hard" one. We decided to use the old heavy duty bats we used to have and pretty soon the pole was wobbling all over the place. My mum kept shouting "Not too hard!" But we're very competitive and smashed the f*ck out of it. HAHA Great days.

AH got another sweet link here for you all to see if you haven't already. Ah this is my favourite little cat (other than my Timmy and Flugel) in the world. http://www.youtube.com/user/simonscat

Wow this blog is just like Popbitch today isn't it. What with all the links and all the er.... non bitching.

I'm going to Thorpe Park tomorrow! WOOOH! I love that place. I'm going to do rollercoasting and tidal waving and all that brilliant stuff. I'm going with Lauren. Wish I was going with a boyf on like....a 5th date - cause then we'd like each other loads (cause we'd be at a 5th date see?) and be kissing in the queue whilst people (like me) puke in their own mouths and swallow it. Great days.

So! Not much more to report. My crush has subsided somewhat, outta sight outta mind I think is the key here. Also once I've married the lad in my head it all gets a bit boring. NEXT.

And finally they opened the bar on my complex again last night and me and a couple of neighbours went along to check out the talent. There was none to speak of if I'm honest but the cherry beer tasted ace.

Bye then.

I move the stars for no-one.

Wow Mark Ronson and Daniel Merriweather have just come into MTV to do an impromptu gig! Daniel's voice is exceptionally good - and Mark Ronson was too cool for school and didn't say ANYTHING. Not even hello. (He waved when he left the stage though.)

I've had the menu through from Lauren for the final episode of Come Dine with Me this Sunday.

Olives, Peppers and Warm Bread

Mozzarella and Tomato Slices
With fresh pesto, balsamic vinegar and basil

Fillet of Sea Bass
Served with potatoes and roasted Mediterranean vegetables

Cheeseboard

Tea and Coffee
with fairy cakes and home made doughnuts

Not bad Lauren, not bad.

Last night I met up with Hev Bev and we had loads of fun. When I arrived at the pub, I was sat next to a rowing couple. They weren't shouting, just whining at each other loudly. Apparently he wasn't being straight with her and she could sense it. He was a DICK. She was a bit too. I was glad when they finally left - I'm not sure what's worse, arguing in public or snogging. Either or is BLEE.

Have a lovely weekend one and all.

Ah push it push it, watch me work it..... I'm perfect.

Well I expect you're all dying to know what the dealio was with Come Dine with Me on Sunday. I can tell you now that it went really well even if I do say so myself. I was genuinely really nervous, even PACING before my mates turned up. I needn't have bothered - I am a domestic goddess and thus did a grand job.

So we just have Lauren's episode on Sunday and that day it is of course RESULTS day (winners day for me). And then we've got the Wrap Party to "wrap-up" filming. I would recommend people do their own Come Dine with Me's all over the country. Why sit there watching the omnibus on a Sunday afternoon feeling all depressed (that's how I was) when you can actually be in it.

I'm currently listening to some of Bowie's hits from the great film Labyrinth. Whatever happened to pretty Sarah? She was wonderful. "You have no power over me." (Cor boy he's got as much power over me as 'ee wants. Cackle)

This week has been like most others, although I seem to have developed a teenage crush on this lad I know. And it really is just a crush but it's definitely there. I go all red when I speak to him and that's just not me and I come over all unneccessary and... I need a cure. I seem to have lost my cool when it comes to lads (was it ever there?) I feel all teenagerish and I need to stop that and be the WOMAN I am. Going to do some womanly thought thinking now.....hmmmmmm........Mmmmmm.........Lad...... Nope! Its no good.

In other news have you seen that programme on Channel 4 called Personal Services Required? Its about people who hire randoms and use them for a trial period working in their households. Usually the person who's doing the hiring is a freak and wants a slave really. Well, I've seen two episodes where there seems to be a platinum blonde, leather look has-been type of woman who talks to all the female helpers like utter shit and to the men, wops their fat tits in their faces. It's definitely worth a watch for the cringe factor alone.

What else, hmmm there appears to be all pretty girls starting at my work lately. This annoys me greatly as I am (like above) one of the "has-beens" here at MTV. A dinosaur some might say being in my eighth year so far. This friday lunchtime we have a performance by Mark Ronson and co in the staff atrium as a treat. I hope he plays "Stop me" cause thats the only one I know. I shall sing along as I know all the words. I really have lost my cool.

Tonight I'm meetin my good friend Heather Bevver. Her surname is Beverley but I call her Heather Bevver. See? Makes sense.

K bye. I'll write proper soon.

If you think that you're strong enough. If you think you belong enough.

Weird dream. I was in New York and for some reason I felt like I knew the place really well (I've only been the once) and when we landed I nearly did crying as the "memories" came flooding back to me. Dreams like that freak me out and make me write about them here. If anyone's an expert on dreams please comment! Is it cause I'll find the "one" in NYC? I hope so!!

In other news Friday night was mental. As I mentioned in my last blog I wasn't planning on a crazy one owing to the previous night's escapades. See when you don't plan it, thats's when the best nights occur. Oh it was fun - fun with a capital LOADS. We went to the Edinburgh Castle which isn't much fun when its raining cats and dogs, and after a while everyone was asking me if I could call Pat (landlord of my local in Camden) to see if we could get in there. I did just that and he suggested we all go to Liberties which was having a party and all the local landlords were going. We agreed immediately and had many more drinks and laughs.

Once all this was done we headed back to work to get cabs. On the way this scary gang looking girl came storming past me - followed by two other equally scary seemingly street talking gang girs - who then came up to me and started screaming "You better tell ya mate to hush her mouth or she's gonna get stabbed up" or something. In the background I could see my scottish mate Clair standing down the road, cracking up and swinging round the lampost shouting "Fuck yooou, ya wee fanny". Hahahaha.

They had no clue what to make of Clair who was just creasing up in their faces - so they came up to the only other girl in the group....me - who was equally amused. I really hate women like this. They think if they speak street enough at you your gonna get scared. HA HA HA, HO HO HO. My tactics were to say things like "I can't understand a WORD your saying. What are you on about? Can you repeat that?" They soon got confused and flounced off only for the Police to come running over and have a go at ME! I didn't even doooo NUFFINK Officer! There were two of em FFS. Camden's divvy.

After this Tom broke his heel and the night came to an abrupt end. YAY. Good old Friday nights.

SO today is the day!!! Come Dine with Me.

LETS GET READY TO RUUMMMMBLEE!!!

What is wrong in my life, that I must get drunk every night?

So it was the MTV Summer Party yesterday and it was quite good. Lots of lovely free drinks and for once I was sensible, alternating White wine with water like all good women do.

SO! Tiz my Come Dine with Me this week, and I'm genuinely extremely nervous. Here's my menu:

Champagne Bellini's

Smoked Salmon and Avocado served with crème fraiche and
Warm Ciabatta


Crusted Rack of Lamb
served with Sautéed Potatoes and Roasted Mediterranean Vegetables


Banoffee Trifle


Coffee and biscuits

I've got all my items coming tomorrow and am starting PREP saturday night. They better appreciate this. I just can't wait to get the video edited. I'd totally recommend doing Come Dine with Me yourselves. Its such a lovely way to get together with mates but also an excuse to have a slap up dinner.


In other news I've noticed that Paul Nicholls....


EXHIBIT A

.....Is on a new programme called Harley Street. I've loved Paul Nicholls ever since he said the words "Nelly Jack John" in the shit CBBC programme Earth Fasts. Its was absolute CACK, but I loved him oh yes I did. I even wrote to him when I was 16. What a nob. I sent him a picture of me in Black Gang Chine in the Isle of Wight with massive permed hair sat next to a plastic goblin. I remember trying to be all funny and saying in my letter "The goblin meant nothing Paul honest!" WHAT A DICK. I can't believe I've put this in my blog - god maybe I am a bit hungover. I genuinely thought he should have been mine. I remember when I got the generic FAN letter back, ya know the printed letters where they BIRO in your name were it says DEAR Leanne PAUL REALLY ENJOYED READING YOUR LETTER. etc

That day in my diary I wrote "I can't believe it, Paul Nicholls read my letter!". I wasn't very advanced for my age.

Years later (in 2005) I was in Great Marlborough Street doing some filming for my BBC documentary "How to get lucky with Leanne" and Paul Nicholls went striding past me. I was in the middle of a bit to Camera and I stopped in my tracks and said to the producer "Thats the man I should have been with...." Ironic really that he should walk past me as I was doing a documentary about being a desperate loser.

Gosh I'm being a bit down on myself aren't I. Don't worry, I know I'm great really - its not my fault that Paul never realised it.

So its more drinking tonight for Jeremy from work's leaving drinks. I love him, he makes funny noises. Must try to ease up on the old sauce next week cause my poor liver is all sad.

Right gonna go and trough on some food now. Bye!

You bet your life it is.

Well what a wonderful few days. Starting with Catface Comedy on Thursday evening. I have to be honest I am SOOOO anal about my comedy night's going perfectly. I hate anything to be shit and I hate anything to seem unprofessional, so seeing as I hadn't properly set up at the new venue before heading there thursday I was extra worried. But! I needn't have been. What a great room, great sound system, great area for the acts, great team of mates that help me out on these nights.

Big thank you to Miriam Elia for stepping in at the last minute and huge thanks to everyone else that honoured their bookings. It was loadsa fun. One person who absolutely stood out for me since I last saw her is Catie Wilkins. The girl has upped her game and was wicked to watch. Go see if you get a chance. The open spot too, David Hamilton who has only been going for 6 months did really well too considering his spot kept getting pushed back until he ended up directly supporting the headliner. Everyone else I wanna thank you tooooooo. You rule you rule you rule. Role on the next one on 7th August.

Friday I was pretty hungover but still managed a night out with w0rk pals. I managed to put my back out ironically to "baby got back". Nice one. I can so tell I'm getting old these days.

In Big Brother news a girl from my work has just entered the house. Sara her name is and she's australian and pretty. She's my old boss's pa. On friday there were rumours flying round saying she was going in and then we checked her Facebook and she had CLOSED it. Ummmm! And then lo and behold there she is in the house. The good thing is, if she makes a dick out of herself she can just go back ito Oz and no-one'll be none the wiser. Nice plan.

I really haven't been watching BB, this years batch of freaks seem even more boring than ever. I only like that one who's from Bolton and is all skinny. He sounds like an old man but is quite amusing.

Saturday I had one of my "special hangovers" which includes vomming and the "other". Must've been those sambucas. This meant saturday I couldn't physically move so ended up sloping off to ma and pa's at around 5pm. Pretty much rolled about there until 3pm the next day when a group of us headed off to Louisa's for COME DINE WITH ME.

Here's the menu:

Thai Fish Cakes
with carrot and cucumber salad
served with choice of sweet chilli dip or sweet and sour sauce

Loin of Pork Medallions
filled with spinach and chestnut mushrooms, wrapped in pancetta
served with selection of roasted vegetables and potatoes with roux sauce

Traditional Apple and Blackberry Crumble
Served with choice of fresh cream or Cornish ice cream

Twas LOVERLY.

Here's us and Will Smith enjoying it. (will smith looks a bit bored)

K bye!

Take it hip to hip rock it through the wilderness...

Oh I'm having the BEST 90's downloading session. My friends think I'm a mug cause I buy all the songs for my Ipod off iTUNES. This is because they are thieves and just wanna make themselves feel better with their acts of criminal-ness.
Oh I did get one 80's track. "Lady in Red" by Chris De Burgh. I was reminded of its superiority when I heard it at Arlanda airport in Stockholm the other week. It was playing from a IPOD docking station and I just though right, thats next on me' download agenda. I might buy a red dress as well... .doesn't have to be a dress though, could be a red all in one jump-suit. Still be a lady and still be in red. Roll up lads!

I just came across The Prodigy song called "Their Law", ah great days. When I was doing A-level Media we had to make a music video and we used that song. The video was about two boys who were obsessed with playing the computer game "Tekin". Its a fighting game. In all shots on the vid, we had the two lads with a joystick thing in their hands (Joystick, I'm SO Commordore 64) and they were playing the game continuously. We even had them playing the game in the swimming pool. We were SO crazy in college. The rest of the group got fucked off with me during this project cause I kept bunking off to go and work at Disney Channel. All I ended up doing was typing up the credits to the video - they were PISSED. Oh well fuck em.

In other news the whole of London appears to be stabbing crazy. It reminds me of the days when people had swords and were forever impaling each other. Obviously it doesn't remind me cause I wasn't there, but sword carrying totally happened in the olden days. Only difference being I think they did fighting 1 on 1, unlike now where fights usually consist of 5 on 1. Clearly this ain't a fight - more like BULL fighting or as I call it "Murder". (I love seeing pictures of matadors proper gorged by raging Bulls. Gutted. )

I'm listening to En Vogue now. I bet everytime they look at Destiny's Child they're sick with jealousy! If only they'd done what Beyonce and co did... when training, they did running and singing at the same time! Thats pretty amazing cause I can't even walk and talk.
Although listening to En Vogue now, they're voices are a little squeaky for my liking - so maybe they just didn't have what it takes. Think on.

As you can see I've not got much to say. We have Louisa's Come Dine With Me on sunday which I'm looking forward to. Menu will be submitted tomorrow so will post it up here when she sends it out. She's being very cloak and dagger I must say......thats not to say she's going to stab us.
Not like SOME people I could mention (everyone in London!).

BYE.

She lives with a broken man...

Well Karen's Come Dine with Me was pretty nice, although there were too many leaves for my liking, however I was reasonably stuffed and felt sufficiently vomitus by the end of the evening. Certainly gave me "Food for thought" for MY Come Dine with me in two weeks. HAAHAAHAA FOOD FOR THOUGHT! GEDDIT?? No.

This week has been a bit crazy, one of my very close friends had a real shocker at the weekend and I've been doing some "friend in need" stuff with him. What can I say? Life sucks much, but time really does heal all wounds. Even wounds I got in 2000 (which were hardcore deep - prob deepest yet) are pretty much healed. If I were to mega scratch them and scratch them and scratch them I suspect they'd do a bit of bleeding. (But then scab right up innit!)

At present I'm in high spirits personally. Life's been very busy since my return from Ibiza and my plan to grow rich is still just a plan. I did put my lottery numbers in however - so this is always a happy thought when I lie in bed unable to sleep thinking about Catface Comedy. I have SUCH a special surprise tomorrow even my crew don't know about. I really urge you to come, its the first night so anything could happen. I hate that I don't know how its going to look cause I've only seen the room twice so its gonna be one of those impromptu things of fun. Do you know those things? I hope so.

So! The other night I went out with my mates Jeremy, Joel and Denis to the pub and we got quite drunky. The lads were asking what was in my locket (as in, a lock of hair or a photo of my lover). I clean forgot about this incident until yesterday I saw Denis and he laughed and pointed at my Locket. I was like "What?" Not sure what he was going on about... He said in his heavy French Accent "Ave you openned your Locket since the othur naight?" I was like "No why?"

It turned out that when we'd been discussing what was in my locket, we thought it would be hilarious to instead of having a lock of hair in it, to put a pube from both Jeremy and Joel in it. I found the TWO pubes (no less) in my locket last night. So all the while I was in Ibiza doing karaoke and that type of thing, within my locket lay two pubes of DNA trying to MATE. Great.

Have you seen that 40 over 40 ad on TV? Haahaa. Its properly a mum and dad about to DO IT. Gross. Shouldn't be allowed.

I'm being extra immature today - I'm sorry I'll stop now.

Come to the show tomorrow.

Bye.